Friday, March 16, 2012

Chances Are Slim

Most nights I hardly sleep, don't take what you don't need from me. Misplaced trust.
Where can I find my sun in the dark side of my shadow?
It's not that you should care, I just wanted you to know.
I can hardly breathe.
"I know, just saying it out loud sounds crazy. I just knew that he would never stop loving me. That he would never..."
"Never what?"
"Never die. He snuck up on me. He got under my skin and I can't shake it."
"Once you fall in love with someone I don't think you can ever shake it."

Be Brave: Grow Up

Betrayal.
I don't feel so sad anymore. I don't feel despair. Not pain. I'm not even mad. I can't claim that I am numb either.
I am furious.
I am livid.
I am breaking.
I am falling.
I am being torn apart.
I thought I was strong enough but believe me, I'm not.
I thought I could shoulder the hurt and pain and fear and anger but I can't. I am 17 years old. I am young. I should be smiling. I should be happy. I shouldn't be living with tears streaming down my face. This is too much for me, for anyone. I'm still a little girl. I can control it around others but not alone.
And I'm so irate all of the time. I abhor that which I have been given, the life I'm being forced to live.
"How mutable are our feelings, and how strange is it that clinging love we have of life even in the excess of misery!"
I'll take care of you if you ask me to. The burden is astronomical. I fear the unknown. I fear this world. I fear all of the horrors it has. It was you who showed me at such a young age how despicable it is. You, who taught me thoughts of death, and hate, and self-detestation, have nothing more to offer. I fear death. I fear a slow, empty existence. I absolutely shake in terror of being alone.
"Hell is empty. All the devils are here."
So much resentment pent up in me. So many hellish emotions that there won't ever be enough room.
And yet I'm fated to pretend.
"Come on, skinny love, just last the year."

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Wasting Away

She is alone, quite alone. She stands on the corner of a dark street, a single street lamp illuminating her face. She wears a floor length burgundy gown, a long black coat, buttoned against the wind, and her hair lies in curls down her back. She hears a noise behind her; she turns her head in anticipation, a smile pulling up the corners of her rosy lips. Just the wind. She turns back, her spirits lowered. She checks a delicate watch on her wrist: 12:34 A.M. He's late. He's very late. But still a smile, smaller this time, dances on her lips. 
Suddenly, thunder explodes in the sky above her. A flash of lightning brightens the sky for a moment before it begins to rain. She struggles to pull an umbrella out of a bag and does so just in time. But it's barely sprinkling. She's using the umbrella to protect herself from something else. The umbrella is of a hard material, not mere flimsy cloth. Objects fall from the sky, and she was expecting this. Crumpled up papers, computer monitors, cell phones, books, pens, pencils, jackets, nail polish, and movie tickets crash only upon her umbrella. When the storm is finished, she tosses away the dented umbrella. It begins to rain, hard now. But she doesn't pick up the umbrella. She closes her eyes, looks to the sky, and opens them again. All of the water flows from the sky back into her eyes. Where they belong. Where they started off. She has now filled herself back up with tears. The rain stops and a single tear cascades down her cheeks that she wipes away. "He's not coming." She whispers. She starts to walk down the street.
Little does she know, he's hiding in a bush nearby. He's watching her. He's been chained to the ground, his mouth gagged. He struggles to rustle the bush and let her see him. "Please, let her find me. Let her find me. Let her find me." He thinks frantically.
She walks past the rustling bush and glares at it, as if it's done her a great personal evil. It just might've. He murmurs from behind the gag. "I"M HERE! I CAME!" He practically screams but it comes off as an incomprehensible jumble of noises. She walks a little faster, glancing back at the bush in fear. When she is out of sight, the bonds fall off. "I came." He whispers. 713 feet ahead of him, she collapses. A vine snakes out of an ivy hedge and pulls her into the greenery. More vines and leaves twine themselves around her until she is well hidden. All is quiet within the hedge for a moment until he comes blundering past, calling her name. She doesn't answer. She is unconscious. She dreams of all that she wishes to happen. She thinks of his eyes, his strength, his words. She feels nothing in her sub-conscious. It is a relief, even if it be a tiny one.

You Changed My Whole Life

I'm not even sure why I'm surprised. I've fallen for you again. I could give a shit that the other one doesn't like me. When I saw him with another girl, it didn't even phase me. I smiled. As if I was happy for him. Or relieved that he found someone else. I was terrified that I would go out with him and you would be hurt. But if I found out you were with another girl, I'm pretty sure I would sob. A punch in the gut. A slap in the face. And you're so hard to figure out! How do you text back to that? Do you want me to text back to that? Are you bored of me? Why didn't I wake up? You play me for a fool. I am a fool. How could I let myself love you? How could I not? You're perfect. I see you everywhere. Your name. You entice me. I don't want you. I need you.

My Past Stalks Me

You're so unpredictable, I don't know what to think. You're so unemotional; I wonder if you're even still in love with me. I don't what to tell you now, it's always harder the second time around. You're so unpredictable, just like I used to be. You're so unemotional, but I can't forget the way you were with me.

I'm Begging You

I've written a thousand words, I know: sorry, I love you, and please don't go's. I've waited so long, I'm sure it shows. I'm wasting away, a little more everyday. Wait for me. When I ask you to stay, are you gonna go on your way? Wait for me. I've sold a million lies you spoke, over and over, till we broke. I know that it means everything to you but do you really think this time apart will mend and help us grow? I've told a million lies I know. My love, don't tell me that it's over. My love, I can't take it anymore. My love is staring at the future. My love is staring at the door. Don't wait for me.

Friday, March 2, 2012

This Is Critical, I Am Feeling Helpless

You and I walk a fragile line, I have known it all this time but I never thought I'd live to see it break. It's getting dark and it's all too quiet and I can't trust anything now. It's coming over you like it's all a big mistake. I'm holding my breath, won't lose you again. Something's made your eyes go cold. Come on, don't leave me like this. I thought I had you figured out. Something's gone terribly wrong, you're all I wanted. I can't breathe whenever you're gone, can't turn back and now I'm haunted. I stood there and watched you walk away from everything we had, but I still meant every word I said to you. He would try to take away my pain and he just might make me smile, but the whole time I'm wishing he was you instead. I'm holding my breath, won't see you again. Something keeps me holding on to nothing. I know you're gone. You can't be gone. I never thought I'd see us break. Now I'm haunted.