"I told you to be patient, I told you to be fine. I told you to be balanced, I told you to be kind. Now all my love is wasted, then who the hell was I? Cause now I'm breaking at the britches and at the end of all your lines, who will love you? Who will fight? And who will fall, far behind?"
You are a waste of time. Blood is thicker than water unless you spit in it. And even then, the spitty water is far better than you. It's almost funny now how much I've given up on you! Time and time again I think that you've changed for the better: you're not a stupid bitch, you don't treat me like shit for fun, you're not worthless! But FUCK, you love to prove me wrong don't you? Ah, clever girl, you know I love to be right! You can call me out for my faults and my less than benevolent words, but shit! I would say that you deserve them. But they aren't appropriate. And yet...Try being fucking mature for once, you god damn attention-seeking, pathetic, stupid girl. You're weak, selfish, uncaring, and the worst example of a role model I have yet to see. You see! Your bring out the worst in me! And you know that you do! Oh, what to do. I'll tell you what I've decided and then you can show what little you think of it: nothing. Did you hear that? Absolutely nothing. I don't need to do anything. You aren't important enough. If you were that little girl and you started to become what you are now, I would do everything to stop it. I would scream at the top of my lungs until you got the point. I would be there for you, guide you, hold your hand, and protect you. Protect you from the horrors in this fucking world. Protect you from people, drugs, being a whore, alcohol, driving like you weren't issued a brain, all of it! But no, you aren't her. You aren't even close to her. I did try to protect you, but honey, that isn't my job. You're supposed to protect me. I tried to save you. God damnit, I can't say I didn't try. I cried so fucking hard when I thought I would lose you. That night, when no one was near, I screamed my fucking 12-year-old heart out into my pillow. 12 years old! Talk about damaging. I screamed until my throat hurt and I couldn't scream anymore. I cried until I couldn't see and I was convulsing alone in my bed. And you never came. I curled up in a ball and sobbed. Why? Out of fear, desperation, lack of faith, but most of all, love. A love that you have now lost entirely. You had someone on your side until the very end, and you fucking blew it! Fuck, I was there for you! I would've always been there for you! I used to consider you my best friend! But you left me when I needed you most. Oh God, I hated my life freshman year. I really did. I wasn't pathetic enough to be suicidal, but it's hard to tell if I wouldn't have considered that a decent option. The only thing that kept me going? Ready? You. I knew you would be there and I needed you. But you left me. For him. It's something, try as I might, that I will unfortunately never be able to forgive you for. And it's not like you haven't done something since to fuck me over. You know, this was just going to be a quick, five lines of ranting, but I can't stop. Better out that in, I suppose. Anyways, I side-tracked there, but point is, I did try to save you. I told you how important you were to me, you saw the tears in my eyes when he ridiculed me and you laughed (which was like you had punched me in the stomach, by the way), I talked to you every day. Now there will be days when I don't say a single world to you, like, um, today for instance. I tried! But now you're too far gone. You have been for a while. And I can't protect you from who you really are. And I'm sorry for that.
No comments:
Post a Comment