Serial Killer

"You're doing it again."

You stupid, ignorant, idiotic, little bitch. It's too obvious. I'm tired of clandestinely knowing your secrets. I'm tired of bearing all of the weight. Why do I hate you? I'm surprised you have to keep asking yourself this question!!! Ten years ago, I would've said that I don't hate you. That you're just mean to me. Five years ago I would've said that you frighten me. That your wrists terrify me. That your dark demeanor threatens my happiness. Three years ago I would've accepted my hatred. I would've said that you desert me. You make stupid decisions that don't only affect you, they affect me. Unfortunately, I can't look at your stupidity and brush it off. I was born caring for you. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Believe it or not, my infuriation with you means I care. Or at least that I did care. Three years ago I would've said that you don't care about me, so why should I care about you? Now, if you were to ask, my answer has been changed.

"Why do you hate me?"

Well. Here it goes. You are not only the most selfish person I have ever met, but you also don't see your egotism. How many children have you killed by now? Three? Four? I forget. But I'll tell you this. There is a reason that those unborn souls never get to see the light of day. And that reason is that you mothered them. You are the abomination. Not them. The reason that they died in your belly is because they are much better off not knowing you, than growing up with a mother that they must always be ashamed of. Forget about me. Forget about the pain you're constantly causing me. Forget even about our littlest sister. Think of the countless, tiny-hearted souls that you have sent to their grave. They are the only creatures in the world that could have maybe loved you unconditionally. But thank the absent God he didn't let you keep them. I think, if there was a God, he heard a ding somewhere in a control room. And he sent off a nameless soul to the origin of that ding, rejoicing a new mother! But then he saw that the careless conceiver was you. And he smashed his fist on the emergency button. "Not her!" He must've thought. "For fuck's sake, don't let an innocent child be born to her!" 

I am not against abortions. I believe that within the first few weeks and if you know you cannot provide a life for the child, then it is okay to let them go. But this. This is despicable. You don't even TRY to prevent it. You let yourself be impregnated! And then you let them all die. One by one. Dropping like flies. And if I know you, you were contemplating. You didn't know whether you wanted to keep it or let it go so you would have waited until the last minute. And I am sickened by that.

Do you get it now? Do you see why I hate you, despise you? Do you see how every time I look in your eyes and I see the stupidity, selfishness, and weakness there that I am filled with rage? I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

And to you, little nameless ones, I'm sorry. I am so very sorry that you were sent as lessons to someone who cannot be taught. I am disgusted that you were forced into an untimely grave in a porcelain bowl. You don't deserve that. I hate her for killing you. All of you. I am not claiming to be superior, but I would never have let this happen to any human that was my responsibility. I would make sure they had the best care possible if I ever had one. But not at this age. I would never let myself have to make that decision. And she had. A few times. So I'm sorry, little babies. My nieces? Nephews? Now nameless souls waiting to be sent out to someone who will actually love you, treat you right. I know one day you will find a woman who will jump in ecstasy at the thought of her coming child. She will hold you to her bosom when you are born and the warmth and the love will be incontrovertible. And you will grow in a beautiful home with a loving father. Not a sad excuse for a boy who has seen the interior of a prison (your would-be mother is white trash). And you will never, ever know the discomfort of adoption, poverty, shame of your parents. You will be held above the stars. And my pathetic sister could never provide that for you.

"I woke up. I was stuck in a dream. You were there. You were tearing up everything. We all know how to fake it. We all know what we've done. You must be a killer. Child of the wild ones. Killer. Where've we got left to run?"

"And what a shot, what a blast. The night of the gun, big shot, took it out on everyone. And what a grand waste of time, when it's all said and done. It's only reason that just now escapes her. As for you, if you're waiting for your explanation, she likes dragging you around. She likes dragging you down. And then she did it again. You let her do it again. And so she did it again."