Make You Banana Pancakes

Sometimes all you need are the simple things to get you excited for the morning. I'm looking forward to making some gluten-free, healthy ass pancakes tomorrow. Just eggs and bananas. And I'll probably toss in some vanilla and cinnamon (when no one's looking, course), and top with some honey or syrup. I'm excited, let me tell you. It's the incredibly tiny things that make me so happy. Because I'm picturing myself sitting outside with a plate of warm pancakes with Wuthering Heights open and enjoying the lovely morning outside. That's what I love. And maybe it'll be gloomy again! Wouldn't that be FREAKING PERFECT??? And I'm thinking I might make chocolate soufflés tomorrow because who cares and they look ah-ma-zing. And I'll eat a tasty lunch and watch a movie or read and swim. And I won't even feel bad about these meals because I work out like nobody's business and the food is relatively healthy (besides the chocolate soufflés). Whoop. Life is good. And we might go to the beach on Saturday which I am very excited about. Listening to music on the way there while the wind blows and relaxing on the beach with my book (maybe even get in a swim), and having a nice little lunch and tasty dinner (do I talk about food a lot?).

I love his beach. It just makes life feel good. And even though I have to go to the doctor's on Friday (yuck) I feel like it'll be fine once plans for the beach are settled. And I'm really excited for school and I want to be a part of that Spider Diaries thing. It seems cool. So I think I'm going to change this blog into something that i just write on. About my day, current events. That kind of thing. In fact I think I'm gonna set up a new blog now. I'm feeling really damn good. It's a lovely change.

Diagnosis

"And how does that make you feel?"

I suppose this morning was just one of those days, you know? Where everything, every tiny little thing, is just way too fucking much. I don't know; maybe I have panic attacks. I saw a movie with kids that have those today and I could relate. It definitely felt like a panic attack. I wanted to cry at everything and I did cry. I went on the scale and weighed myself and it was fine, but I had to stand in front of the mirror for ten minutes and tell myself to calm down.And I couldn't. And then I went outside in the blazing heat and just walked into the pool in my pajamas. And sat by a group of bees without flinching when they buzzed in my ear. And laughed maniacally with tears at the thought of how convenient it will be for everyone when I leave. It was strange. This teary-eyed, sniffling, anxiety went on for two or three hours. And now I feel fine. And something this kid said in the movie stuck with me. He said, "Okay, so here's the thing. In everything that I've read, there's not one case of anyone dying from a panic attack. So the next time you start to feel anxious, you just tell yourself, 'Hey, I'm having a panic attack. I'm not gonna die. In fact, in fifteen minutes, I'll probably feel fine." And although mine didn't just last fifteen minutes, I get what he's saying. Usually they're pretty quick and they pass and I can go on with my day. So I guess what I really need to do is just calm down. Because I'll be fine. And what's fifteen minutes in the grand scheme of things?

I AM LOVELY. So Get Off My Case, Mom

I don't wanna be her; I just want to be little old me. I shouldn't have to think, "Who am I supposed to be today, and what gave you the right to tell me who I should be?" Who gave you that right? Because I feel lovely just the way that I am. I know you want the best, only good things for me. But you have to realize that I can't be all these things you project on me. Because I'm beautiful to me. Doesn't that mean a thing? I feel lovely just the way that I am. I need that to be enough for you, because it's enough for me. Am I supposed to give up everything I am just to make you happy? I thought I was the one you always wanted me to be. It turns out I'm just little old me, and that's fine by me. Because I am lovely just the way that I am.

Hazy

"No man burdens his mind with small matters unless her has some very good reason for doing so."

What if I fall and hurt myself; would you know how to fix me? What if I went and lost myself; would you know where to find me? If I forgot who I am, would you please remind me? Oh, cause without you things go hazy.

Thanks For The Diagnosis. Now What?

Are you a perfectionist, a person who always wants to be in control, an overachiever, and/or do you think no matter what you do it is never enough?

Do you find that you are always questioning your own judgements and/or actions, and/or do you scrutinize yourself over small faults?

Do you think you are not good enough, stupid and/or worthless, or that people are always judging you in a negative way?

Do you find yourself often comparing your appearance and weight to others, strangers and/or models and actors, and wishing to be as "nice looking" or as "thin" as they are?

Do you continuously feel that you are overweight even though others have told you that you are not?

Do family members and/or friends express concern for your weight-loss/gain, your appearance, and/or your eating habits?

Do you feel as though you have a "conscience" or "voice" that tells you negative things about yourself, convinces you that you do not deserve to eat and/or be happy, or that tells you that you are and deserve to be fat and ugly?

Are you depressed, suicidal, stressed-out, and/or fatigued; and/or do you suffer from anxiety or panic attacks, mood swings, rage, and/or insomnia?

Do you typically feel guilty after a binge, or after any snack or meal, and like you have almost instantly gained weight, like you are a failure, and/or like you have sabotaged yourself?

Do you weigh yourself often and does the number on the scale dictate your mood and/ors self-worth for the day; and/or do you find you are continuously trying to get that number lower?

Do you spend a lot of time obsessively cooking for others or reading recipes, and/or studying the nutritional information on food (calories, fat grams, etc)?

Do you find that you bruise easily, have a very high tolerance for pain, and/or are you extremely noise sensitive (even only slightly loud noises irritate you)?

Do you suffer any of the following: heart palpitations and/or chest pains; fainting spells, blackouts, or dizziness; chronic lower back pain, headaches or lightheadedness, tingling in arms or legs, numbness in face or other parts of the body, joint pain, excitability, mood swings, hyperactivity; low blood pressure and/or body temperature or escalated blood pressure or cholesterol; and/or chronically sick with cold or flu symptoms?

It's Been A Long Year

It's been a long day, and all I've got to say is make it strong. It's been a long day, and all I've got to say is I've been wrong. So take a leave of absence; tell me you'll be gone. I don't want to see your face. It's been a long day and I just want to hide away. It's been a long week and all the lines come down heavy on me. It's been a long week. I'm finally feeling like it's okay to break into a thousand pieces no one can replace. Only I can find my way. It's been a long day and I just want to hide away. It's been a long year and everyone around me has disappeared. It's been a long year and all this mess around me has finallycleared. So can I have a moment just to say hello? Can you let your anger go? It's been a long year and I'm finally ready to be here.

My Self-Esteem Is Crumbling

Give me what I want. I want to leave, leave behind. Tell me how to free my body and find peace of mind. This is getting good. I'm feeling like I'm alive. Show me who I am. I'll leave me world all behind.  I'm gonna make my way from the shade to the light. Vibrations are gonna echo on through the night. I've been here before, different straits, different times. I'll show you who I am and I'll leave my world ll behind. I wanna go to a place that I know is real. I need to find a new place for my mind to heal. Feel no doubt, you know we're gonna make it out. Don't be scared.