Diagnosis

"And how does that make you feel?"

I suppose this morning was just one of those days, you know? Where everything, every tiny little thing, is just way too fucking much. I don't know; maybe I have panic attacks. I saw a movie with kids that have those today and I could relate. It definitely felt like a panic attack. I wanted to cry at everything and I did cry. I went on the scale and weighed myself and it was fine, but I had to stand in front of the mirror for ten minutes and tell myself to calm down.And I couldn't. And then I went outside in the blazing heat and just walked into the pool in my pajamas. And sat by a group of bees without flinching when they buzzed in my ear. And laughed maniacally with tears at the thought of how convenient it will be for everyone when I leave. It was strange. This teary-eyed, sniffling, anxiety went on for two or three hours. And now I feel fine. And something this kid said in the movie stuck with me. He said, "Okay, so here's the thing. In everything that I've read, there's not one case of anyone dying from a panic attack. So the next time you start to feel anxious, you just tell yourself, 'Hey, I'm having a panic attack. I'm not gonna die. In fact, in fifteen minutes, I'll probably feel fine." And although mine didn't just last fifteen minutes, I get what he's saying. Usually they're pretty quick and they pass and I can go on with my day. So I guess what I really need to do is just calm down. Because I'll be fine. And what's fifteen minutes in the grand scheme of things?