Thursday, November 29, 2012

3 and 13

This day, whatever the Fates decree,
Shall still be kept with joy by me:
This day then let us not be told,
That you are sick, and I grown old;
Nor think on our approaching ills,
And talk of spectacles and pills.
Tomorrow will be time enough
To hear such mortifying stuff.

Yet, since from reason may be brought
A better and more pleasing thought,
Which can, in spite of all decays,
Support a few remaining days:
From not the gravest of divines
Accept for once some serious lines.


Although we now can form no more
Long schemes of life, as heretofore;
Yet you while time is running fast,
Can look with joy on what is past.

Were future happiness and pain
A mere contrivance of the brain,
As atheists argue, to entice
And fit their proselytes for vice;
(The only comfort they propose,
To have companions in their woes;)
Grant this the case; yet sure 'tis hard
That virtue, styled its own reward,
And by all sages understood
To be the chief of human good,
Should, acting, die, nor leave behind
Some lasting pleasure in the mind;
Which by remembrance will assuage
Grief, sickness, poverty, and age;
And strongly shoot a radiant dart
To shine through life's declining part.

Say, Stella, feel you no content,
Reflecting on a life well spent?
Your skillful hand employed to save
Despairing wretches from the grave;
And then supporting with your store
Those whom you dragged from death before?
So Providence on mortals waits,
Preserving what it first creates.
Your generous boldness to defend
An innocent and absent friend;
That courage which can make you just
To merit humbled in the dust;
The detestation you express
For vice in all its glittering dress;
That patience under torturing pain,
Where stubborn stoics would complain:
Must these like empty shadows pass,
Or forms reflected from a glass?
Or mere chimaeras in the mind,
That fly, and leave no marks behind?
Does not the body thrive and grow
By food of twenty years ago?
And, had it not been still supplied,
It must a thousand times have died.
Then who with reason can maintain
That no effects of food remain?
And is not virtue in mankind
The nutriment that feeds the mind;
Upheld by each good action past,
And still continued by the last?
Then, who with reason can pretend
That all effects of virtue end?

Believe me, Stella, when you show
That true contempt for things below,
Nor prize your life for other ends,
Than merely oblige to your friends;
Your former actions claim their part,
And join to fortify your heart.
For Virtue, in her daily race,
Like Janus, bears a double face;
Looks back with joy where she has gone
And therefore goes with courage on:
She at your sickly couch will wait,
And guide you to a better state.

Oh then, whatever Heaven intends,
Take pity on your pitying friends!
Nor let your ills affect your mind,
To fancy they can be unkind.
Me, surely me, you ought to spare,
Who gladly your sufferings would share;
Or give my scrap of life to you,
And think it far beneath your due;
You, to whose care I so often owe
That I'm alive to tell you so.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Avoidance

Tell me the wars you're fighting behind the smile you're hiding, and all the things I know you want to say. We tried our best to find us, but there are no lights to guide us. I can't sleep beside a stranger now. Piece by piece we fall apart, with every beat slows down my heart. I've tried hard to remember that this prison cell used to be a shelter, now we're just looking for the best way out. I can't fight you anymore. You're already one foot out the door. And this is the face of letting go. And these are the things we already know. So I'll just say what you won't say. And I'll take the blame if it's for your sake. No turning back on what you can't save. We're so far gone.
"I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd say it had a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure. Fear of pain. Fear of rejection."


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Reckless Thoughts

"When it rains, I don't mind being lonely; I cry right along with the sky. When it rains, I don't pretend to be happy; I don't even have to try."
Can you hear me? Are you near me? Can we pretend to leave and then we'll meet again when both our cars collide?
It really sinks in when I see it in stone. But you went away. How dare you? I miss you. They say I'll be okay, but I'm not going to ever get over you.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

To A Little Me

Damn. Every time I look back on freshman year, I remember how much I hated it. Without doubt the worst year of my life. And I looked through my old blog today for reasons I don't know and I saw some depressing shit. So here was a survey I did and I read my answers and hated them. So I'll post the old one. And redo it. With my updated answers.
So for your enjoyment: "Sad? No. Angry? No. Hurt? Partially. Giving Up? Of Course."-Posted February 28, 2010 at 1:01 P.M.
I am: pathetic
I feel: unworthy
I like: sleep
I hate: most everything
I wish: it would get better
Do you like anyone: yes and no. get it? (Ahem. What the fuck did I even mean?)
Do you hate anyone in your family? many. most people in my family I don't like. my uncle. my sad excuse for an older sister.
Do you love life? ha. no.
Do you have a best friend? nope. I don't want one.
Is there someone you would do anything for? no. and I don't think there's someone that would do anything for me either, so we're even.
Have you ever been in love? I thought I was. I was wrong.
Does the last person you kissed mean anything to you? he used to. and he still does. honestly, he might be the one person I would forgive over and over. I don't know why.
Name your favorite thing about yourself. nothing
Name your LEAST favorite thing about yourself? everything
If you could have one wish what would it be? for ten more wishes. then, I would wish: 1. to be pretty. 2. to not be fat :/ 3. to have someone care about me. 4. to go to a school I like. 5. to have my older sister care. 6. to delete people from my life that continuously hurt me. 7. to let my sister know how the horrible things she does affect me. 8. to move away. 9. to be older. 10. to be successful. I have to be.

Yikes. Alright, first of all, my writing is horrible. I must have been so depressed that I forgot about grammar...or capitalization. My OCD practically went crazy when I was re-typing that but I didn't want to change anything. Alright, so I couldn't help myself. I capitalized a few "I"s and added in some apostrophes. Sue me. My freshman mind was sad and clearly not worried about being intellectual. SO. Here is my updated version.
Once more, for your enjoyment. Begun at 3:58 P.M. on November 17, 2012.


I am: Madeleine, 17 years old, senior in high school, and taking charge of my life next year.
...thinking about starting a video diary.
...seeing the light again.
I feel: content. And a little anxious for mid-December.
I like: rain, pasta salad, Coraline, text messages from twin flames, shy smiles, 17 magazine, One Direction, and pajamas. Oh, and OBAMA.
I hate: ignorance and conservative Republicans. Sorry, Grandpa.
I wish: he would just contact me already. Does it really have to be me?
Do you like anyone: Yes. It's more than like, though. Don't make me say the word!
Do you hate anyone in your family? Um...I don't think so. I hate someone who came into the family with every fiber of my being. But he's gone. I dislike my older sister. That hasn't changed.
Do you love life? You know what, I think so. At least, I like it.
Do you have a best friend? Yes. Ricky. I love him more than orange juice on an airplane. He is literally me in boy form and makes me so happy.
Is there someone you would do anything for? Yes. (See how positive I am now?) My little sister, of course. That goes without saying. And Ricky. And he would do the same for me. And...do I say his name? I never do. I might as well. Anthony. I would do anything for him. To the moon and back.
Have you ever been in love? Yes. And currently still in it.
Does the last person you kissed mean anything to you? Yes. Shh. I don't think he knows.
Name your favorite thing about yourself. My determination and willingness to stand up for the people who need me. Oh, and alright. I'll name something physical. I love my eyes. And lips.
Name your LEAST favorite thing about yourself? My ability to utterly destroy my own self-esteem. And others'. And my fear in taking charge with him.
If you could have one wish what would it be? I would wish for FIVE more wishes (I'm getting better, not as greedy). And then I would wish for an acceptance letter into Yale. God, how amazing would that be? And I would wish for him and me to break out of our shells and be ourselves around each other and to just get back together, already! And for complete and utter happiness. And for an amazing college experience. And I would wish for a long, happy life. Full of memories and love from him and family and so many smiles and trips and traveling and success and making my mom and dad proud.

If I could tell  my freshman self anything, it would be this: "Little girl, you are so naive. I know you hate when people are condescending because, well, so do I. But it's true. You're being foolish. Life will and has gotten better. No, he's not mine yet. But he cares and I see him almost weekly now. And I'm smart and I'm going places and, I bet you never thought it would come soon enough, but I'm applying for college. And it's frightening! And I find myself wishing from time to time that I still had another year. I know. Crazy. Call the police. But last year you went on a trip to the East Coast to visit colleges...ALONE! And it was amazing and you really are meant to be there. And you're going to have a big group of friends (that you actually don't hate) and a best friend who you wouldn't trade in for the world! And you're going to go to Greece and Turkey and Spain and Italy (and have some delicious ass pasta) and France and, ok that trip sucked, BUT Idaho was awesome. I know you're probably scoffing at that, but it's true. G-dad isn't half bad (he's still kicking by the way). And you'll snorkel in Barbados with sea turtles and swim to the shore. And you'll LOVE the Caribbean. And you'll eat a French sandwich in San Maarten with dad, just the two of you. And shutup about being ugly. You know you're not. You're just an awkward freshman. Love you, but it's true. You're going to get a lot of attention from boys. And a lot of it you won't want (try and let Will down easy, by the way). And you're not fat. You're getting a woman's body and you work out and you're still working on embracing it, so do it earlier and make your life easier. Oh, and Richie's coming back. And it's going to be just like before. And you're probably going to seethe with rage when I tell you that you welcome him back and don't even have to forgive him because it just happens. Shutup. Grow up. And you tutor for his brother about once a week. And, goodness, he gets cuter. And you're going to need to be there for Annie. She has some hard times coming up and so will you. But you'll emerge with your head held high. So calm down. You've just got a few more months of that god awful school and it's over and life will begin. I love you. I don't say that enough but I do. Oh, and for the record. About your ten wishes.
I would wish: 1. to be pretty. 2. to not be fat :/ 3. to have someone care about me. 4. to go to a school I like. 5. to have my older sister care. 6. to delete people from my life that continuously hurt me. 7. to let my sister know how the horrible things she does affect me. 8. to move away. 9. to be older. 10. to be successful. I have to be.
You're pretty goddamn good looking, if I do say so myself. But you're not full of yourself. You're modest. YOU'RE NOT FAT. LOVE YOUR BODY. You have tons of people that care. And if you have a self-pity moment, know that Ricky really does. And that I do, too. I think Kaitlyn cares, you just don't. Fix that. Ok, number six is just unrealistic. She knows, trust me. She knows. Well, you haven't yet, but you will move away. In less than a year (my time). Ready? Honey, you're gonna be 17 soon. If that's not older than a naive 13 year old, then I don't know what is. You're the third in your class. You're in the National Honors Society, Key Club, California Scholarship Federation, ELC, Spanish National Honor Society, and you're applying to an Ivy League and you have a chance. You're successful. Oh, and Elena becomes a vampire."

For All The Cynics


I think if life exists, it's probably like this. I had a common goal; I caught a common cold. I said, "When I get healthy, I won't take it for granted." And I really thought that I meant it, but I knew when I got better that I'd probably forget it. Feeling fine wasn't worth a mention, so I didn't pay attention. And it seems that's just the way. It's all easier said than done, and it's not even easy to say. And when I get back home, I'll see what's left before I'd gone. A thousand sheets of paper, I'll see what they are later. And then I've gotta roam, and back and forth I've flown. Well, it's hard to get too bored when you pick the right two chords. And you keep on strumming as if you don't know what's coming. Now, I don't have a boyfriend and I wish I was more happy. Now, I have a boyfriend and I wish I was more happy. Now, I  have two boyfriends and I wish I was more happy. Now, I have four boyfriends and I wish I was more happy. And when I'm in an airplane, I close my eyes and pretend that it's a rocked pointed straight down, shooting at the earth again. Now, I am more happy and I wish I was more happy, if I was a little smarter, if I worked a little harder. But emotions in the brain, they'll always be the same. It's just chemicals and blob. And what you've got is what you've got. And you just apply it to whatever's passing by it. Just like a guitar pick that I could not keep in my grip, it's like all the love I lose because I could never fill the shoes. But it's just because I have no feet. And then I think every minute of every day that I have a choice to wish things could be better or be glad things aren't worse. And maybe every minute of every day we have the choice to say, "Things could be better," or to say, "Things could be worse."

All She Needs

I had to taste to see it close. But you're already there, right next to me. How could you ever find a better place to be? You're breathing slowly. I let you hold me. I left you so many times while you were next to me, your brown hair on the bed. I wanted you to see, this is a song for a silent, sleeping girl. She wants nothing, but to wake and find you there. The words you whisper, they fade in morning. And when you look at her and her sleeping face, her foot resting in yours, and then you know your place. This is a song for a silent, sleeping girl. She wants nothing, but to wake and find you there.

Friday, November 16, 2012

The Glory Of The Thing

And the whosit and the whatsit and the stories of kings. And the needle and the thread of the thing, and the ladder at the scene and the cutting off at the knees. In a little while, I see that I love the way you came on to me. And the where is and the there is and the start of the fling. But the riot breaks the threat of the thing and the lenses ain't clean. We'll need another TV screen. It weighs out and you know that I love you. I love you.



I lost the thing, the ring that was never mine. I fall asleep and sing these lines, "mine, mine, mine." There was a love, a right way to survive. I couldn't help but die. I can not believe I believed I could have one step ahead of the  last. I'm not above the past to show me how, but I am a brand new fucking shiny ball of wow. Is it mine? So what's is store for our heroine? Can she climb to the top of him? Should she be allowed to share the stage? Or is it time to turn the page on the thing that was never mine? Is it mine?

Sunday, November 11, 2012

My Daily Dose Of Rage

About twice a week, I get chronically depressed. Not even being dramatic. It just comes out of nowhere and I can't explain it and it frustrates the fuck out of me. And I think of all of the things that have gone wrong or could possibly go wrong: him, college, school, my weight, my fucking happiness. And I wonder if those are the things that are upsetting me. And it seems like they aren't. So why am I still so goddamn pained? I don't know. It's hurtful to look around a room full of people you know and to feel like you don't know a single person and you just want to be left the fuck alone. So when someone speaks to you, you nod and smile. And you barely acknowledge what they're saying, and in reality you're practically screaming at them, "SHUTUP! JUST SHUTUP! I don't care, I never will! SHUTUP!!!" But apparently your rude acknowledgments encourage them like a lively response would. God damn.

That's all I'm saying.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Only To Say

Do remember summer '09? I want to go back there every night. I just can't lie, it was the best time of my life.   We were together summer '09. I want to roll back like pressing rewind, you were mine and we never said goodbye. I used to think that I was better alone. Why did I ever want to let you go?




Baby, I wanna know what you think when you're alone. Is it me? We've been friends now for a while, I wanna know that when you smile it's me. Are you thinking of me? What would you do? Would you want to stay if I were to say I wanna be your last first kiss. I wanna be the first to take it all the way like this. I'm afraid you'll run away if I tell you what I wanted to tell you. Maybe I just gotta wait; maybe this is a mistake. I'm a fool.

You've got me sick, I don't know what I did. I need to take a break and figure it out. Got your voice in my head saying let's just be friends. I can't believe the words came out of your mouth. Now that you're gone, I can't stand dumb love songs. Missing you is all I'm thinking about. Everyone's telling me, I'm just to blind to see how you messed me up. I'm better off now. I'm trying to be okay, I'm trying to be alright. But seeing you with her just doesn't feel right.

They don't know about the things we do. They don't know about the I love you's. But I bet you if they only know, they will just be jealous of us. They don't know about the up all night's. They don't know I've waiting all my life.

I've been waiting all this time to finally say it. But now I see your hearts been taken, and nothing could be worse. Baby, I loved you first. Took my chances, couldn't be when he is standing. That's what hurts the most, I came to close. But you'll never know, I loved you first.



Friday, November 9, 2012

Dwindling

I think I'm drowning, asphyxiated. I wanna break this spell that you've created. You're something beautiful, a contradiction. I wanna play the game. I want the friction. You will be the death of me.
I wanted freedom, bound and restricted. I tried to give you up, but I'm addicted. Now that you know I'm a trapped sense of elation, you'd never dream of breaking this fixation. You will squeeze the life out of me.

Bury it. I won't let you bury it. I won't let you smother it. I won't let you murder it. Our time is running out. You can't push it underground. You can't stop it screaming out. How did it come to this?


Monday, November 5, 2012

P.S. I Will Always Love You

Insanity laughs, under pressure we're cracking. Can't we give ourselves one more chance? Because love is such an old-fashioned word and love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night. And love dares you to changes our ways of caring about ourselves. This is our last dance. This is ourselves under pressure.
No other love. Mama, I'm flying. I can go anywhere. No other love can take me there. No other love. Mama, I'm flying.
"It's been a year. I don't feel him anymore. He's gone! He's really gone!"



All that was left was a bundle of memories, and an image of his face that became more and more vague each day.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Don't Ever Say Those Words

"Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Look out for that signal, when life as you know it ends."
But I don't want anyone else!!! No one will ever make me feel as perfect as you do. No one. I only want you.

Friday, November 2, 2012

My Own Naivety

I don't how to say stop before you do. I don't know how to stay calm like you do. And I don't know where I should look. Whatever is happening here, is happening here. And I'm a fool for thinking otherwise. I was just thinking the same as you were. And I was just taking my time. And I was just taking my time and I was just looking for outs like you were. And I was just falling in line. Soon it will be love again.