Damn. Every time I look back on freshman year, I remember how much I hated it. Without doubt the worst year of my life. And I looked through my old blog today for reasons I don't know and I saw some depressing shit. So here was a survey I did and I read my answers and hated them. So I'll post the old one. And redo it. With my updated answers.
So for your enjoyment: "Sad? No. Angry? No. Hurt? Partially. Giving Up? Of Course."-Posted February 28, 2010 at 1:01 P.M.
I am: pathetic
I feel: unworthy
I like: sleep
I hate: most everything
I wish: it would get better
Do you like anyone: yes and no. get it? (Ahem. What the fuck did I even mean?)
Do you hate anyone in your family? many. most people in my family I don't like. my uncle. my sad excuse for an older sister.
Do you love life? ha. no.
Do you have a best friend? nope. I don't want one.
Is there someone you would do anything for? no. and I don't think there's someone that would do anything for me either, so we're even.
Have you ever been in love? I thought I was. I was wrong.
Does the last person you kissed mean anything to you? he used to. and he still does. honestly, he might be the one person I would forgive over and over. I don't know why.
Name your favorite thing about yourself. nothing
Name your LEAST favorite thing about yourself? everything
If you could have one wish what would it be? for ten more wishes. then, I would wish: 1. to be pretty. 2. to not be fat :/ 3. to have someone care about me. 4. to go to a school I like. 5. to have my older sister care. 6. to delete people from my life that continuously hurt me. 7. to let my sister know how the horrible things she does affect me. 8. to move away. 9. to be older. 10. to be successful. I have to be.
Yikes. Alright, first of all, my writing is horrible. I must have been so depressed that I forgot about grammar...or capitalization. My OCD practically went crazy when I was re-typing that but I didn't want to change anything. Alright, so I couldn't help myself. I capitalized a few "I"s and added in some apostrophes. Sue me. My freshman mind was sad and clearly not worried about being intellectual. SO. Here is my updated version.
Once more, for your enjoyment. Begun at 3:58 P.M. on November 17, 2012.
I am: Madeleine, 17 years old, senior in high school, and taking charge of my life next year.
...thinking about starting a video diary.
...seeing the light again.
I feel: content. And a little anxious for mid-December.
I like: rain, pasta salad, Coraline, text messages from twin flames, shy smiles, 17 magazine, One Direction, and pajamas. Oh, and OBAMA.
I hate: ignorance and conservative Republicans. Sorry, Grandpa.
I wish: he would just contact me already. Does it really have to be me?
Do you like anyone: Yes. It's more than like, though. Don't make me say the word!
Do you hate anyone in your family? Um...I don't think so. I hate someone who came into the family with every fiber of my being. But he's gone. I dislike my older sister. That hasn't changed.
Do you love life? You know what, I think so. At least, I like it.
Do you have a best friend? Yes. Ricky. I love him more than orange juice on an airplane. He is literally me in boy form and makes me so happy.
Is there someone you would do anything for? Yes. (See how positive I am now?) My little sister, of course. That goes without saying. And Ricky. And he would do the same for me. And...do I say his name? I never do. I might as well. Anthony. I would do anything for him. To the moon and back.
Have you ever been in love? Yes. And currently still in it.
Does the last person you kissed mean anything to you? Yes. Shh. I don't think he knows.
Name your favorite thing about yourself. My determination and willingness to stand up for the people who need me. Oh, and alright. I'll name something physical. I love my eyes. And lips.
Name your LEAST favorite thing about yourself? My ability to utterly destroy my own self-esteem. And others'. And my fear in taking charge with him.
If you could have one wish what would it be? I would wish for FIVE more wishes (I'm getting better, not as greedy). And then I would wish for an acceptance letter into Yale. God, how amazing would that be? And I would wish for him and me to break out of our shells and be ourselves around each other and to just get back together, already! And for complete and utter happiness. And for an amazing college experience. And I would wish for a long, happy life. Full of memories and love from him and family and so many smiles and trips and traveling and success and making my mom and dad proud.
If I could tell my freshman self anything, it would be this: "Little girl, you are so naive. I know you hate when people are condescending because, well, so do I. But it's true. You're being foolish. Life will and has gotten better. No, he's not mine yet. But he cares and I see him almost weekly now. And I'm smart and I'm going places and, I bet you never thought it would come soon enough, but I'm applying for college. And it's frightening! And I find myself wishing from time to time that I still had another year. I know. Crazy. Call the police. But last year you went on a trip to the East Coast to visit colleges...ALONE! And it was amazing and you really are meant to be there. And you're going to have a big group of friends (that you actually don't hate) and a best friend who you wouldn't trade in for the world! And you're going to go to Greece and Turkey and Spain and Italy (and have some delicious ass pasta) and France and, ok that trip sucked, BUT Idaho was awesome. I know you're probably scoffing at that, but it's true. G-dad isn't half bad (he's still kicking by the way). And you'll snorkel in Barbados with sea turtles and swim to the shore. And you'll LOVE the Caribbean. And you'll eat a French sandwich in San Maarten with dad, just the two of you. And shutup about being ugly. You know you're not. You're just an awkward freshman. Love you, but it's true. You're going to get a lot of attention from boys. And a lot of it you won't want (try and let Will down easy, by the way). And you're not fat. You're getting a woman's body and you work out and you're still working on embracing it, so do it earlier and make your life easier. Oh, and Richie's coming back. And it's going to be just like before. And you're probably going to seethe with rage when I tell you that you welcome him back and don't even have to forgive him because it just happens. Shutup. Grow up. And you tutor for his brother about once a week. And, goodness, he gets cuter. And you're going to need to be there for Annie. She has some hard times coming up and so will you. But you'll emerge with your head held high. So calm down. You've just got a few more months of that god awful school and it's over and life will begin. I love you. I don't say that enough but I do. Oh, and for the record. About your ten wishes.
I would wish: 1. to be pretty. 2. to not be fat :/ 3. to have someone care about me. 4. to go to a school I like. 5. to have my older sister care. 6. to delete people from my life that continuously hurt me. 7. to let my sister know how the horrible things she does affect me. 8. to move away. 9. to be older. 10. to be successful. I have to be.
You're pretty goddamn good looking, if I do say so myself. But you're not full of yourself. You're modest. YOU'RE NOT FAT. LOVE YOUR BODY. You have tons of people that care. And if you have a self-pity moment, know that Ricky really does. And that I do, too. I think Kaitlyn cares, you just don't. Fix that. Ok, number six is just unrealistic. She knows, trust me. She knows. Well, you haven't yet, but you will move away. In less than a year (my time). Ready? Honey, you're gonna be 17 soon. If that's not older than a naive 13 year old, then I don't know what is. You're the third in your class. You're in the National Honors Society, Key Club, California Scholarship Federation, ELC, Spanish National Honor Society, and you're applying to an Ivy League and you have a chance. You're successful. Oh, and Elena becomes a vampire."
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