"Root Of All Evil"

"...glared from either side...as though they were seeing each other clearly for the first time...felt a corrosive hatred toward him: something had broken between them."

Will my sorry be enough? It's been a long week already. And you! You know me well enough by now to know that this isn't me. It was nice, but I feel almost betrayed, taken advantage of. And back to you! I'm on the wrong side of your aim. Asshole. You can't ignore me forever. And what me and him are is nothing compared to what we were. So will you stop being a little bitch and forgive me for what I didn't really necessarily do?

"Later, you'll realize your heart wasn't broken - just dinged."

My Hyde

His friends were those of his own blood or those whom he had known the longest; his affections, like ivy, were the growth of time, they implied no aptness in the object.

I learned that the doom and burden of our life is bound forever on man's shoulders, and when he attempts to cast it off, it returns upon us with more unfamiliar and more awful pressure.

Due South

Like ships in the night, letting cannonballs fly. Say what you mean and it turns to a fight. Fist fly from my mouth as it turns south. You're down the driveway; I'm on the couch. Chasing your dreams since the violent 5th grade, trying to believe in your silent own way, because we'll be okay. I'm not going away. Like you watched at fourteen as it went down the drain. And pops stayed the same and your mom moved away. How many of our parents seem to make it anyway? We're just fumbling through the grey, trying to find a heart that's not walking away. Turn the lights down low, walk these halls alone. We can feel so far from so close. And I'm at the airport waiting on a second plane. I had to pack and you had pains and I was late. Headed to a red carpet and they won't know my name. Riding in silence of all that we wanna say. About to board when you call on the phone and say, "I'm sorry. I'll be waiting at home." It feels like we're learning this out on our own. Trying to find a way down the road we don't know. Like ships in the night, you kept passing me by. We're just wasting time trying to prove who's right. And if it all goes crashing into the sea, if it's just you and me, trying to find the light. You're passing me by. And should I find my way back to your side?

Sickeningly Mesmerized

I smelled that scent about thirty seconds ago. It was so familiar, so amazingly, sickeningly sweet. I must have inhaled ten times in ten seconds, barely letting any air escape my lungs. I suppose it was some useless, hopeful idea that, maybe, if I didn't let the smell of you escape, you wouldn't either. Usually it lasts for a minute or two, and the memory of it lives so prominently in my nostrils it's as if I'm right beside you again, all of those years ago. As if you're right beside me on a dark street, in a school parking lot, in a movie theater. But even as I inhaled, it faded, quicker than usual. And I clung to the remnants, like trying to grab hold of a wisp of smoke. And it was so familiar, yet so different. It was still sweet, still tantalizing. But it wasn't as powerful; it didn't churn my stomach in unsettling butterflies: a fantastic, beautiful nausea. I have always thought that those who are so dependent on narcotics are weak, are codependent. But how am I any different? I would do anything, would retrace a thousand steps, just to get a hint of that familiar bouquet. I see my heroin everywhere, I smell it everywhere, and I inhale it so fast that I let myself get lightheaded. I am a drug addict, and I'm going through withdrawals.

"Then wear the gold hat, if that will move her;

If you can bounce high, bounce for her too,

Till she cry 'Lover, gold-hatted, high-bouncing lover,

I must have you!" -Thomas Parke D'Invilliers

I've Got Pride, Too. A Lot.

"Why do you have to be like this?"

"Because I'm a guy. I have pride."

"No."

"If she wants me, she can come to me."

"I don't know. I think it's all affecting me more than it's affecting him."

"What do you mean?"

"Every time I tell myself that I'm moving on, there's this part of me that just can't shake him."

"Well, that's normal. You guys were in love. That doesn't go away just because you declare that you're moving on."

"Then how does anyone ever seem to move on?"

"I don't know. I think someday you'll meet someone new and you'll fall madly in love and you'll have moved on without even realizing it."

Oh, But Now I Know

"Are you happy now? Are you satisfied with the way that you let our love die? So how's it feel to be on the other side without me in your life? Stop. Baby, let it out. Is there a dark cloud looming over you since our breakdown? Has it been difficult? And are you miserable? Are you missing us now? 

I was calling you my world, my heart, my everything. But you didn't give a damn enough to let me in. But now you know: if you want love, you've got to give love or it will disappear. Now you're all alone, wishing you could go back to where you're happy here. But it's too late to make it right and you can't take back the bye's. No, you can't reverse the tears. The truth is hitting you loud and clear. How does it feel to be without my love around, wishing you could turn it around? Oh, but now you know."

Envy

It's different with you. So that's why I can say that I don't think I have feelings for you like I did do for him. Because if I had heard about him what you told me, it would hurt. Very badly. And I would get furious and then sad and then listen to some sad music. But with you, I just became green with envy. Which makes me think that it's only lust with you. But that doesn't make sense either, because you're my best friend so...Maybe it's just selfishness and possessiveness. You're mine. Not hers. You should like me. It doesn't matter if nothing ever comes of it. But that's horrible. Am I a bad person? I care about both of you. I just don't know which one I want. Not like it matters anyway. Neither of you want me.

I Need Your Time

I take a deep breath every time I pass your door; I know you're there but I can't see you anymore. And that's the reason you're in the dark. I've been a stranger ever since we fell apart and I feel so helpless here. Watch, my eyes are filled with fear. Tell me, do you feel the same? Hold me in your arms again. I need your love. I need your time. Now I'm dreaming; will I ever find you now? I walk in circles but I'll never figure out what I mean to you. Do I belong? I try to fight this but I know I'm not that strong. All the years, all the times: you were never, ever to blame. And now my eyes are open. And now my heart is closing. And all the years, all the lies, all the waste: I've been trying to make it change. And now my eyes are open.

It's Harmful, You Know

I'm feeling stupid because I know there isn't any you and me. But when you're trying to beat the odds up, you're trying to keep your nods up. And you know that you should let him go, but the fear of the unknown of holding another lover strong, sends you back into the zone.
I wish I never looked, I wish I never touched. I wish that I could stop loving you so much because I'm the only one that's trying to keep us together, when all of the signs say that I should forget you. I wish you weren't the best, the best I ever had. I wish that the good outweighed the bad, because it'll never be over until you tell me it's over. These battle scars don't look like they're fading, don't look like they're ever going away. I wish I couldn't feel. I wish I couldn't love. I wish that I could stop because it hurts so much.

And just leave then. You shouldn't have, but you said it. And I hope you never come back. It shouldn't have happened but you let it. Now you're down on the ground screaming, "Medic!" The only thing that comes is the post-traumatic stresses. Shields, body armor, and vests don't work properly; that's why you're in a locker full of hurt. The enemy within and all the fires from your friends: the best medicine is to probably just let him win.

Keep On Keeping On

Don't try to take this from me now. Feels like I'm waking from the dead and everyone's been waiting on me. At least now I'll never have to wonder what it's like to sleep a year away. But were we indestructible? I thought that we could brave it all. I never thought that what would take me out was hiding down below. Lost the battle, win the war; bringing my sinking ship back to the shore. We're starting over or head back in. I wish I could find a crystal ball for the days I feel completely worthless. You know I'd use it all for good. I would not take it for granted. Instead, I'd have some memories for the days I don't feel anything. At least they would remind me not to make the same mistakes again. There's a time and a place to die, but this ain't it. If there's a future, we want it.

Never Too Lonely

So what if I don't have a lot to talk about? I shut my mouth and keep it locked until it counts. And what if I don't ever want to leave my house, stay on the couch while all my friends are going out? I make the journey down the hall back to my room. I kill my time and let it rot inside it's tomb. See, I don't want to climb some social ladder, too. Some Shangri-La that all the cool kids will abuse. I'm alone. I'm in love with you alone. You should be alone with me. We could be alone together, but never get too lonely.

It's Criminal

Now, when you say you want to slow down, does it mean you want to slow dance? Maybe you want a little extra time to focus on our romance. What do you mean I got it backwards? You know we're gonna be forever. Why are you telling me goodbye? Aren't you gonna stay the night? Now I walk under a pink sky, love has flown along and passed me by. I pour my heart out to your voicemail, let you know I caught a bus to your side of town. And now I'm standing at your doorstep with Los Angeles behind me. If you're not here when I break in, I'm gonna go to your closet, just so I can smell your skin. As the chemicals swim, I know I'll never love again! I swear I'll never love again! I'm not one of those crazy girls. Baby, are we really over now? Maybe I can change your mind. As soon as you walk out my door, I'm gonna call a hundred times. Now I'm one of those crazy girls.

Singular Proof

It's really hard; I can't cry in your arms because you're not here. It's not your fault and if it was, I wouldn't care. My heart is bigger than the distance between us; I know it because I can feel it beating. Over here, you can count the miles away from where I wanna be. And better skin, he's so warm and matching smiling. That's what I always loved the most about you. You're so strong; come and knock me down. I'll get in my car, driving faster than I ever did before. Head out west until I finally reach the shore, and there I'll swim out wherever you are. And we'll ride the undercurrent down to the floor, making friends with all the unfamiliar creatures. We'll push back all the unnecessary pressure. Come up for air just so you know we won't drown. So do you love me? All you gotta do is say yes. And I won't ever second guess. Now do you love me? Then you already proved it. Baby, if I'm half the man I say I am, if I'm a woman with no fear just like I claim I am, then I believe in what you say, there's nothing left for you to do. The only proof that I need is you.

Fall In Love Again

Why do you care what people think? Are you hooked up to their leash? You know, anklebiters ate up your personality. Try to remember how it felt to just make up your own steps. And let anklebiters chew up, spit out someone else. And fall in love with yourself. Because someday you're gonna be the only one you've got. Why do you wanna play someone and leave yourself to drop dead? What do you actually expect a broken mirror to reflect? You know, they gave you a false perception. And why do I defend your ignorance? Why do I defend the state you're in?

Infinite

I can't count the years on one hand that we've been together; I need the other one to hold you, make you feel better. It's not a walk in the park to love each other. But when our fingers interlock, I can't deny you're worth it, because after all this time, I'm still into you. I recount the night that I first met your mother and on the drive back to my house, I told you that I loved you. You felt the weight of the world fall off your shoulder. Some things just make sense and one of those is you and I. I should be over all the butterflies, but I'm into you. And even on our worst nights, I'm into you. Let them wonder how we got this far, because I don't really need to wonder at all. I'm still into you.

Into The Unknown

I don't even know myself at all. I thought I would be happy by now. The more I try to push it, I realize I gotta let go of control. Gotta let it happen. It's just a spark, but it's enough to keep me going. And when it's dark out, no one's around, it keeps glowing. Every night I try my best to dream; tomorrow makes it better. And wake up to the cold reality that not a things has changed. But it will happen. But the salt in my wounds isn't burning any more than it used to. It's not that I don't feel the pain, it's just that I'm not afraid of hurting anymore. And the blood in these veins, isn't pumping any less than it ever has. And that's the hope I have, the only thing I know is keeping my alive.

We don't talk about the past. I'm riding the future. I'm leaving a key here. Something won't always be missing; you won't always feel emptier. Just think of the future and think of your dreams. You'll get away from here; you'll get away eventually. So, just think of the future; think of a new life. And don't get lost in the memories; keep your eyes on a new prize.

You Can't Lock Me Out

I am the key to the lock in your house, that keeps your toys in the basement. And if you get too far inside, you'll only see my reflection. It's always best when the candle's out. I am the pick in the ice. Do not cry out or hit the alarm; you know we're friends until we die. And either way you turn, I'll be there. Open up your skull; I'll be there, climbing up the walls. It's always best when the light is off. It's always better on the outside. Fifteen blows to the back of your head; fifteen blows to your mind. So lock the kids up safe tonight and shut the eyes in the cupboard. I've got the smell of a local woman who's got the loneliest feeling.

He glided by; his eye had a black meaning. I saw the world in it - small, mean, and black; every little word hooked to every little word, and act to act.

If I Could Be Who You Wanted All The Time

Because I'm discovering that life without him is unimaginable. I just don't know what I can do about it. I lay here and I'm not even sure what to say anymore. I could say I wish for a miracle, or that I love you, or that I'm confused. But in the end, I don't know if it makes a difference. But I thank the world that I've met you. So thank you for being everything I needed.

Thank you for sly glances and innocent smiles. Thank you for sweaty hand-holding and a water balloon toss. Thank you for the most innocent of kisses, countless "I love you"'s, sitting alone in a bus and waiting for me to come. Thank you for random texts and warm hugs, for borrowing your jacket and for holding me under a street lamp. Thank you, thank you.