Make You Banana Pancakes

Sometimes all you need are the simple things to get you excited for the morning. I'm looking forward to making some gluten-free, healthy ass pancakes tomorrow. Just eggs and bananas. And I'll probably toss in some vanilla and cinnamon (when no one's looking, course), and top with some honey or syrup. I'm excited, let me tell you. It's the incredibly tiny things that make me so happy. Because I'm picturing myself sitting outside with a plate of warm pancakes with Wuthering Heights open and enjoying the lovely morning outside. That's what I love. And maybe it'll be gloomy again! Wouldn't that be FREAKING PERFECT??? And I'm thinking I might make chocolate soufflés tomorrow because who cares and they look ah-ma-zing. And I'll eat a tasty lunch and watch a movie or read and swim. And I won't even feel bad about these meals because I work out like nobody's business and the food is relatively healthy (besides the chocolate soufflés). Whoop. Life is good. And we might go to the beach on Saturday which I am very excited about. Listening to music on the way there while the wind blows and relaxing on the beach with my book (maybe even get in a swim), and having a nice little lunch and tasty dinner (do I talk about food a lot?).

I love his beach. It just makes life feel good. And even though I have to go to the doctor's on Friday (yuck) I feel like it'll be fine once plans for the beach are settled. And I'm really excited for school and I want to be a part of that Spider Diaries thing. It seems cool. So I think I'm going to change this blog into something that i just write on. About my day, current events. That kind of thing. In fact I think I'm gonna set up a new blog now. I'm feeling really damn good. It's a lovely change.

Diagnosis

"And how does that make you feel?"

I suppose this morning was just one of those days, you know? Where everything, every tiny little thing, is just way too fucking much. I don't know; maybe I have panic attacks. I saw a movie with kids that have those today and I could relate. It definitely felt like a panic attack. I wanted to cry at everything and I did cry. I went on the scale and weighed myself and it was fine, but I had to stand in front of the mirror for ten minutes and tell myself to calm down.And I couldn't. And then I went outside in the blazing heat and just walked into the pool in my pajamas. And sat by a group of bees without flinching when they buzzed in my ear. And laughed maniacally with tears at the thought of how convenient it will be for everyone when I leave. It was strange. This teary-eyed, sniffling, anxiety went on for two or three hours. And now I feel fine. And something this kid said in the movie stuck with me. He said, "Okay, so here's the thing. In everything that I've read, there's not one case of anyone dying from a panic attack. So the next time you start to feel anxious, you just tell yourself, 'Hey, I'm having a panic attack. I'm not gonna die. In fact, in fifteen minutes, I'll probably feel fine." And although mine didn't just last fifteen minutes, I get what he's saying. Usually they're pretty quick and they pass and I can go on with my day. So I guess what I really need to do is just calm down. Because I'll be fine. And what's fifteen minutes in the grand scheme of things?

I AM LOVELY. So Get Off My Case, Mom

I don't wanna be her; I just want to be little old me. I shouldn't have to think, "Who am I supposed to be today, and what gave you the right to tell me who I should be?" Who gave you that right? Because I feel lovely just the way that I am. I know you want the best, only good things for me. But you have to realize that I can't be all these things you project on me. Because I'm beautiful to me. Doesn't that mean a thing? I feel lovely just the way that I am. I need that to be enough for you, because it's enough for me. Am I supposed to give up everything I am just to make you happy? I thought I was the one you always wanted me to be. It turns out I'm just little old me, and that's fine by me. Because I am lovely just the way that I am.

Hazy

"No man burdens his mind with small matters unless her has some very good reason for doing so."

What if I fall and hurt myself; would you know how to fix me? What if I went and lost myself; would you know where to find me? If I forgot who I am, would you please remind me? Oh, cause without you things go hazy.

Thanks For The Diagnosis. Now What?

Are you a perfectionist, a person who always wants to be in control, an overachiever, and/or do you think no matter what you do it is never enough?

Do you find that you are always questioning your own judgements and/or actions, and/or do you scrutinize yourself over small faults?

Do you think you are not good enough, stupid and/or worthless, or that people are always judging you in a negative way?

Do you find yourself often comparing your appearance and weight to others, strangers and/or models and actors, and wishing to be as "nice looking" or as "thin" as they are?

Do you continuously feel that you are overweight even though others have told you that you are not?

Do family members and/or friends express concern for your weight-loss/gain, your appearance, and/or your eating habits?

Do you feel as though you have a "conscience" or "voice" that tells you negative things about yourself, convinces you that you do not deserve to eat and/or be happy, or that tells you that you are and deserve to be fat and ugly?

Are you depressed, suicidal, stressed-out, and/or fatigued; and/or do you suffer from anxiety or panic attacks, mood swings, rage, and/or insomnia?

Do you typically feel guilty after a binge, or after any snack or meal, and like you have almost instantly gained weight, like you are a failure, and/or like you have sabotaged yourself?

Do you weigh yourself often and does the number on the scale dictate your mood and/ors self-worth for the day; and/or do you find you are continuously trying to get that number lower?

Do you spend a lot of time obsessively cooking for others or reading recipes, and/or studying the nutritional information on food (calories, fat grams, etc)?

Do you find that you bruise easily, have a very high tolerance for pain, and/or are you extremely noise sensitive (even only slightly loud noises irritate you)?

Do you suffer any of the following: heart palpitations and/or chest pains; fainting spells, blackouts, or dizziness; chronic lower back pain, headaches or lightheadedness, tingling in arms or legs, numbness in face or other parts of the body, joint pain, excitability, mood swings, hyperactivity; low blood pressure and/or body temperature or escalated blood pressure or cholesterol; and/or chronically sick with cold or flu symptoms?

It's Been A Long Year

It's been a long day, and all I've got to say is make it strong. It's been a long day, and all I've got to say is I've been wrong. So take a leave of absence; tell me you'll be gone. I don't want to see your face. It's been a long day and I just want to hide away. It's been a long week and all the lines come down heavy on me. It's been a long week. I'm finally feeling like it's okay to break into a thousand pieces no one can replace. Only I can find my way. It's been a long day and I just want to hide away. It's been a long year and everyone around me has disappeared. It's been a long year and all this mess around me has finallycleared. So can I have a moment just to say hello? Can you let your anger go? It's been a long year and I'm finally ready to be here.

My Self-Esteem Is Crumbling

Give me what I want. I want to leave, leave behind. Tell me how to free my body and find peace of mind. This is getting good. I'm feeling like I'm alive. Show me who I am. I'll leave me world all behind.  I'm gonna make my way from the shade to the light. Vibrations are gonna echo on through the night. I've been here before, different straits, different times. I'll show you who I am and I'll leave my world ll behind. I wanna go to a place that I know is real. I need to find a new place for my mind to heal. Feel no doubt, you know we're gonna make it out. Don't be scared.

No More Tears

Would you know my name if I saw you in heaven? Would it be the same if I saw you in heaven? I must be strong and carry on because I know I don't belong here in heaven. Would you hold my hand if I saw you in heaven? Would you help me stand if I saw you in heaven? I'll find my way through night and day, because I know I just can't stay here in heaven. Time can bring you down. Time can bend your knees. Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please. Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure. And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven. I must be strong and carry on because I know I don't belong here in heaven.

Regrettably

"In her eyes he eclipses and predominates the whole of his sex. It was not that she felt any emotion akin to love for him. In all emotions, and that one particularly, were abhorrent to her cold, precise, but admirably balanced mind...She never spoke of the softer passions, save with a gibe and a sneer...Grit in a sensitive instrument, or a crack in one of his own high-power lenses, would not be more disturbing than a strong emotion in a nature such as hers. And yet there was but one man to her, and he was that man."

Royals

I've never seen a diamond in the flesh. I cut my teeth on wedding rings in the movies. And I'm not proud of my address in the torn up town, no post code envy. My friends and I, we've cracked the code. We count our dollars on the train to the party. And everyone who knows us knows that we're fine with this; we didn't come from money. But every song's like gold teeth, grey goose, trippin' in the bathroom. Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin' the hotel room. We don't care; we're driving cadillacs in our dreams. But everybody's like crystal, Maybach, diamonds on your time piece, jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash. We don't care; we aren't caught up in your love affair. And we'll never be royals, it don't run in our blood. That kind of lux just ain't for us; we crave a different kind of buzz. Let me be your ruler. You can call me Queen Bee. And baby, I'll rule, I'll rule. Let me live that fantasy. We're bigger than we ever dreamed and I'm in love with being queen. Life is game without a care; we aren't caught up in your love affair.

Delusion, Scott

"I think that today was just about having today. And I think we are one of those couples with a long story when people ask how we found each other. I will see (him) every now and then, and then maybe one year (he'll) be will somebody and the next year I'll be with somebody, and it's gonna take a long time. And then it's perfect. I'm in no rush."

At Least Not For Me

"Though sympathy can't alter facts, it can make them more bearable."

It bothers me when I read through your current stuff. The "We should hang, unless you don't want to," the "fucked up" shit, all of that stuff that brands you as a loser. And yet...

What an idiot I am. Here I am, thinking everything's all over and done with, and then I scroll through old pictures. Like an idiot. And I see you, smiling that fucking smile that I swear I would kill to see again. So innocently happy and content and the fact that I put it on your face made it even better. And then I see a picture of me on that day at the carnival and I sigh because it was so long ago and so far gone. I'm not saying I still like you. I mean, I have feelings for you but not how they were. It's more like I just want to know what you think of me, to know that you'll be who you were. I need closure. And then, I swear, I'll move on. Totally and completely. Because even now, knowing I don't love you like I used to, I still think about you every day. And that's okay I guess. But seeing that old picture made me miss you and even like you a little bit. But that's just it. I liked him. The boy in the picture. Not you now. And if there's one thing I'm certain of, it's that the 13 year old boy with the spiky hair, the blue ink covered hands, the shy smile, the innocence and insecurity that I so loved, is gone. And I just don't think he's coming back. Not anymore. At least not for me. 

Thirteen Reasons Why

It's not me, it's you. And here's why I've been able to come to terms with the fact that we are nothing, not friends or even acquaintances.

1. You're fearful. So am I, but I am traditional. You make the move. No exceptions.

2. You're ignorant. Oh, man. This could count for about five reasons. But you are. And it sickens me.

3. You're a brain-washed Catholic, and it makes you judgmental and very close-minded.

4. You're one of those homophobes who think God never planned them and they're an abomination. Nice theory.

5. You're so Republican that I get nauseous. But here's the funny thing: in a political debate, you could never hold your own. You only know what your father or friends have spewed back at you.

6. You're racist. To almost all cultures, but I've seen and heard what you and your family say about mine and, although people have made me self-conscious to admit being 25% Mexican, it's made me who I am. And helped get me a scholarship. So there.

7. You're misogynistic. Oh, how your sexism infuriates me. The "make me a sandwich" thing was about funny for five seconds for a group of thirteen year old boys. Grow up. I may be a Mexican woman, but in terms of knowledge, I could floor you. And I'm already far more successful than you, as a caucasian boy, will ever be. So what does that say, my friend?

8. Reasons 3-7 make you seem incredibly stupid in my eyes. And while in 8th grade your stupidity was merely in terms of schoolwork and I found it slightly endearing, I now find that you have used your stupidity to be a follower. That just doesn't fly.

9. Reasons 3-7 also make you far more immature than a boy your age should be. My other male friends laugh at stories of you, at your ignorance, and it makes me realize how far behind you are.

10. You're lazy. I don't know of a single situation where laziness is attractive.

11. You're becoming your family. I used to defend you or agree with my mom when she would say you were the one person in that fucked up family who had their head on straight. Now, I throw in the counter-argument. She's wrong. I was wrong. You are what you are. You are your father's son. 

12. When I see posts or messages that you've put out on the Internet, I actually have been disgusted and embarrassed. I imagine if we were still dating and I saw those things. I'd turn away. And maybe that's why I left you three (four?) times. Because I saw in you what I couldn't see when you left me. That you're everything I hate in our generation. That we couldn't ever work because you epitomize what irritates me! You're like the human version of the Fox News Network. I can't love that.

13. And lastly, this one actually makes me sad. When I wrote out numbers 1-13, I thought, "There's no way I can think of thirteen reasons. I used to love you. I used to dream of you every night, think of you every single day, want you, need you. There's no way I could think of thirteen things I hate. Five max." But I could. I didn't even have to take time to think about each one. In fact, the reasons sprang to my mind so fast I had to quickly jot them down so I wouldn't leave one out. I'm just upset that you turned into them. You were so good, so undeniably good. You had been beaten down and had a little coy smile and spiked out hair and were cute, but you had no idea. You were the insecure one. You thought it was crazy that I could ever like you. You were meek and still afraid of what the future holds and you were you. Now, you're a stranger and I don't like you. You're not even a stranger I would like to know. You're someone I walk past on the street, obnoxiously screaming with your friends, high on weed and drunk off of excessive amounts of alcohol, and I just think douchebag. I've learned to not feel good about your old promises. You never fulfill them. I hope someday you can come back. Not for me. But maybe for some nice girl who can turn you around. Who knows, maybe she'll be Catholic? And maybe you won't be embarrassed to bring her near your family. And maybe you won't duck and hide every time she comes around. And maybe you won't avoid her eye. And maybe you won't run away from her if you see her around town. And maybe you won't become your father and will love her and treat her right. But that's not where you're headed right now. And I hate it. I hate who you've become.

Depend Upon?

I, strange to say, slept without dreaming. Despair has its own calms. For life be, after all, only a waitin' for somethin' else than what we're doin', and death be all that we can rightly depend on.

Thanks, Mom

"When I was younger, I told my mother, 'One day, I'm gonna make you proud.' Now that I'm older, it's so much harder to say those words out loud."

Why can't you just let me fucking be? I'm satisfied with myself when I don't give in to my gluttonous side. Mental problem? Really? I know what I look like naked. I know that I don't have a "perfect" body. So fuck you. You don't know anything. Nothing at all. It's not a mental problem that I can see that there are problems with my body, that it's gross and too muscular in some places, too skinny in others, and fucking fat in most. I know that my legs are short, my thighs large, my hips too wide, my stomach too soft, my arms too thin, my boobs too small. I know this. So don't tell me I have "a mental problem" and don't see myself correctly. You'll find yourself in the outside of my life. Again. Don't make me push you completely out of my life. I'll do it. Already I'm planning on not speaking to you for a while. At least for the day. It's 9 AM so you successfully ruined my morning without provocation. I walk inside after my calming morning ritual and I'm greeted by you telling me I have a mental problem, peanut butter and jelly is just as horrible for me as everything else, lean cuisine has tons of sodium, and I cost you a fortune. So my "chemically imbalanced" brain only heard a few things from that conversation: you said I have mental issues merely to hurt me, because if you thought it was totally true, you wouldn't say it to my face. Or would you? You would. Despicable. Also I'm stupid for thinking I can try to eat healthy and the one thing I like that is an indulgence calorie-wise (because I know PB&J has a lot of calories), but I thought was healthy, is also not good enough to eat. So you definitely didn't help there. You make me not want to eat anything especially those TWO DOLLAR LEAN CUISINES THAT COST YOU A FUCKING FORTUNE. God fucking damn. Do I ask for anything more than a cereal and low calorie food? No. Do I smoke pot in the bathroom and rely on my little sister to keep a secret? No. I pay for all of my own shit, even the things parents are supposed to provide or at least help out with. Like, oh I dont know, clothes, haircuts, underwear, to name a fucking few. So thanks for the pep talk, mom. You've successfully made me feel like a fat, unstable lump of shit. Thanks! I can always count on you to feel better about myself. Always. From the very beginnings of my youth you've helped to shape me into the insecure, quiet, self-conscious, angry, resentful, self-hating woman I am today. Three cheers for the best mom ever!

What It Was

We were young. We were never growing old, and the glitter was still gold, the way it used to be. It was love; it was easy just to smile. It was easy for a while, the way it used to be. Look at you, you've got the life and the pretty house. But you must still think about the way it used to be. Is it real? She doesn't love you like I do. Can we just go back to the way it used to be? Look at us, just look what we've become. Just a shell of what was once the way it used to be. Even stars they fade and colors turn to gray. I miss yesterday and the way it used to be. And I can't turn back time even if I tried. I miss you tonight and I miss the way it used to be.

Young

Thinking we don't want to get caught up in over-thinking; we've only got tonight. Moments, we gotta keep on living for these moments. Because this is our time. Life's too short to sit and wait for love to come our way. Light it up like fireworks; I wanna hear you say, "We are alive!" You know there's nothing wrong with taking chances. We put it on the line and, someday, I know we're gonna be somebody. Life's too short to sit and wait. And we have the light shining down. We are the reckless. You can hear us drowning out the sound. We are young and dumb, always chasing something. With hearts like drums, you can hear us coming.

Out Of Sight...

Everyday at twilight, when the sun turns red in the sky, I think of you on that shoreline, brushing the hair from your eyes. We were drawing out names in the wet sand and running away as the tide rolled in. Even if there is an ocean keeping your heart from mine, that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you all the time. I'm counting the days till I see you and, somewhere, I know that you are too. We had the summertime of our lives; nothing has ever felt so right. And even though we had to say goodbye, I know, when the world gets warm, you'll come back to me. Wherever you are, no matter how far, I promise that I won't give up on you. They say out of sight means out of mind, but they couldn't be further from the truth. Because I'm in love with you. I'm still in love with you.

Till The End Of Time

Blue jeans, white shirt, walked into the room. You know, you made my eyes burn. It was like James Dean, for sure. You're so fresh to death and sick as cancer. You were sort of punk rock. I grew up on hip hop, but you fit me better than my favorite sweater. And I know that love is mean and love hurts, but I still remember that day we met in December. Big dreams, gangster, said you had to leave to start your life over. I was like, "No, please. Stay here. We don't need no money, we can make it all work." But he headed out on Sunday, said he'd come home Monday. I stayed up waiting, anticipating, and pacing. But he was chasing paper, "caught up in the game;" that was the last I heard. You went out every night and, baby, that's alright. I told you that no matter what you did I'd be by your side. Cause I will ride or die whether you fail or fly. Well, shit, at least you tried. But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died. I told you I wanted more, but that's not what I had in mind. I just want it like before. We were dancing all night, then they took you away, stole you out of my life. You just need to remember. I will love you till the end of time. I would wait a million years. Promise you'll remember that you're mine. Baby, can you see through the tears? Love you more than those bitches before. Say you'll remember, oh, please. Say you'll remember. I will love you till the end of time.

I Am Craving You

"I chase your love around a figure 8. I need you more than I can take. You promise forever and a day, and then you take it all away."

Why can't you want me like the other boys do? They stare at me while I stare at you. Why can't I keep you safe as my own? One moment I have you, the next you are gone. Rehearsed steps on an empty stage, that boy's got my heart in a silver cage. Why can't you want me like the other boys do? They stare at me while I crave you. I walked into the room, dripping in gold. A wave of heads did turn, or so I've been told. My heart broke when I saw you kept your gaze controlled. Oh, I cannot solve why you don't want me like the other boys do. Let's just stop and think, before I lose face. Surely I can't fall into a game of chase. Around his little finger that boy has got me curled. I try to reach out, but he's in his own world. This boy's got my head tied in knots with all his games. I simply want him more because he looks the other way. I am craving you.