But Only On My Own

On my own, pretending he's beside me. All alone, I walk with him until morning. Without him, I feel his arms around me. And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me. In the rain the pavement shines like silver; all the lights are misty in the river. In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight. And all I see is him and me forever and forever. And I know it's only in my mind that I'm talking to myself and not to him. And although I know that he is blind, still I say there's a way for us. I love him, but when the night is over he is gone. The river's just a river without him. The world around me changes; the trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers. I love him, but every day I'm learning all my life I've only been pretending. Without me his world will go on turning; a world that's full of happiness that I have never known. I love him. I love him. I love him, but only on my own.

Extinguished

"If you dare, come a little closer."

I can promise you, if you become my friend, if you crave my love, if you desire my company, you will be let down. You will be hurt. It isn't a possibility, but an assurance. You silly little fools. Every single one of you. There are only two people I would never dream of hurting, at least not intentionally. I want only their happiness. Theirs is mine. I love them both, but I've hurt one. I've burned him. He can't forget the feeling and I can't forget the look on his face. I may not be in love with him, but I will always love him. And I hate his pain. Especially if I am the cause. I'm sorry. Maybe we could've worked this out in different circumstances. Or maybe not. Maybe we're fated to eternities of regret, what-ifs, silent apologies, emotional scars, and lost kisses. If that's the case, I am sad for us. I really am. No one feels the regret stronger than I. Except, perhaps, you. But your silence is deafening.

And I See The Sign

I've had better days than this. Words trip like untied shoelaces; still you're worth falling down for once in a while And I'm disinclined to admit, with you and I this could be it. And something's telling me we'll know before too long. I tried reading tea leaves and the stars in all the days we were apart. Maybe my mind wasn't made up, but I chose love. Still I'm inclined to admit, with you and I this might be it. These failed predictions kept us wondering all the time. I never want to let you down, so why not cut these strings before we hit the ground? And now you're out there on your own, these tangled lines all come undone. Tell me how it feels letting go. You try your luck in your best suit, tied to a broken parachute. It's the hole in my heart you fell through. If you say I'm wrong, I'll say you're wrong. But no one has to be right. And if you say you're wrong, I'll say I'm wrong. Nothing could be worth this fight. We try our luck, not our strong suit. We can't give up this parachute.

Not In Memory

Oh, no. It's fine. I'll just keep waiting for you to talk to me. So I do care. But not like before. I just want you to talk to me. Is that really so hard to do? Press send. I can still feel you. I can still see you. Every detail.

Oh. Heartbreak.

"He doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve. He keeps it buried where it belongs, to reveal itself only when necessary."

"It's the moment that she realizes that it's not going to happen. I think that's the point where she realizes that she really does love him."

"She realizes very quickly that she has to move on."

"As much as he loves Lavinia, as beautiful as she is and as wonderful as she's been to him. There's sort of a fire that he can't quite put out. He's a terribly, romantically confused man. How can you resist?"

"Well, Mary and Matthew have just got to get together."

"They're meant to be together. But maybe they can't be. I mean, maybe it's too late."

"Never mistake a wish for a certainty."

"Weddings can be reminders of one's loneliness, can't they? Sorry, I don't know why I said that."

"You're meant to be together; I've known that for as long as I've been at the house. And at first this kept you apart and then that kept you apart. But please don't risk it a third time. Because I'll tell you this: you won't be happy with anyone else while Lady Mary walks the earth."

"Tom said I'd never be happy with anyone else as long as you walk the earth, which is true. And I think you feel the same about me. Can I kiss you? Because I need to. Very much."

"He won't get off that easily."

"But you're happy?"

"I am. And what about you?"

"I'm so happy. So very happy I feel my chest will explode."

"You came. To be honest, I wasn't completely sure that you would."

"I'm glad to hear it. I should hate to be found predictable."

"Stop talking and kiss me before I get cross."

"You are being tested. And do you know what they say, my darling? Being tested only makes you stronger."

"I don't think it's working with me."

"What would you like me to get you?"

"A different life."

"You're a woman with a brain and reasonable ability. Stop whining and find something to do."

"There's nothing more tiring than waiting for something to happen."

"Come on. Breathe, love. Listen, it's me, my darling. All you need to do is breathe. Please breathe, my love. Please wake up. Please don't leave me. Please, love.

"That's all very well but I can't see a happy ending."

"Why must you sound so cold-hearted?"

"You can't be quite horrid when you want to be."

"I know. But you do love me, don't you?"

"Madly."

"I can't bear to be without her."

"But you must bear it. And maybe someday you can find someone to bear it with you. But until then you must be your own master and call your own tune."

"Love is like riding or speaking French. If you don't learn it young, you won't get the hang of it later."

"It's funny. I feel as if I'm only half myself without him."

"These things are always very nerve-wracking. But all's well that ends well."

"Life is strange, isn't it?"

"In so many different ways"

No, I mean I think of all of the uncertainty between Matthew and Mary, when everything was so dark. Yet now here we are. And I wonder what I've done to deserve it."

"I agree. But then we don't always get our just deserts."

Like A Disease

You bitch. You will not defeat me. Not this time. I will let you fall on your face before you trip me up again. Move. Get out of my way. LEAVE.

Yes, I Dreamt Of You

The feelings I once had for you still resonate in me. They aren't as strong, but they are still there. It's feels as if I've just sobbed my eyes out and my head still throbs and my throat is closed up. I've wiped off the smeared makeup and there are no signs of any tears, but I can feel it. I can't see it. But it's there. I don't know. I saw you and it wasn't like before, where my stomach would churn and my heart would ache and all of that fun stuff. You see, I'd already pushed those feelings so far away that, when you came back around to bring them back to the surface again, I couldn't find them. I'm still searching. I thought I liked someone new but maybe that was just my excuse to move on. I needed a firm reason to walk away. And I used the one I made up. I will always, always, always care for you. There's literally nothing you could do to change that. So don't bother trying. I just need to figure out if I ever want to stop loving you. Because I could, if I wanted to. I could move on, if I wanted to. I could find somebody new, if I wanted to. I'm just not sure if that I do.

Some Little Feeling

All along it was a fever, a cold sweat, high-headed believer. I threw my hands in the air and said, "Show me something." He said, "If you dare, come a little closer." It's not much of a life you're living. It's not just something you take- it's given. Round and around we go. Not really sure how to feel about it. Something in the way you move makes me feel like I can't live without you. It takes me all the way. I want you to stay. The reason I hold on is because I need this hole gone. It's funny, you're the broken one, but I'm the only one who needed saving. When you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving.

Things Were Better Than They Are

"You were his first love."

"Everybody has a first love. Sometimes we outgrow them. He has."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because I'm not the one he loves."

I guess love just wasn't enough for us to survive. I swear, I swear, I swear I tried. You took the life right out of me. I'm so unlucky I can't breathe. You took the life right out of me. I'm longing for you heartbeat.

Unearthed

Dig up her bones, but leave the soul alone. Boy with a broken soul, heart with a gaping hole. Dark twisted fantasy turned to reality. Kissing death and losing my breath. Midnight hours, cobble street passages, and forgotten savages. Dig up her bones, but leave the soul alone; let her find a way to a better place. Broken dreams and silent screams, empty churches with soulless curses: we found a way to escape the day. Dig up her bones, but leave the soul alone. Lost in the pages of self-made cages. Life slips away and the ghosts come to play. These are hard times for dreamers and love-lost believers. Candybar creep show; my highs hit a new low. Marinate in misery, like a girl of only 17. Man-made madness and the romance of sadness, a beautiful dance that happened by chance.

Bury The Bones

It's been a long day and all I've got to say it make it strong. It's been a long day and all I've got to say is I've been wrong. So take a leave of absence, tell me you'll be gone. I don't want to see your face. It's been a long day and I just want to hide away. It's been a long week and all the lines come down heavy on me. It's been a long week. I'm finally feeling like it's okay to break into a thousand pieces no one can replace; only I can find my way. It's been a long day and I just want to hideaway. It's been a long year and everyone around me has disappeared. It's been a long year and all this mess around me has finally cleared. So can I have a moment just to say hello? Can you let your anger go? It's been a long year and I'm finally ready to be here.

For Reasons Unknown

I pack my face. I check my face; I look a little bit older. I look a little bit colder. With one deep breath and one big step, I move a little bit closer. I caught my stride; I flew and flied. I know if destiny's kind, I've got the rest of my mind. See, my heart doesn't beat the way it used to. And my eyes don't see you anymore. And my lips don't kiss the way they used to. And my eyes don't recognize you anymore, for reasons unknown.

Glitch

I am bad and that's good. I will never be good and that's not bad. There is no one I'd rather be than me.

What The Hell, Man?

When I waited for you, there was no show. I made myself believe the untrue. How could I not know? I bet it seemed easier just to lie, but I found you out. This is my last goodbye. I heard enough fairy tales back in my youth, so just stop biting your nails and take the painful truth. You just look ridiculous in disguise. Yes, I found you out. This is my goodbye because it used to be my life and soul, keeping everything in tune. What the hell, man? Last time I checked, man, we had it all. It was just me and you, so what happened to you? I thought I knew you. No more chances; I'm gone, gone, gone. Love is not blind; it's just deaf and it is dumb. So how could I fool myself thinking you were the one? How sad, how undignified. Now I found you out. Don't wait for me. I'll be gone, because when I waited for you there was no show. I made myself believe the untrue. How could I not know?

When There's Nothing Left

Whisper "Hello, I miss you quite terribly."

Somewhere in between the beginning and the end, September took the tourist and settled in for good. You could hear the rains again; summer left and no one said a word. I'm talking to what's left of you, watching what I say, counting all the freckles on your perfect face. You open your window and I stay on your bed, just hoping that right words will come. So what happened to bulletproof weeks in your arms? What happened to feeling cheap radio songs? What happened to thinking the world was flat? What happened to that? It's all gone, love, it's all wrong.

I'm only pretty sure that I can't take anymore. Before you take a swing, I wonder what are we fighting for? When I say out loud, "I want to get out of this," I wonder is there anything I'm going to miss? I wonder how it's going to be when you don't know me. How's it going to be when you're sure I'm not there. How's it going to be where is no one to talk to. Between you and me, I don't care how it's going to be. Where we used to laugh, there's a shouting match, sharp as a thumbnail scratch. A silence I can't ignore like the hammocks by the doorway we spent time in. Swings empty, don't see lightning like last fall when it was always about to hit me. I wonder how it's going to be when it goes down. How's it going to be when you're not around? How's it going to be when you found out there was nothing between you and me? Because I don't care how it's going to be. I want to get myself back in again, the soft dive of oblivion. How's it going to be when you don't know me anymore? When I don't know you anymore?

Shut My Thoughts Up

Oh my god. You just logged on and I scrambled to find a picture to post so that you would see it JUST HOW I USED TO DO WITH HIM. I got excited seeing your name as I did every time he would log on!!! I've lost it. I have completely lost my mind. That's it. And I can't stop posting about you. Oh my god. I'm going crazy. And my best friend, the one person I would want most to talk about this with, IS YOU. So I can't. Fuck, fuck, fuck. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?

But at least I'll see you after fourth period. I'm excited for that. 

Oh my god, no. Just saying that...No no no no.

If I Know That I Can't Have You

Try to fall asleep tonight, I lay awake and dream of life when we thought we could make it. We wasted all our time; but I wouldn't change a single thing I know. Two wrongs don't make it right; two hearts are on the line. Maybe we could have made it, had we waited and done this right. In the end I'm a friend, but that's all I am to you. We get closer and closer again, but we're falling apart. I'm losing, you're losing a friend. It's always over before we start. You're asking for love and I wish that it could be the way that it was. But it's over; there's no one to blame. It'll never be the same.

I Think I'm Losing My Mind

What is wrong with me.What is wrong with me.What is wrong with me.What is wrong with me.What is wrong with me.What is wrong with me.What is wrong with me.What is wrong with me.What is wrong with me.What is wrong with me.What is wrong with me.What is wrong with me.What is wrong with me.

I was looking forward to school today. Because I knew I would see you. I let myself look over to where you hang about. Approximately thirty times. After fourth period, I knew our paths would literally cross because of where our classes were. And then she took FOREVER to leave the classroom and I could see you walk by through the window and she's slowly writing her name down and I'm just screaming in my head, "CAN YOU HURRY UP, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD?!?" And I walked past you at lunch. And I smiled when I saw you laugh. And this can't be. This can't be. God damnit. I actually like you. Will he PLEASE text me so I can get over you and fast? What's wrong with me?

Fear Of Living

"You're not the only one whose life is imperfect. Relationships are a pain in the ass."

"You can't make someone love you."

"No. But you can stop trying to avoid getting hurt. Take a chance. Have you hold him exactly how you feel, what you want?"

"I think it's pretty obvious."

"You can't even say it to me."

"I love him."

"I'm willing to fight for you."

"I don't think my choice is so clear."

This Is A Cruel Joke

I'm feeling for him how I used to feel for you, how I shouldn't feel, how I never wanted to feel, how I never thought I would feel. And all he wants to do is forget. I guess I do, too. If anything came of this, I would push him away. I'd indulge him for a moment and then push him far, far away. Because that's what I do. And I miss you, A. I miss you so much. And I'll always love you. I can't help it. But the intensity is fading. Now I just love you because I have to, because the alternative is so impossible. And I'm sorry my love for you isn't unconditional anymore. But it is for him. But I'm so confused that I don't know what to do. I've been thinking of him and dreaming of him and missing him so much. They say that the person you fall asleep thinking about is the person you're in love with. And for five years, that was you. I'd relive memories and smile and cry and make up situations of reuniting. But now it's him. It's always him. And I don't know what to make of it. I've never been so undeniably lost. If I was given the choice before, I would've chosen to be with you in a heartbeat. No question about it. But now. If I was given the choice of him, I would say both yes and no, with equal enthusiasm. I'm so, so sorry. But if you can still save me, so that he can love her and I can go back to desperately wanting you, please, please, talk to me. Choose me like I would always have chosen you. Every time. Every single time.

But Thank You

Three years ago I was pleading for you to stay. But you didn't. If you did, however, I wouldn't have found that things eventually get better. Somedays I miss you and all the good talks we had. I still love you, but I guess I don't like you anymore. It happens. I'm sorry.

I Hope You Know I Care

Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim.

I was never really insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.

Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they'll notice. If they don't, you know where you stand.

You never really stop loving someone, you just learn to live without them.

But like a wave out of the ocean, I will always come right back to you.

What Am I Gonna Do With Forever Now?

You would always see the signs; the echos in my head they rhyme. I feel we never win at all, but tomorrow is another day. I don't know what I feel anymore; I've felt all these feelings before. I felt they never went home at all. Tomorrow is another day and I don't know what I'll be searching for.

So cold, I know you can't believe it. Sometimes you've got to face the feeling. You don't care if you don't get up again. There's a thousand things I will not understand. Now you're dealing with the hell I put you through. If I had my way, I would be right there next to you. There's certain things in life you cannot change. I hope you know I care. I've been alone too many nights, too proud to tell you when you're right. A little patience would have helped me then; a lot like the break has been the common standard. All the angels above the earth, I prayed and said this message right into her head. There's certain things in life I cannot take when I'm awake. I hope you know I care. Now you're dealing with the hell I put you through. If I had my way, I would be right there next to you. There's certain things in life you cannot change. I hope you know I care.