This Is A Cruel Joke

I'm feeling for him how I used to feel for you, how I shouldn't feel, how I never wanted to feel, how I never thought I would feel. And all he wants to do is forget. I guess I do, too. If anything came of this, I would push him away. I'd indulge him for a moment and then push him far, far away. Because that's what I do. And I miss you, A. I miss you so much. And I'll always love you. I can't help it. But the intensity is fading. Now I just love you because I have to, because the alternative is so impossible. And I'm sorry my love for you isn't unconditional anymore. But it is for him. But I'm so confused that I don't know what to do. I've been thinking of him and dreaming of him and missing him so much. They say that the person you fall asleep thinking about is the person you're in love with. And for five years, that was you. I'd relive memories and smile and cry and make up situations of reuniting. But now it's him. It's always him. And I don't know what to make of it. I've never been so undeniably lost. If I was given the choice before, I would've chosen to be with you in a heartbeat. No question about it. But now. If I was given the choice of him, I would say both yes and no, with equal enthusiasm. I'm so, so sorry. But if you can still save me, so that he can love her and I can go back to desperately wanting you, please, please, talk to me. Choose me like I would always have chosen you. Every time. Every single time.