Go Away. You're Not The One.

Mahalo for the ego boost.

That Makes Three. In Two Hours.

To The Purple Flowers And Flowing Tears

I am grateful for the black bees, even though they scare me. But I sit beneath them in bliss because they mean that the wisteria is here. It smells heavenly. I could sit in this rickety chair, beneath purple flowers hanging like grapes, their fallen petals covering the ground like a crunchy carpet, and the sound of buzzing filling my ears. I am grateful for life, in its simplest forms.

I am grateful for tears; they reveal our true emotions. I am grateful for phone calls bringing good news on Sunday afternoons. I am grateful for the small things that remind me of my youth and innocence. I am grateful for belonging.

I am happy. This is what gratification feels like.

I have found my place. I love my family. Thank you. And I'm sorry I don't believe in you. Or maybe I do. But somebody helped. And I appreciate it. More than you know.

The Chase

You're not easy to love. Why is everything with you so complicated? Why do you make it hard to love you? Oh, I hate it. Because if you really want to be alone, I will throw my hands up because, baby, I tried. But everything with you is so complicated. Sometimes I get you; sometimes I don't understand. Sometimes I love you; sometimes it's you I can't stand. Sometimes I wanna hug you; sometimes I wanna push you away. Most times I wanna kiss you, other times punch you in the face. Because every minute you start switching up and say things like you don't give a fuck. Then I say I'm through with you, take my heart from you. And you come running after me and, baby, I'm back with you. Sometimes I catch you; sometimes you get away. Sometimes I read you, other times I'm like where are you on the page? Sometimes I feel like we will be together forever, but you're so complicated. My heart knows better. I'll stick around just a little while longer, just to make sure that you're really sure you like sleeping alone. You're not easy to love.

Nearly Gone

You say you love me, but they feel like words to me. Well, this just ain't working. Stop thinking you can run over me. Drifting, settling off to a foreign place. If I can't see what's in front of me, it's a mystery. Well, then apparently things just ain't the same and I'm ready for change. Go on, be gone, so long. Can't you see that you're fading away? I opened up my eyes and I finally realized today, it's too late: you're fading away. Put a sock in it; just stop running your mouth. Got my mind made up; I ain't coming back again. No way, because I'm so fed up. You got me messed up. If we're hooking back up, don't press your luck today. Today, I'm blowing you away. Saw you turn into a ghost right in front of my eyes. Tell me, what's a girl to do when she's crying inside? I'm about to go insane; I'm jumping off this train. Whether wrong or right, I'll be gone by night.

Why Do You Feel The Need To Ask?

If I don't say this now, I will surely break. As I'm leaving the one I want to take, forget the urgency, but hurry up and wait. My heart has started to separate. There now, steady, love. So few come and don't go. Will you, won't be the one I'll always know? When I'm losing my control, the city spins around. You're the only one who knows and you slow it down. If ever there was a doubt, my love, he leans into me. "This most assuredly counts," he says, most assuredly. It's always have and never hold. You've begun to feel like home. What's mine is yours to leave or take. What's mine is yours to make your own. I'll look after you.

Burn

On the first page of our story the future seemed so bright, then this thing turned so evil. I don't know why I'm still surprised; even angels have wicked schemes, and you take that to new extremes. But you'll always be my hero, even though you've lost your mind. Now there's gravel in our voices, glass is shattered from the fight. In this tug of war you'll always win, even when I'm right. Because you feed me fables from your hand with violent words and empty threats, and it's sick that all these battles are what keep me satisfied. So maybe I'm a masochist. I try to run, but I don't wanna ever leave, until the walls are going up in smoke with all our memories.

It's morning, you wake, a sun ray hits your face: smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction. Hush, baby. Speak softly; tell me you're awfully sorry that you pushed me into the coffee table last night, so I can push you off me. Try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me. Run out of the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy. Baby, without you I am nothing. I'm so lost, hug me then tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me. Then, after that, shove me in the aftermath of the destructive path that we're on. Two psycopaths but we know that no matter how many knives we put in each others' backs, that we'll have each others' backs because we're that lucky. Together we move mountains; let's not make mountains out of molehills. You hit me twice, but who's counting? I may have hit you three times; I'm starting to lose count. But together we'll live forever; we found the youth fountain. Our love is crazy; we're nuts, but I refuse counselling. This house is too huge; if you move out I'll burn all two thousand square feet of it to the ground; ain't shit you can do about it. Because with you I'm in my fucking mind, without you I'm out it.

Is There An Answer?

I've been ignoring this big lump in my throat. I shouldn't be crying; tears were for the weaker days. I'm stronger now, so I say. But something's missing. Whatever it is, it feels like it's laughing at me through the glass of a two-sided mirror. Whatever it is, it's just laughing at me. And I just wanna scream, "What now?" I just can't figure it out. I guess I'll just wait it out. I found the one; he changed my life. But was it me that changed and he just happened to come at the right time? I'm supposed to be in love, but I'm numb again. What now? Please, tell me. There's no one to call because I'm just playing games with them all. The more I swear I'm happy, the more that I'm feeling alone, because I spent every hour just going through the motions. I can't even get the emotions to come out. Dry as a bone, but I just wanna shout, "What now?" I don't know where to go. I don't know what to feel. I don't know how to cry.

To A Lost One

I know you're somewhere out there, somewhere far away. I want you back. I want you back. My neighbors think I'm crazy, but they don't understand; you're all I had. I'm feeling like I'm famous, the talk of the town. They say I've gone mad, but they don't know what I know. Because when the sun goes down, someone's talking back. At night when the stars light up my room, I sit by myself talking to the moon, trying to get to you, in hopes you're on the other side talking to me, too. Or am I a fool who sits alone, talking to the moon? I'm still trying to get to you. I know you're somewhere out there, somewhere far away.

A Judgement

You saw me on the television, setting fire to all the buildings. Yeah, I guess you saw me stealing, but you've no idea what I've been needing. Talk about when we were children, not the kind of kid that you believe in. You saw me on the television, but that's just the half of it. This is the life I live and that's just the half of it. You saw me hanging out my dirty linen. You're entitled to your own opinion; sit and shake your head at my decision. I guess the kind of songs that I've been singing make it seem as if I'm always winning. But that's just the half of it. You know me: I'm the life of the party, beautiful people surround me, everybody falling in love. You know me, everybody knows that I'm crazy. Sticks and stones they never break me and I'm the type that don't give a fuck. And that's just the half of it.

Marionette

They're taught to tell the truth. They're taught to force a smile. They lead us down the road, but they can only see a mile. We only see what they want us to see. They line us up in uniforms and tell us not to feel. They've never been to heaven, but they tell us that it's real. They only see what they wanna see. We watch them pray down on their knees because that's the way they were taught to be. And thanks to them, we can be free. Thanks to them, we have the key. You'll be you and I'll be me. They say that they're not puppets and then we point them to the strings; convinced us they're together by the paper and the ring. They can't see what we want them to see. So tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you all my fears, because if we knock these walls down we might know why we're here.

To Beat Oneself

Ice-age heat wave, can't complain. If the world's at large, why should I remain? Walked away to another plan; gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand. I move on to another day, to a whole new town with a whole new way. Went to the porch to have a thought; got to the door and again, I couldn't stop. You don't know where and you don't know when, but you still got your words and you got your friends. Walk along to another day; work a little harder, work another way. I ain't got no plan. We'll gloat on, maybe would you understand? The days get shorter and the nights get cold. I like the autumn, but this place is getting old. I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast. It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most. The days get longer and the nights smell green. I guess it's not surprising, but it's spring and I should leave. I like songs about drifters, books about the same. They both seem to make me feel a little insane. Walked on off to another spot; I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want. Did I want love? Did I need to know? Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow? The moths beat themselves to death against the lights, adding their breeze to the summer nights. Outsider, water like air was great. I didn't know what I had that day. Walk a little farther to another plan. You said that you did, but you didn't understand. I know that starting over is not what life's about, but my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth. 

I Can Feel You

I'm collecting your letters and putting them in a place that you don't know. And these winter words are the next big things. We'll put on a show. So if you leave, you cannot go. It's your key. I guess I'm not some woman's face down with a Mexican on the side of the road. And she said, "It's time for the strongest group of coolness to let go." So if I leave, will you come? So I dream if they really want. It's a firing squad. Before I slept on my mattress last night, I smelled your clothes. There were flakes of skin beside your hoodie; I put them up my nose. And I know these facts are just replacement as to not love and the blue eyed clubs still have some memberships, but we'll say no. So let's leave, then let's just go. It's a dream, a dream we'll know. They're a firing squad.

That's Two

Perhaps best known as an emblem of luck. When a ladybug lands on you, it is said your wish will come true. Asian traditions hold to the belief that if caught and then releases, the ladybug will faithfully fly to your true love and whisper your name in his ear. Upon hearing the ladybug's message, your true love will hurry his way to your side.

As a love symbol, this insect totem has been the subject of many wive's tales in which the number of spots on a Ladybug's back is said to indicate the number of months to pass before the wish for love comes true.

Character Count

I am staring at your name,

Knowing that mere miles away

You are doing the same that I am.

Like a cardinal in a nest of crows,

Your seven letters stand out

Amongst a sea of strangers,

Instantly recognizable.

How a name can bring pain,

And memories and happiness,

And fear:

One of life's greatest mysteries.

And nothing ever comes out of staring.

I watch the green light until it vanishes

Beyond my line of vision,

Each time believing it will be different than the last:

That the green will not fade,

That a bell will toll on two screens.

I enter the world of facade and paper mâché people

Just for a chance to see your name,

For a chance that you'll drop a word.

I am still waiting.

Still.

At this moment.

At this very moment.

Smothered

"Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now. Our song on the radio but it don't sound the same. When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down, because my heart breaks a little when I hear your name. Too young, too dumb to realize that I should have bought you flowers and held your hand. I should have gave you all my hours when I had the chance, or take you to every party because I know you like to dance. My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways caused a good strong woman like you to walk out of my life. Now I'll never, never get to clean up the mess I made and it haunts me every time I close my eyes. Although it hurts, I'll be the first to say that I was wrong. I know I'm probably much too late to try and apologize for my mistakes."

"Do you want a guy like that?"

"No, I don't like to dance."

"Everyone wants a guy like that."

"What, smothering?"

My Reflection

Under the water you scream so loud, but the silence surrounds you. But I hear it loud and you fall and you fall in the deep and I'll always find you. If my red eyes don't see you anymore and I can't hear you through the white noise, just send your heartbeat. I'll go to the blue ocean floor where they will find us no more. 20,000 weeks away, I'll catch up to you on the same day.

I don't want to lose you now. I'm looking right at the other half of me. The vacancy that sat in my heart is a space that now you hold. Show me how to fight for you now. I'll tell you, it was easy coming back into you once I figured it out. You were right here all along. It's like you're my mirror staring back at me.

It Will Never Be

Go away from my window; leave at your own chosen speed. I'm not the one you want, babe. I'm not the one you need. You say you're looking for someone who's never weak, but always strong, to protect you and defend you, whether you are right or wrong; someone to open each and every door, but it ain't me, babe. No, no, no. It ain't me you're looking for, babe. Go lightly from the ledge babe. Go lightly on the ground. I'm not the one you want, babe; I'll only let you down. You say you're looking for someone who'll promise never to part, someone to close her eyes to you, someone to close her heart. Someone to die for you and more, but it ain't me babe. You say you're looking for someone to pick you up each time you fall, to gather flowers constantly and to come each time you call, and will love you for your life and nothing more. But it ain't me, babe. No, no, no; It ain't me babe. It ain't me you're looking for, babe.

Take The Bite

The point of the story is, don't wait until a crow shits in your cereal. Eat the honey bunches in the first spoonful.

It's my birthday, I'll get high if I want to. I can't deny that I want you, but I'll lie if I have to.

I'm 18 now. So there. That's uh...that's about it. I forgot to make a wish when I blew out the candles, but I made one several at 11:11 so if it works at all, that should. 

But happy birthday, me. May I have many more, etc, etc...

Traces Of Hope

I thought I'd write, I thought I'd let you know, that the year since you've been gone I've finally let you go. And I hope you find some time to drop a note, but if you won't then you won't. And I will consider you gone. I know that you went straight to someone else, while I worked through all this shit here by myself. And I think that you should spend some time alone. But if you won't, then you won't. And I will consider you gone. I wake up in the night all alone and it's alright. The chemicals are wearing off since you've gone. The days go on, the lights go off and on. And nothing really matters when you're gone. If you think that you feel nothing at all, then you don't. If you won't, then you won't. And I will consider you gone.

To An Inconstant One

I loved thee once; I'll love no more-

Thine be the grief as is the blame.

Thou art not what thou wast before,

What reason I should be the same?

He that can love unloved again,

Hath better store of love than brain:

God send me love my debts to pay,

While unthrifts fool their love away!

Nothing could have my love o'erthrown

If thou hadst still continued mine;

Yea, if thou hadst remain'd thy own,

I might perchance have yet been thine.

But thou thy freedom didst recall

That it thou might elsewhere enthrall:

And then how could I bun disdain

A captive's captive to remain?

When new desires had conquered thee

And changed the object of thy will,

It had been lethargy in me,

Not constancy, to love thee still.

Yeah, it had been a sin to go

And prostitute affection so:

Since we are taught no prayers to say

To such as must to others pray.

Yet do thou glory in thy choice-

Thy choice of his good fortune boast;

I'll neither grieve nor yet rejoice

To see him gain what I have lost:

The height of my disdain shall be

To laugh at him, to blush for thee;

To love thee still, but go no more

A-begging at a beggar's door.

I For You

Sorting out letters and piles of my old canceled checks, old clippings, and yellow note cards that meant something once, I happened to find your picture. That picture. I stopped there cold, like a man raking piles of dead leaves in his yard who has turned up a severed hand. Still, that first second, I was glad: you stand just as you stood-shy, delicate, slender, in those familiar clothes. The sight of you stunned us all. Well, our needs were different then, and our ideals came easy. Then those two long years I carried this glimpse of you, there, to choke down my fear, prove it had been, that it might come back. That was before - before we drained out one another's force with lies, self-denial, unspoken regret, and the sick eyes that blame; before the treachery and, say it, before we met. Still, I put back your picture, Someday, in due course, I will find that it's still there.

Your absence has gone through me like thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its color.

Praying Like A Fool

"When I thought it'd all been done, when I thought it'd all been said: a little bit longer, and I'll be fine."

You don't even know. An old picture where you still are frozen in the innocent boy whose heart I captured and claimed as my own. And destroyed. I saw it and went back. I felt the old anxiousness and insecurity and curiosity. I felt your warm arms and a familiarly foreign jacket and burning lips and sweaty palms. I felt my heart leap at the lighting up of my phone screen and the jitters of knowing I would see you. I felt calm. I felt you. I can't claim that I know how I feel about you. I don't know anything. But I want the answers. And when I have them, I swear, I'll never ask the questions again. Even if I don't like the answers. Even if they absolutely break my heart. Life will, life does, go on.

For A Friend

When you're cold, I'll be there, holding you tight to me. When you're on the outside and you can't get in, I will show you you're so much better than you know. When you're lost and you're alone and you can't get back again, I will find you, darling, and I will bring you home. And if you want to cry, I am here to dry your eyes. And in no time, you'll be fine. When you're cold, I'll be there, holding you tight to me. When you're low, I'll be there by your side. You think I'd leave your side, baby? You know me better than that. You think I'd leave you down when you're down on your knees? I wouldn't do that. I'll tell you you're right when you want, and if only you could see into me.