You And Your Pep Talks

I just ask that you don't speak to me. Just stop speaking. You talk far too much.

When I get mad, I throw things. You made me mad. I threw something.

You all know how to make someone feel spectacular about themselves.

I'm mad as a hatter, thin as a dime. Or a mountain. Same difference.

I'm in transition. I will never forgive any of you. I wasn't wired to be able to forgive and forget. Just to remember and grudge.

I know where I want to go. Far from you.

"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity." -Edgar Allen Poe

Is anybody out there? Is anybody listening? Does anybody really know if it's the end of our beginning? A crush, a rush from one breath is all we're waiting for. Sometimes the one we're taking changes every one before. Sometimes we're holding angels and we never even know. Don't know if we'll make it, but we know we just can't let it show. It's everything you wanted; it's everything you don't. It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed. Some prayers find an answer; some prayers never know. We're holding on and letting go. I'm letting go.

The Road Less Traveled By

White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight. Clench a jaw, I've got another headache again tonight. Eyes on fire, and I burn from all the tears.

I'm not ready. There's too much to say goodbye to. And you. How could I ever?

"When faced with two choices, simply flip a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you, but because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for."

How am I supposed to choose? Too much pressure. Too much. It's too much. I can't. Like the pressure of the ocean, leagues and leagues below the surface. Dark and I can't make out anything. When I finally grab hold of something, I release it and frantically swim away, for fear that the unknown object will be my demise. I don't know how I got here. Or what I'm looking for. Or what I want. Or how I'm still breathing. But I am. And I can only assume that I am supposed to find something. And keep going.

Lady In Mourning

 She came forward, all in black, with a pale head, floating towards me in the dusk. She was in mourning. It was more than a year since his death, more than a year since the news came; she seemed as though she would remember and mourn forever. While we were shaking hands, such a look of awful desolation came upon her face that I perceived she was one of those creatures that are not the playthings of Time. For her he had died only yesterday. And the impression was so powerful that for me, too, he seemed to have died only yesterday- nay, this very minute. I saw her and him in the same instant of time- his death and her sorrow-I saw her sorrow in the very moment of his death. Do you understand? I saw them together- I heard them together. She had said, with a deep catch of the breath, "I have survived" while my strained ears seemed to hear distinctly, mingled with her tone of despairing regret, the summing up whisper of his eternal condemnation. 

"I have been very happy, very fortunate- very proud," she went on. "Too fortunate. Too happy for a little while. And now I am unhappy for- for life. And of all of this," she went on mournfully, "of all his promise, and of all his greatness, of his generous mind, of his noble heart- nothing remains- nothing but a memory. But I do not. I cannot- I cannot believe- not yet. I cannot believe that I shall never see him again, that nobody will see him again, never, never, never. Ah, but I believed in him more than anyone on earth- more than himself! He needed me! Me! I would have treasured every sigh, every word, every sign, every glance."

Lucid Dreaming

I'm a good friend and an excellent lover. I can fool myself just like no other person can. I'm turning into a twisted woman. I haven't got time for selfless deeds. What I do for you is indirectly for me. I'm a stubborn girl, there's nothing here that you can break or destroy. Then, as I count sheep in my bed, a train of worry pulls through my head. Last night I dreamt I died alone. Through all my talk of self-defeat, a fearful bomb ticks underneath. Last night I dreamt I died alone. From now I'll curb the cynical speaking; it seems that dream has sent the biggest chill through me. Someone once said I don't have any feelings. Well, I think that emotions can be misleading. And thinking back, I might have nailed the coffin shut with that. As I tend to cry in a room full of laughter, is the cheese finally sliding off of its cracker? I don't know. I'll just prepare myself to let it go. Last night I dreamt I died alone. From now I'll curb the cynical speaking; it seems that dream has sent the biggest chill through me. Last night I dreamt I died alone. And apart from when I lost my virginity, I've never been known to frighten easily.

To A Friend:

You didn't ask for this, nobody ever would. Caught in the middle of this dysfunction; it's your sad reality. It's your messed up family tree. And you're left with all these questions. Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was? Do you have to carry what they've handed down? No. This is not your legacy. This is not your destiny. Yesterday does not define you. No, this is not your legacy. This is not your meant to be. I can break the chains that bind you. I have a dream for you. It's better than where you've been. It's bigger than your imagination. You're gonna find real love and you're gonna hold your kids. You'll change the course of generations. Because you're my chosen. You are loved. And I will restore all that was broken. You are loved. And just like the seasons change, winter into spring, you're bringing new life to your family tree now. 

I'm Compelling You

Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? I believe we are meant to be, darling. I watch you when you are sleeping. Say my name shines through the rain. A whole life so lonely and then you come and ease the pain.

It's enough just to find love, it's the only thing to be sure of. So hard to let go of a thousand times or more. I was close to a fault line. Heaven knows you showed up in time. Was it real? Now I feel like I'm never coming down.

"I just have to say something. Probably the most selfish thing I'll ever say in my life. I just have to say it once. You just need to hear it. I love you. And it's because I love you that I can't be selfish with you. I can't keep doing this. I don't deserve you. I wish you didn't have to forget this. But you do."

I Think You're Full Of Shit

We used to look at the stars and confess our dreams, hold each other till the morning light. Baby, are you lonesome now?