So That No One Can Hurt You

I think I'm cool, but you're cooler than me. I act a fool when it's just you and me. Your friends ask, "Why do you bother?" I think I'm cute, but you're beautiful. I don't have a clue why you're seeing me at all. Your friends could find you someone so much hotter. I'm a mess, but this is messier. And you're the best at making me hurt. I do not know why I waste my time. And I was strong, but you made me weak. And how I long just to meet your needs. It was all so wrong; I couldn't get it right. You break me down; you build me up. You've had my heart enough. You break me down, you build me up, and darling that's not love. You could choose me or you'll lose me. Please, just take me. Oh, you break me cause I don't ever wanna be, second place is gonna be a problem if I have to be used. As a settlement for loving me, leaving oh-so-suddenly, surprised that I was waiting on you. Boy, old words, new song. Oh, I'm moving on.

And Then There's You

Today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you. By now, you should've somehow realized what you've gotta do. I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now. Backbeat, the word was on the street that the fire in your heart is out. I'm sure you've heard it all before but you never really had a doubt. I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now. Today was gonna be the day but they'll never throw it back to you. By now you should've somehow realized what you're not to do. I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now. And all the roads that lead you there were winding. And all the lights that light the way are blinding. There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don't know how. I said maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me. And after all, you're my wonderwall. You're gonna be the one that saves me.

Tried And True Timeline

Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure.

She began now to comprehend that he was exactly the man who, in disposition and talents, would most suit her. His understanding and temper, though unlike her own, would have answered all her wishes. It was a union that must have been to the advantage of both- by her ease and liveliness, his mind might have been softened, his manners improved; and from his judgment, information, and knowledge of the world, she must have received benefits of greater importance.

The color which had been driven from her face returned for half a minute with an additional glow, and a smile of delight added luster to her eyes, as she thought for that space of time that his affection and wishes must still be unshaken. But she would not be secure. "Let me first see how he behaves," said she, "it will then be early enough for expectation."

More thoughtfulness, and less anxiety to please when they last met, were plainly expressed. She was disappointed, and angry with herself for being so. "Could I expect it to be otherwise!" said she. "Yet why did he come?" She was in no humor for conversation with anyone but himself; and to him she had hardly courage to speak.

As soon as they were gone, Elizabeth walked out to recover her spirits; or in other words, to dwell without interruption on those subjects that must deaden them more. Mr. Darcy's behavior astonished and vexed her. "Why, if he came only to be silent, grave, and indifferent," said she, "did he come at all?" She could settle it in no way that gave her pleasure. "He could be still amiable, still pleasing to my uncle and aunt when he was in town; and why not to me? If he fears me, why come hither? If he no longer cares for me, why silent? Teasing, teasing man! I will think no more about him."

Darcy had walked away to another part of the room. She followed him with her eyes, envied everyone to whom he spoke, scarcely patience enough to help anybody to coffee, and then was enraged against herself for being so silly! "A man who has once been refused! How could I ever be foolish enough to expect a renewal of his love? Is there one among the sex who would not protest against such a weakness as a second proposal to the same woman? There is no indignity so abhorrent to their feelings!"

Elizabeth was much too embarrassed to say a word. After a short pause, her companion added, "You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections are unchanged, but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever."

"It taught me to hope," said he, "as I had scarcely ever allowed myself to hope before."

One Of The Many Destitute

They're gonna clean up your looks with all the lies in the books to make a citizen out of you. Because they sleep with a gun and keep an eye on you, son, so they can watch all the things you do. Because the drugs never work; they're gonna give you a smirk because they've got methods of keeping you clean. They're gonna rip up your heads, your aspirations to shreds: another cog in the murder machine. They said, "All teenagers scare the living shit out of me. They could care less as long as someone will bleed. So darken your clothes or strike a violent pose. Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me.The boys and girls in the clique, the awful names that they stick. You're never gonna fit in much, kid. But if you're troubled and hurt, what you got under your shirt will make them pay for the things that they did.

Deserted

I dig my toes into the sand; the ocean looks like a thousand diamonds strewn across a blue blanket. I lean against the wind, pretend that I am weightless. And in this moment I am happy. I wish you were here. I lay my head onto the sand. The sky resembles a backlit canopy with holes punched in it. I'm counting UFOs; I signal them with my lighter. And in this moment I am happy. I wish you were here. The world's a roller coaster and I am not strapped in. Maybe I should hold with care, but my hands are busy in the air saying, "I wish you were here."

For A Glance

So you think you can tell heaven from hell, blue skies from pain? Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail, smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell? And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts, hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze? Cold comfort for change? And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage? How I wish you were here. We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year, running over the same old ground. What have you found? The same old fears. Wish you were here.

Open Mic

I'd say this is probably less of a blog and a day to day thing, and more of song lyrics, quotes that I find inspiring or hit home with me, or just one of my rants. But I've never really opened up about my stance on some things. This is mainly because everyone who knows me knows my views, as I am hardly afraid to voice them. But sometimes I'm forced to hold my tongue so I don't come off as rude to the horribly ignorant. So right now, I'd just like to lay out how I feel about most issues today.

Religion

My grandfather is a hardcore Catholic, so naturally his daughters (one of them my mother) were all baptized, and I was as well. Unfortunately for him, the Catholic pull gene seems to have skipped a generation...or two. Even as a child when most kids would just accept that there is a hell and a God etc. etc., I couldn't quite figure out the logic. If God loves everyone so much, why the fuck would he send us to hell for practically everything? You read your horoscope? Yikes, straight to hell. You love a man and you're a man? Shocking. Hell, hell, hell. So then I decided I was an atheist (if my grandpa knew I felt this way he would have a heart attack). But I honestly don't know. So how about this. There may be a god, there may not. Either way, I think I'm a pretty decent person regardless. The existence of a deity has no effect on me whatsoever. The other day in religion class, I had to read something that explained how the media portrays today's evils, like racism, violence, and "the most dangerous of all, that denial of God's existence." I'm sorry. I didn't realize not believing in something that has been presented by the most corrupt of institutions is more dangerous than racism and violence. That really pissed me off. But again. I held my tongue. Once, a priest asked a girl a couple of years older than me who came first: God or her parents? She replied that her parents were the most important. The priest and the teachers were appalled and tried to beat into her head the opposite (to no avail). I agree with her. My parents raised me, loved me, held me as I cried. If there is a god, where the fuck were you?

Politics

Ah, politics. Another thing I disagree with my grandpa on. He's a, you guessed it, Republican. And I am, as he calls other people with my views, "a goddamn liberal asshole" (religion has taught him tolerance). My mom refuses to vote; she says Democrats and Republicans both lie. Fine. I hate America. But. I'll take the lesser of two evils. I hate Mitt Romney; Republicans don't even like him. He laughed about his past of bullying gays and lies. Republican views are stuck in the old ways of intolerance, ignorance, and basically hatred. My grandpa will literally argue with me that Obama has done nada, and that Michelle Obama is a bad person, and that my dad has brain washed me to be a Democrat. But I am incapable of being manipulated. I have heard my grandpa's views and they haven't rubbed off on me so that's saying something. And I'm more liberal than my father. So there. 

Gays

Hey! Another thing my grandpa hates. The gays. He uses a much more hate-filled word. Basically, it comes down to this. Society always needs someone to hate. Women, blacks, and now we've arrived at gays. At the end of the day, who cares? Love is love. I hate that some people deny them love because either their parents say it's wrong or because gays are "icky." What's worse? A married man and woman with children, the man beats the wife, the wife cheats on her husband, but they go to church every Sunday; or two happily married men, with an adopted son? The horrible thing is, my grandfather would say the latter. Let them love. I hate ignorance. If there is anything I will not tolerate, it is intolerance.

"I hate the word 'homophobia.' It's not a phobia. You are not scared. You are an asshole." 

-Morgan Freeman

Abortion

Everyone knows what the Catholic church thinks of this, but I'll tell you what I think, what I've always thought, even when I didn't think Catholicism was a hoax. If I got pregnant right now at 17, I would not hesitate. I cannot raise a child into a happy, supporting environment at this time in my life. I hate when Catholics say that even if you are raped, an abortion is still wrong. Ok. What woman would want a 9-month reminder of the most traumatic experience of her life? Shut the fuck up, it's not your decision. Go be a priest and molest little boys and don't worry about having to make that choice. It's for a woman to decide what to do with her body. Let. Us. Be.

Whew. So basically I'm an agnostic, gay-rights, pro-choice, women's-rights, ignorance-despising, goddamn liberal asshole. And proud of it.

It's Not Enough

I can love you from afar, but I don't think you are the same person when I am face to face with you. It's like walking on the shoreline and spotting what appears to be the most beautiful shell you've ever seen. When you finally can see it in full view, it's broken in half, it's dull, bland. Or sitting on the beach and gazing at the waves. They seem so beautiful and welcoming. And then you dive into the water and, when faced with the same waves, find yourself filled with terror. Surely this isn't the same sea I was just observing with calm serenity? Surely these aren't the same waters? But they are. And the waves crash upon you, unforgiving.

I am brittle. Well, parts of me are. You aren't exactly as innocent and good for me as I thought you were. You are horrible for me. You are a poison. My stomach churns, not in butterflies, but because my body is rejecting the venom that you are. But it's no use. I am addicted.

Only When You're Away

Cold and alone, it suits you well. May your feet serve you well, and the rest be sent to hell where they always have belonged.

From such a connection she could not wonder that he should shrink. The wish of procuring her regard, which she had assured herself of his feeling in Derbyshire, could not in ration expectation survive such a blow as this. She was humbled, she was grieved; she repented, though she hardly knew of what. She became jealous of his esteem, when she could no longer hope to be benefited by it. She wanted to hear of him, when there seemed the least chance of gaining intelligence. She was convinced that she could have been happy with him, when it was no longer likely they should meet.

Dementia

There was a shot in the dark; I was caught by surprise. There was a hole in my heart; there were tears in your eyes. And there was nothing to say because you made up your mind. So I guess what you meant to say when you left was goodbye. I felt a pain in my chest with your kiss on my cheek and as I try to digest the words I couldn't believe, I'm left with nothing to say with my heart on my sleeve, making it easy to hurt and even harder to breathe. So if you're gonna go and leave me in a lonely grave, I won't let it show until you've finally flown away. You gotta know that you tear me up when you say you wanna take it all away. You were the one and it was enough to be the one you were dreaming of. You were the one and we called it love and now you take it all away.

I Can't Trace Time

Strange fascination, fascinating me. Changes are taking the pace I'm going through. I still don't know what I was waiting for and my time was running wild. A million dead-end streets and every time I thought I'd got it made, it seemed the taste was not so sweet. So I turned myself to face me, but I've never caught a glimpse of how the others must see the faker. I'm much too fast to take that test. I watch the ripples change their size, but never leave the stream of warm impermanence. So the days float through my eyes, but still the days seem the same. And these children that you spit on, as they try to change their worlds, are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through.

Silence Is Endless

"Just because you don't say much doesn't mean people don't notice you. It's actually the quiet ones who often draw the most attention. There's this constant whirlwind of motion and sound all around, and then there's the quiet one, the eye of the storm."

It's a constant battle, but at the end of the day you can either focus on what's tearing you apart or what's holding you together.

A Shame We All Became Such Fragile, Broken Things

When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.

Is there a word for hating everyone around you? Is there a pill for cutting the demons out of your skin? Is there an institution for over-thinking? Is there a mirror for stone cold insecurity? Is there a therapy for the emptiness draining your soul? Is there a bandage for broken smiles? Is there a doctor for unseen insanity? Is there a scream for the ones who won't listen? Tell me, is there anybody out here?

Your Ex-Lover Is Dead

How terrible it is to love something that death can touch.

God, that was strange to see you again, introduced by a friend of a friend. I smiled and said, "Yes, I think we've met before." In that instant, it started to pour. Captured a taxi despite all the rain, we drove in silence across Pont Champlain. And all of the time you thought I was sad, I was trying to remember your name. This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin; tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in. Now you're outside me, you see all the beauty. Repent all your sin. It's nothing but time and a face that you lose. I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose. I'll write you a postcard; I'll send you the news from a house down the road, from real love. Live through this and you won't look back. There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave. You were what I wanted; I gave what I gave. I'm not sorry I met you. I'm not sorry it's over. I'm not sorry there's nothing to save.

And Then There's You.

You. That whisper in a sea of chaos. That beam of light at the end of an eerie tunnel. You. That familiar face in a crowd of strangers. That one ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. That sense of relief when waking from a frightening dream. You. That smile that turns up the corners of my lips for no reason at all. That first drop of rain that the clouds have threatened all day. A beautiful reason to live. A fantastic dream. A terrifying reality.

"Everything that I make, every step I take, every time I changed fate, you guided me. And when I can't walk, I don't forget our talks. I swear, I'll never forget you. And I try not to cry, but I can't be myself. I know this isn't right, so I had to say goodbye. But I won't give up on you, I would prefer to die. So when I look up to the sky, I always see your beautiful brown eyes. And remember us making love all night just like before."

In Case You've Forgotten Your Worth

How my thoughts, they spin me around. And how my thoughts, they let me down. How my dreams, they spin me around. And how my dreams, they let me down. And then there's you. How my love, it spins me around. And how my love, it's let me down. And then there's you. You know I know that you know. I've written it on myself, if you can't tell, with a melody that climbs and then falls without you. How my days, they spin me around. And how today it sets me down.

I'll Be There

Won't you let me give you a hand? I have an extra I'm not using. Won't you let me lighten your load? I mean, after all, your legs are shaking. And I can understand, all I need is your hand. Oh, won't you take the fall? It is me, after all. Won't you let me match your stride? I can slow down if you want to. We can handle it side by side. What do you say, boy, don't you want to? But won't you let me be your girl. I'm strong enough; you know that I can be the one to ease your mind. I'd be lying if I ran another way, and so I'll stay. There's not much that you can do to get me to run away from you.

It Comes And Goes In Waves

This one's for the lonely, the ones that seek and find, only to be let down time after time. This one's for the torn down, the experts at the fall. Come on, friends, get up now; you're not alone at all. This one's for the faithless, the ones that are surprised. They're only where they are now regardless of their fright. This one's for believing if only for its sake. Come on, friends, get up now, love is to be made. And this part was for him. Does he remember? It comes and goes in waves; I am led to wonder why I try. This is for the ones who stand, for the ones who try again, for the ones who need a hand, for the ones who think they can.

Grabbed Tight Before You Could Loosen Your Grip

Sweetness never suits me when I get up to take you home. Maybe it's love, love at first slightly drunk. Now I'm walking with the sun in my mouth. Worry is a well, going to let it fall tonight from where we stand. Sickness, weakness at the thought of how you're going to play. How long should I stay? Promises never cease to assist it; now I'm back on my back. Please, bite your words. Hurry to believe; I can always trust as much as you deceive. What's your middle? How do you play the game? I'll be the first to leave. When do I grow up? I don't want to say too much. I'll be the first to leave. What can't be decided, in the morning it will bring itself to you. What can't be decided can fool you into thinking maybe you can choose. I can see what's coming, but I'm not saying it.

Involuntary Glances

"I think I fall a little in love with people when I catch them in small moments, when they think no one's looking at them, when they absently twirl a strand of hair between their fingers, when they lick their thumb to turn a page in a book. There's something beautiful about a person who is lost in a thought, or adjusting their shirt, or is scratching a phantom itch on their arms, or even someone who is looking at someone else."

The Kind Of Kisses That Make Teeth Collide

To Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner he was scarcely a less interesting personage than to herself. They had long wished to see him. The suspicions which had just arisen of Mr. Darcy and their niece directed their observation towards each with an earnest, though guarded, inquiry and they soon drew from those inquiries the full conviction that one of them at least knew what it was to love. Of the lady's sensations they remained a little in doubt; but that the gentleman was overflowing with admiration was evident enough.

~

"I remember when we first knew her in Hertfordshire how amazed we all were to find that she was a reputed beauty; and I particularly recollect your saying, after they had been dining at Netherfield, 'She a beauty!-I should as soon call her mother a wit.' But afterwards she seemed to improve on you, and I believe you thought her rather pretty at one time."

"Yes," replied Darcy, who could contain himself no longer, "but that was only when I first knew her, for it is many months since I have considered her as one of the handsomest women of my acquaintance."

So Partial To You

She was now, on being settled at home, at leisure to observe the real state of her sister's spirits. Jane was not happy. She still cherished a very tender affection for Bingley. Having never even fancied herself in love before, her regard had all the warmth of first attachment, and from her age and disposition, greater steadiness than first attachments often boast; and so fervently did she value his remembrance, and prefer him to every other man, that all her good sense, and all her attention to the feelings of her friends, were requisite to check the indulgence of those regrets, which must have been injurious to her own health and their tranquility.

"Have you ever thought about how many people think about you? It's so bizarre. Imagine someone, out of the blue thinking of your face. Something happens and they remember you. Your favorite song, how you dress, the way you talk, the look in your eyes when you are happy. They remember that about you, even if you haven't seen each other in years. Everything in life is a reminder of a person, a place, or a moment."

Before You Change My Mind

I can't write my words when I don't have you. I can't sing my song when my strings won't tune. You won't believe me crying. I can't walk my path when I can't stay motivated. I can't play my part when it gets too complicated. You won't believe me, so you'll never see me. Give me a reason and I won't breakdown. And if that's all that you've got, you'd better not get caught. I've got more in store. I can't keep my beat when I don't have you. I can't shake my sins when you don't come through. How could you leave me just when you see me crying? And I can't feel low down when I don't have legs to stand on. I can't feel low down when there isn't any ground to land on. Don't look at me and act like you're just blind. How could you leave me? Now you'll never see me.

We All Have A Story

Senior year begins in less than two days and I'm feeling...impartial. I'm starting off the year with 30 extra dollars so should I write 30 things I want or 30 things that I will do? Might as well go big or go home. I have a strong belief in fate and the power of the mind. And basically what I want is the same as what I will achieve. Here goes it. Thirty things that I will cross off before the end of the year.

1. I will make lifelong friends.

2. I will write the most fantastic college application essays.

3. I will get into amazing schools, the schools I am meant to go to.

4. I will talk to Jeanette Taylor and sort out the mayhem that graces my head.

5. I will let 713 know how I feel...and not be worried about his response.

6. I will buy a stupid T-shirt for fun.

7. I will buy my parents a gift card to an amazing restaurant because they deserve it (Roy's?).

8. I will walk on the beach at night, alone, and love everything I see.

9. I will kiss someone.

10. I will jump into the pool, fully dressed, and not. give. a. fuck.

11. I will go to at least one school dance.

12. I will go to every football game that I can.

13. I will not say no or make excuses when people invite me places.

14. I will not let my grades consume me. 

15. I will make a pen holding thing in ceramics.

16. I will go one day without saying something bad about someone.

17. I will dance and sing my little heart out.

18. I will go a day without caring about what anyone thinks about me, for once.

19. I will look at everything around me and see the beauty.

20. I will let myself love someone.

21. I will take a break.

22. I will get my license. I'm gonna be one badass driver.

23. I will have a photo shoot.

24. I will open myself up to others.

25. I will let my stomach hurt from laughter.

26. I will get fit and healthy and looking good.

27. I will do something new with my hair.

28. I will splurge and pamper myself. Nails? New clothes? Why not?

29. I will get a new goddamn retainer.

30. I will name 5 things I love about myself. Once a month.

And You Say It Means Nothing

Remember how I said I'd come someday, baby? I said I'd try to find a way to run away; I'd get away someday. And I'm gonna come someday, baby. Hear you say, "I'm gonna fire on the water." Trying to find you again and say, "I never thought I'd see you again. I never thought I'd get to be with my best friend. I never thought I had to tell you again. I never thought I had to tell you how I lost my mind again." I left alone. I left the world I was running to be by your side. I was dying. Alone by your side, I was flying. I came alone; I've come a long way to get here. The leaves they fall to my feet at home. They mean nothing to me. Remember everywhere, everything is in this place. Take a place if you found a place to take. Take away the way you want to walk away. Make a way with my mind. Wake me up when I'm on the throw to paradise. Lift me off the ground and take me to the garden of paradise. And if you don't have anything nice to say, you can tell it while you take it to your grave. Wake me up when I'm on the throw to paradise. Lift me off the ground and take me to the garden of paradise. I left alone. I left the world I was running to be by your side. I was dying. Alone by your side, I was flying. I came alone; I've come a long way to get here.

Screaming Silence

Place your heart with anyone. Don't fear god or love. And you can say it's all my fault, baby. Taste the blood that's in your mouth. Take turns screaming back and forth. And there's nothing we can do; it's the last word. That's how the argument goes. Anger is a sure fire and it burns through our lives. Are you more than everyone? Do you fear god and love? And you can say it's all my fault, baby. Taste the blood that's in your mouth. Take turns screaming back and forth. And there's nothing we can do; it's the last word. That's how the argument goes.

Delicate Desires

Do you remember the day we built these paper mountains, and sat and watched them burn?

"It seems likely to have been a desirable match for Jane," said she, "I am sorry it went off. But these things happen so often! A young man, such as you describe Mr. Bingley so easily falls in love with a pretty girl for a few weeks, and when accident separates them, so easily forgets her that these sort of inconsistencies are very frequent."

Sold My Soul To An Unknowing Proprietor

"He's the first man that's really loved me. And that's a feeling that's hard to forget." "I know." ~You'll be mine.

"More than once did Elizabeth in her ramble within the park unexpectedly meet Mr. Darcy. She felt all the perverseness of the mischance that should bring him where no one else was brought; and to prevent its ever happening again, took care to inform him at first that it was a favourite haunt of hers. How it could occur a second time therefore was very odd! Yet it did, and even a third. It seemed like willful ill nature, or a voluntary penance, for on these occasions it was not merely a few formal inquiries and an awkward pause and then away, but he actually thought it necessary to turn back and walk with her..."

"After a silence of several minutes he came towards her in an agitated manner, and thus began, 'In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

Don't Let It Pass You By

"It's a little childish and stupid. But then again so is high school."

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

"They could be fascist anarchists. It still wouldn't change the fact that I don't have a car."

Patience Is Virtue

Well, I came home like a stone. And I fell heavy into your arms. These days of dust, wish we had known, will blow away with this new sun. But I'll kneel down, wait for now. I'll kneel down, know my ground. And I will wait for you. So break my step and relent. You forgave and I won't forget. Know what we've seen and him with less. Now in some way, shake the excess. I will wait for you. Now, I'll be bold as well as strong and use my head alongside my heart. So tame my flesh and fix my eyes, a tethered mind freed from the lies. Raise my hands. Paint my spirit gold. And bow my head; feel my heart slow. I will wait for you.

To My Comfort

I'll make this simple. I'm not the best with words. But thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I know what to do. I will listen to you. From the bottom of my heart, you have saved me. It's the most beautiful feeling in the world to know what my decision is. It is the calm before the storm. It is a ray of sun bursting through a sky of clouds. It is a fish's head plunging into the depths of a raging ocean to see that beauty and peace do exist, just below the surface. It is...happiness. Calm serenity. Thank you. I have some lovely unknowns looking out for me somewhere, and to you I owe everything.

Do Not Go Gentle

Pick it up, pick it all up and start again. You've got a second chance, you could go home. Escape it all. It's just irrelevant. It's just medicine. You could still be what you want to, what you said you were when I met you. You've got a warm heart. You've got a beautiful brain but it's disintegrating from all the medicine. You could still be what you want to, what you said you were when I met you.

Once More With Feeling

Wait, I'm lost. Oh Lord, I've been waiting for you. I'll pay any cost, just save me from being confused. Show me what I'm looking for.

I'm relying on you. You're all that I've got left.

A chariot and a bulldog.

You've tried my patience. Make your choice.

I'm trying.

For Eternity

Some things you can't go back to; some things need left alone. Don't mess with the memories of a life passed on. Oh, the tumbling reservations at the heart of my mistakes. Oh, some things you can't go back to because you let them slip away. I don't want to be a witness to a path that's overgrown. I don't want to see this house not be a home, because time has taken toll on what we couldn't see. No, I don't want to be a witness to the end of you and me. How am I going to make each moment better than the last? How am I going to make it better if I can't go back? Oh, the tumbling reservations at the heart of my mistakes. Oh, some things you can't go back to because you let them slip away. Oh, some things you can't go back to.

You And Your Pep Talks

I just ask that you don't speak to me. Just stop speaking. You talk far too much.

When I get mad, I throw things. You made me mad. I threw something.

You all know how to make someone feel spectacular about themselves.

I'm mad as a hatter, thin as a dime. Or a mountain. Same difference.

I'm in transition. I will never forgive any of you. I wasn't wired to be able to forgive and forget. Just to remember and grudge.

I know where I want to go. Far from you.

"I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity." -Edgar Allen Poe

Is anybody out there? Is anybody listening? Does anybody really know if it's the end of our beginning? A crush, a rush from one breath is all we're waiting for. Sometimes the one we're taking changes every one before. Sometimes we're holding angels and we never even know. Don't know if we'll make it, but we know we just can't let it show. It's everything you wanted; it's everything you don't. It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed. Some prayers find an answer; some prayers never know. We're holding on and letting go. I'm letting go.

The Road Less Traveled By

White knuckles and sweaty palms from hanging on too tight. Clench a jaw, I've got another headache again tonight. Eyes on fire, and I burn from all the tears.

I'm not ready. There's too much to say goodbye to. And you. How could I ever?

"When faced with two choices, simply flip a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you, but because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for."

How am I supposed to choose? Too much pressure. Too much. It's too much. I can't. Like the pressure of the ocean, leagues and leagues below the surface. Dark and I can't make out anything. When I finally grab hold of something, I release it and frantically swim away, for fear that the unknown object will be my demise. I don't know how I got here. Or what I'm looking for. Or what I want. Or how I'm still breathing. But I am. And I can only assume that I am supposed to find something. And keep going.

Lady In Mourning

 She came forward, all in black, with a pale head, floating towards me in the dusk. She was in mourning. It was more than a year since his death, more than a year since the news came; she seemed as though she would remember and mourn forever. While we were shaking hands, such a look of awful desolation came upon her face that I perceived she was one of those creatures that are not the playthings of Time. For her he had died only yesterday. And the impression was so powerful that for me, too, he seemed to have died only yesterday- nay, this very minute. I saw her and him in the same instant of time- his death and her sorrow-I saw her sorrow in the very moment of his death. Do you understand? I saw them together- I heard them together. She had said, with a deep catch of the breath, "I have survived" while my strained ears seemed to hear distinctly, mingled with her tone of despairing regret, the summing up whisper of his eternal condemnation. 

"I have been very happy, very fortunate- very proud," she went on. "Too fortunate. Too happy for a little while. And now I am unhappy for- for life. And of all of this," she went on mournfully, "of all his promise, and of all his greatness, of his generous mind, of his noble heart- nothing remains- nothing but a memory. But I do not. I cannot- I cannot believe- not yet. I cannot believe that I shall never see him again, that nobody will see him again, never, never, never. Ah, but I believed in him more than anyone on earth- more than himself! He needed me! Me! I would have treasured every sigh, every word, every sign, every glance."

Lucid Dreaming

I'm a good friend and an excellent lover. I can fool myself just like no other person can. I'm turning into a twisted woman. I haven't got time for selfless deeds. What I do for you is indirectly for me. I'm a stubborn girl, there's nothing here that you can break or destroy. Then, as I count sheep in my bed, a train of worry pulls through my head. Last night I dreamt I died alone. Through all my talk of self-defeat, a fearful bomb ticks underneath. Last night I dreamt I died alone. From now I'll curb the cynical speaking; it seems that dream has sent the biggest chill through me. Someone once said I don't have any feelings. Well, I think that emotions can be misleading. And thinking back, I might have nailed the coffin shut with that. As I tend to cry in a room full of laughter, is the cheese finally sliding off of its cracker? I don't know. I'll just prepare myself to let it go. Last night I dreamt I died alone. From now I'll curb the cynical speaking; it seems that dream has sent the biggest chill through me. Last night I dreamt I died alone. And apart from when I lost my virginity, I've never been known to frighten easily.

To A Friend:

You didn't ask for this, nobody ever would. Caught in the middle of this dysfunction; it's your sad reality. It's your messed up family tree. And you're left with all these questions. Are you gonna be like your father was and his father was? Do you have to carry what they've handed down? No. This is not your legacy. This is not your destiny. Yesterday does not define you. No, this is not your legacy. This is not your meant to be. I can break the chains that bind you. I have a dream for you. It's better than where you've been. It's bigger than your imagination. You're gonna find real love and you're gonna hold your kids. You'll change the course of generations. Because you're my chosen. You are loved. And I will restore all that was broken. You are loved. And just like the seasons change, winter into spring, you're bringing new life to your family tree now. 

I'm Compelling You

Do you understand? Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? I believe we are meant to be, darling. I watch you when you are sleeping. Say my name shines through the rain. A whole life so lonely and then you come and ease the pain.

It's enough just to find love, it's the only thing to be sure of. So hard to let go of a thousand times or more. I was close to a fault line. Heaven knows you showed up in time. Was it real? Now I feel like I'm never coming down.

"I just have to say something. Probably the most selfish thing I'll ever say in my life. I just have to say it once. You just need to hear it. I love you. And it's because I love you that I can't be selfish with you. I can't keep doing this. I don't deserve you. I wish you didn't have to forget this. But you do."