It's Hell Not Having You Here

Happy Halloween.

I hate Halloween. I like scary movies and I like a little bit of fear every now and then, but not alone. Not alone. I miss you so much. They asked why I don't just make a move and I seriously couldn't even give an answer. I don't know why. I couldn't really say that I am afraid you don't like me, because I feel that you do. I can't say I'm afraid of rejection because I know you wouldn't. I have no idea of what I am afraid of. This holiday just reminds me that I have everything and nothing to be frightened of!

I know for a fact that I love you more than a human can bear. I can't even explain to you how painful it would be to see you with someone else. Or to catch up with you in 10 years and find you happily married. How selfish of me. But it would absolutely shatter me, even if I have someone of my own. It's not a cute little lovey dovey feeling, it is a constant and ever-present love, a desire that dwells from my toes up to my eyes to be with you. It is an enduring heartache and stomachache whenever I fear the worst. If my love for you had to be heard, it would be a wail, an agonizing cry, a giggle, the happiest laugh. If it had to be seen, it would be a grin, a river of tears, and a grimace. If it had to be felt, it would be a burn by a flame constantly pressed against your chest, a knife blade repeatedly thrust at your wrist, and a warm, gentle caress from the most beautiful of arms.

It's hell not having you here, but I won't bring you down with me.

Don't Play Innocent

Pick apart the pieces of your heart and let me peer inside. Let me in where only your thought have been. Let me occupy your mind, as you do mine. Your heart's a mess; you won't admit to it. It makes no sense, but I'm desperate to connect. You can't live like this. You have lost too much love to fear, doubt, and distrust; it's not enough. You just threw away the key to your heart. You don't get burned because nothing gets through. It makes it easier on you, but that much more difficult for me to make you see that love ain't fair. So there you are, my love. Love ain't safe. You won't get hurt if you stay chaste. So you can wait, but I don't want to waste my love.

What Do You Want?

"Well, what's your type? What was he like?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why did you like him?"

"I...I don't know."

"You don't know? How can you not know?"

"I couldn't tell you what made me like him. I mean, he's nice, and sweet, and really cute, but...that's not what made me like him."

"Well, what was?"

"Everything."

"Nothing here has worked out quite as I expected." "Most things don't. But sometimes what happens instead is the good stuff."

Every time I look back, I realize that there was no definite characteristic or moment that made me want you. It just happened. The feeling came out of nowhere, bit me, and shocked me with its strength. You later said that you liked me from the very first moment you talked to me. Whether that's true or not, I have no idea. But I did notice little things, like you paying attention to every word I said, the insignificant things. Some random girl asked me if I shave my legs and I pretended not to understand what she was saying because I noticed you staring and listening and I thought it was an embarrassing thing to say. Or when she asked me if I had had a boyfriend before and you turned around to listen. It puzzled me, but I thought nothing of it. I didn't like you. Not at all. In fact, you weren't even on my radar. We walked past you one day and she said, "He's the popular guy. The one every girl likes." I didn't see what was so fantastic. You looked pretty average to me. Which goes to show, even I can be wrong.

I thought that other boy was cute. We'll call him...Mike. I remember I went to Disneyland with my cousins and "James" said, "Guess what? Mike and him like you." I shrugged my shoulders and said, "How come the guys that I don't like always like me?" He laughed and said he was kidding. But when he said that, I got butterflies. But not for you! For Mike! Foolish.

Anyways. Once he told me that you actually did like me and other people told me as well, I believed it. It was obvious. And in that moment, I liked you, too. It's like my heart subconsciously waited for your confirmation, as I still wait for you today. You and your crazy spiked hair, sheepish smile, and somewhat dorky sense of humor suddenly intrigued me. 

And then I heard that your old crush, "Britney," asked you out. And I heard that you said you would think about it. I didn't really understand why I cared so much that she had the nerve to ask you, or why I smiled when I heard that you ultimately told her no. But I did. Oh, how I did.

She texted me and said that you were playing soccer and you said each goal was for me. And then that you said you loved me. That was the first time. I said, "Tell him I love him, too." And she said, "Really? Wow."

Fast forward.

One year later, I ended our "relationship." I felt relieved. One day later, I watched you play soccer from the bleachers and I regretted it. They asked me, "Do you still like him?" I would say, "I don't know. I think so, but I don't know." Liar. I knew.

Fast forward.

It's Halloween and I knew for sure. That little, irritating, arrogant, say, Kia, was talking to me about you. Going on and on about how she thought you liked her. How she explained to her mom how you acted with her and she said you definitely liked her. I stayed quiet and said I didn't know when she asked me what I thought. But I can't even explain how infuriated I was at the thought. I knew jealousy, but not like that. Not in such extreme, severe amounts. Not where I could've punched her in the face and walked away with a skip in my step. I ran into you in the haunted house and we exchanged a few words, insignificant, but I still remember each and every one, and that was all. But I loved it.

Fast forward.

April 1, 2009. We were back together. And it was a secret from him for about 3 hours until he saw us hugging.

Fast forward.

May. We had our first kiss. And it was short and awkward and sweet and ended in a hug, and my lips were burning.

June. Graduation trip at Disneyland. We went on the haunted house together. You put your arm around me and kissed me. Right by the rattling doors. And our teeth bumped. I still cringe at the thought of that.

School was about to end and we were in the classroom together and you hugged me and said, "I'm really going to miss you."

People told me things. And I listened to their useless opinions. Why did I listen? Why?

"Are you going to break up with me?"

"I don't know."

"Please don't"

And I did.

And it hurt you. And your pain was my pain. And I regretted it.

Fast forward.

That summer. My favorite of our time together. James, my sister, her friend, your foreign cousin, you, and I all went to the Americana together. We hadn't talked but I still liked you and you still liked me.

I went to In-n-Out with my sister and her friend while you and James and your cousin did whatever, when I got a text. She said, "He wants to meet up with you. He borrowed a stranger's phone to call me." So I walked by myself to Urban Outfitters. I walked up the stairs and saw you standing there. I walked up to you and they teased us, but we talked and talked. You talked about being self-conscious of your ears and we passed Coffee Bean and they were following us and we were laughing. And we sat down outside that little restaurant, and I could still pick out the table and the seats we occupied. We left and you were happy.

And we all went to see a movie a few weeks later. Transformers. And you held your hand out to me and I didn't want James to know, so I said no. And you were hurt. And I should have just fucking grabbed hold.

I went to your house and I was inside with everyone and you were outside with...Red. And Red came in and told me to come outside. I told my sister to come too and he said, "No. Just you." So I went and you were there and we sat and talked. And you asked me who I liked and I said, "You first." And you said, "Megan Fox." And I said, "Taylor Lautner." And you looked nervous and said, "Who's that?" I laughed and told you it was an actor. You gave me your jacket and it was warm. We held hands up your street until they came. They had been looking for us. It was the funniest thing...My phone didn't get any of their texts or calls.

Fast forward.

September, freshman year. We went to a football game and we walked up the hill. And talked. And kissed. And I loved you so much. You don't even know.

Fast forward.

We hadn't talked for a while and you ended it. I remember I listened to "Doesn't Mean Anything" by Alicia Keys and basically forced myself to cry.

Fast forward.

December, freshman year. I saw you, we talked, you said you felt the same, that's it.

Fast forward.

May, freshman year. I saw you, we talked, you said you felt the same, that's it.

Fast forward.

Sophomore year. I heard from you the least. It hurt. I met new guys but I measured them to you.

Fast forward.

December, junior year. You talked to me. You talked to me a lot. We kept talking.

April, junior year. You flirted. Made it completely clear.

Summer. Still texting, talking, flirting.

And now senior year.

I saw you and you sent messages and now I don't know. I do know that I just spent about an hour writing out a timeline about you. I can't forget even a single word, and these moments still make me smile and cringe.

I miss you.

"There is no past that we can bring back by longing for it, only a present that builds and creates itself as the past withdraws."

You're My Every Weakness

I bet this time of night you're still up. I bet you're tired from a long hard week. I bet you're sitting in your chair by the window, looking out at the city. And I bet sometimes you wonder about me. And I just want to tell you, it takes everything in me not to call you. And I wish I could run to you. And I hope you know every time I don't, I almost do. I bet you think I either moved on or hate you, because each time you reach out, there's no reply. I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye.

We made quite a mess. It's probably better this way. And I confess, in my dreams, you're touching my face and asking me if I want to try again with you. And I almost do.

Hope Against Hope

I walked through the door with you; the air was cold but something about it felt like home somehow. And I left my scarf there at your sister's house and you still got it in your drawer, even now. Your sweet disposition and my wide-eyed gaze. We're singing in the car, getting lost upstate, autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place. And I can picture it after all these days. And I know it's long gone and the magic isn't here anymore and I might be okay, but I'm not fine at all. Because there we are again on that little town street, you almost ran the red because you were looking over me, wind in my hair. I was there, I remember it all too well. Photo album on the counter, your cheeks were turning red. You tell me about your past, thinking your future was me. And I know it's long gone and there's nothing else I could do. And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to. And maybe we got lost in translation; maybe I asked for too much. But maybe this thing was a masterpiece until you tore it up, running scared, I was there. I remember it all too well. And you call me up again just to break me like a promise, so casually cruel in the name of being honest. Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it. I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it. But you keep my old scarf from that very first week, because it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me. You can't get rid of it because you remember it all too well. Because there we are again, when I loved you so, back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known.

Run, Run, RUN!

"I saw my life flash before my eyes! - it was really boring."

Fine. I'll do it. I've never been one for patience. It's practically impossible for me. So I'll do it. Just give me a second.

The Cons Of Me

It's strange how much of an effect people have on me. One word or action could completely change my mood and leave me feeling absolutely worthless. It's the worst feeling in the world to feel like you're going to burst into tears or like you're just so damn sad and you can't quite say why.

"I'm just feeling sad."

And when you can't see the screen because your vision is blurring. Or when someone asks you a question or talks to you and you feel like responding will break the dam. So you answer with one word and you struggle so hard to keep from crumbling. And you pray no one will see though your facade, but you're begging someone to notice. It's confusing and it's painful. I can't even understand the feeling. But it's more than confusion, as you wonder why you can't even force a smile anymore. More than pain, as a word leaves you breathless as if you've been punched. More than depression, as you cry out, begging someone to notice. And nobody does.

Rings

"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you." -Friedrich Nietzsche

It's hard to imagine a world in which it isn't completely obvious how I feel about you. But I guess that is how you feel. I know that I would do anything to be with you. I know that you're the only boy who I could even think about loving. And I have heard that you feel the same. I'm sorry I hurt you when I was the one person you thought never would. I'm sorry that when you begged me, "Please, don't" that I hardly even responded and did anyways. Stupid girl. Stupid. How was I to know exactly what you are to me and what you mean? You are everything in nothing. You are beauty in plainness. You are strength in weakness. And you can't see it, but I can see it so damn clearly that it is astonishing that you don't. I promise, I could never hurt you again. I know too much and nothing at all. I will make this work. I have to. I know that you will reach out, but the question is when? We don't have much time. When I'm gone, there will be no chance at all. I will not wonder about you when I'm gone if you aren't mine by the time I go. I can't. It's not fair to myself or to you. So I have to let you go. Or grab hold of you. I know which is easiest. I know which one I want. And I know which one is painful and absolutely impossible to endure. You don't make it very easy, but that's okay. I still love you for all you are.

Your Protector

Don't talk; don't say a thing, because your eyes, they tell me more than your words. Don't go; don't leave me now, because they say the best way out is through. And I am short on words, knowing what's occurred. He begins to leave because of me. I know you're leaving now because I held on to my way tightly. Stay still until you know tomorrow finds the best way out is through. His bag is now much heavier; I wish that I could carry him. But this is our ungodly hour.

Does My Name Churn Your Stomach?

All I knew this morning when I woke is I know something now I didn't before. And all I've seen since 18 hours ago is brown eyes and your smile in the back of my mind, making me feel right. I just want to know you better now. And all my walls stood tall, painted blue. But I'll take them down and open up the door for you. And all I feel in my stomach is butterflies, the beautiful kind, making up for lost time, taking flight, making me feel right. Come back and tell me why I'm feeling like I've missed you all this time. Meet me here tonight and let me know that it's not all in my mind. I just want to know you better now. Because all I know is we said hello, and your eyes look like coming home. All I know is a simple name; everything has changed. All I know is we held the door. You'll be mind and I'll be yours. All I know since yesterday is everything has changed. All I know is we said hello, so dust off your highest hopes. All I know is pouring rain and everything has changed. All I know is a newfound brightness. 

All my days, I'll know your face. 

All I know since yesterday is everything has changed.

This Could Be The End

I tried to forget you, (truly, I did, my dear), but you grew like weeds around my soul, entwining with my veins and invading my dreams. Like a parasite you latched onto me and sucked away at everything I once was.

Stripped to the waist, we fall into the river. Cover your eyes so you don't know the secret I've been trying to hide. We held our breath to see our names are written on the wreck on '86. That was the year I knew the panic was over. Since we found out anything could happen.

After the war, we said we'd fight together; I guess we thought that's just what humans do. Letting darkness grow, as if we need its palette and we need its color. But now I've seen it through and now I know the truth.

I'll give you everything you need, but I don't think I need you.

But I Will Be

"What does it all mean, and if it means anything to anybody, how come it means nothing to me? To be hustled, and jostled, and moved on; and really to feel that it would appear to be perfectly true that I have no business here, or there, or anywhere; and yet to be perplexed by the consideration that I am here somehow, too, and everybody overlooked me until I became the creature that I am!"

I met an old man dying on a train. No more destination; no more pain. He said, "One thing before I graduate, never let fear decide your fate." Kill your heroes. No need to worry because everybody will die. Don't you worry, we love you more than you know. The sun one day will leave us all behind, unexplainable sightings in the sky. I hate to be the one to ruin the night right before your eyes.

The Monsters Embedded In My Mind

It's been years now since anything could hurt me. Liar.

Like last night, they are not like tremors; they are worse than tremors. There are these terrors. And it feels like somebody was gripping my throat and squeezing.

Some say, now suffer all the children and walk away a savior, or a madman and polluted from gutter institutions. Don't you breathe for me, undeserving of your sympathy because there is no way that I'm sorry for what I did. And through it all, how could you cry for me? Because I don't feel bad about it. So shut your eyes, kiss me goodbye, and sleep. The hardest part is letting go of your dreams.

A drink for the horror that I'm in, for the good guys and the bad guys, for the monsters that I've been. Three cheers for tyranny, unapologetic apathy. There isn't any way that I'm coming back again.

The hardest part is the awful things that I've seen.

"Sometimes I see flames...and sometimes I see people that I love dying...and it's always..."

Just sleep. Just sleep. Just sleep.

Wake up. Wake the fuck up.

"And I can't...I can't ever wake up..."

Don't Pay Any Mind

"I DON'T CARE! I'VE HAD ENOUGH, I'VE SEEN ENOUGH, I WANT OUT, I WANT IT TO END, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!

"You do care. You care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it."

The Cure

She talked about the armies that marched inside her head, and how they made her dreams go bad. But, oh, how happy she was, how proud she was, to be fighting in the war in the empty world.

She used to just stand there and stare and roll her eyes right up to heaven and make like he just wasn't there.

But how many times can I walk away and wish "If only..."? But how many times can I talk this way and wish "If only..."? Keep on making the same mistake; keep on aching the same heartbreak. I wish "If only...", but "If only..." is a wish too late.

Losing Faith

 What is our generation? Who can treat someone like they have absolutely no emotions? And worse, who can stand in a crowd and watch this senseless beating of a 15 year old girl and be okay with it? What kind of human can watch it happening and not step in, not at least TRY to help? They all acted as if they had never made a mistake in their life. She needed somebody. Anybody. And no one stepped in. I hate it. I hate them. It isn't fair. She could have been something. She could have met someone who loved her and made her feel worthwhile! And they never gave her that chance. I'm sorry, Amanda. I'm so fucking sorry for them. I hate what they did to you. I hate what you did to yourself. I hope you're finally smiling. No more tears, little girl. No more. They have to live with this the rest of their lives. And I promise you, they will never be half the person that you were. I don't care if you flashed, I don't care if you had sex with someone you thought liked you. You were in a dark place and that boy is a piece of shit for doing what he did. I hope you can be happy, Amanda. Your life can't have been for nothing. You'll be back. You'll be back and you'll make a difference. I am sorry. I wish I could have known you. Your story has made me realize that if I ever witness this, ever see someone being treated like they're nothing, I WILL step in. Sleep well, hun. Doze off and wake in a field of flowers. You won't be alone. You will never be alone again. That I can promise.

To Hurt You As You Did Me

If you would change your mind, I'd really love to break your heart.

We live in a world of worst-case scenarios. We cut ourselves off from hoping for the best because, too many times, the best doesn't happen. But, every now and then, something extraordinary occurs. Then suddenly best-case scenarios seems possible and something amazing happens and against our better judgment, we start to hope.

It's amazing. Some people, they just say these small little things, one sentence and it changed the way you feel about them in an instant. Small little words that can hurt you so much or make you fall deeply in love forever. It changes everything; nothing between you is every really the same again, even if they don't know it, it still happens.

To Grieve Without A Death

Jesus fucking Christ. Well, did you find what you were looking for? Are you happy now? Do you feel so much better? Do you hurt? That's what you get. That's what you get.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. No words. Ouch.

You're just as desperate as the rest of them. You don't like me. You don't care for me. You're just bored. Bored.

But, fuck! So am I! Do you have any idea how many guys have thrown themselves at me? Do you realize that there is currently a guy that really likes me for ME and I push him away? Can you possibly comprehend that, after all this time, I still care about you and it hurts so fucking bad to see this? DO YOU FUCKING SEE? I could have been with W, F, N, A, R, D, C...And I didn't. For you. And it's so goddamn ironic because you don't even want me! How's that for fucking karma?

And they all say that you care and you like me and you would have left if you didn't and you're still shy and it's so cute and blah blah fucking blah, but they are all wrong. Because I fucking snooped. And I knew I would regret it. But I couldn't fucking help it.

I thought guessing what it was was fate, that I would find out an answer, but I also knew not so deep down what I would find. You seemed cocky, arrogant, annoying, and like a total fucking douche bag  You were everything I hate. And then you were desperate and pushy and relentless. And I've been through that. The only difference is I didn't let myself succumb to pressure from a fucking guy. Am I pissed? I don't know.

And the absolute worst part of all of this??? Tomorrow, when I go to your house, I'll watch you out of the corner of my eye, be so painfully aware of how close you are, and get the mother fucking butterflies when you smile or speak or hug me! What the fuck is wrong with me?!? Am I just as stupid as every other fucking teenage girl? So quick to believe the best in someone and so willing to throw away evidence, so plain and logical, to preserve your fucking image?

And then I think, "Well, fuck him. I'll just get with him. That will show you. I'll move on." But I still don't fucking want to! God damnit! Why did I ever have to meet you? No.

Why did you start liking me? Why? Why did you show any interest at all? Before you liked me, I never thought twice about you. And now you've fucked me up. You loved me too much and now you're older and you've lost it. You've lost everything. If you could love me back then with braces and horrible hair and thick eyebrows and no makeup and no fucking chest to speak of, why can't you love me now?

Not a fucking day goes by that I don't think about you and it hurts and you don't care.

I don't want this. I don't want this. But I want you. But I don't want to. And I hurt. And I hate you so fucking much right now. And I love you. And I'll smile at you tomorrow. And if you talk to me, I'll talk to you. And if you hug me, I'll hug you back. And I'll be dying on the inside and my fucking brain will tell me to pull away and to ignore you but my arms won't listen and loosen their grip and my lips won't listen and turn their corners down. I'll pretend I'm perfectly fine. I'll pretend. And pretend. And pretend. For you. Do you see how fucking horrible that is?

Why Deny It?

"You were the first boy who made me feel loved and sexy and visible. You are my first love...and I want more than anything for you to be my last. But I can't do this anymore...at least now now."

"I don't have anyone anymore."

"You have you. And as far as I'm concerned, there's no one better."

"If there's a prize for rotten judgment, I guess I've already won that. No man is worth the aggravation, that's ancient history, been there, done that."

"Who do you think you're kidding? He's the Earth and heaven to you. Try to keep it hidden, honey, we can see right through you. Girl, you can't conceal it. We know how you feel and who you're thinking of."

"No chance, no way. I won't say it, no."

"You swoon, you sigh. Why deny it?"

"It's too cliche. I won't say I'm in love. I thought my heart had learned its lesson; it feels so good when you start out. My head is screaming, 'Get a grip, girl," unless you're dying to cry your heart out."

"You keep on denying who you are and how you're feeling. Baby, we're not buying, hon, we say you hit the ceiling. Face it like a grown-up; when are you gonna own up that you've got it bad?"

"No chance. No way. I won't say it."

"Give up. Give in. Check the grin, you're in love."

"This scene won't play, I won't say I'm in love."

"You're doing flips, read our lips: you're in love."

"You're way off base, I won't say it. Get off my case, I won't say it."

"Girl, don't be proud. It's okay, you're in love."

"At least out loud, I won't say I'm in love."

Everything You Are To Me

"It's my last big breath, what do you want me to do?"

Loving him is like driving a new Maserati down a dead end street: faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly. Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you're already flying through the free fall, like the colors in autumn so bright just before they lose it all. Touching him was like realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you. Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song. Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer. Regretting him was like wishing you never found out that love could be that strong. Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes. Tell myself it's time now, gotta let go. But moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head in burning red. Losing him was blue, like I'd never known. Missing him was dark gray, all alone. Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you've never met. But loving him was red. And that's why he's spinning around in my head, coming back to me in burning red.

No Idea I'm Even Here

I've got to go, time to spread my wings and fly higher than the blue sky. Never did me any good waiting around; only so much that my heart can take. It doesn't matter what you say wishing for all we could have been. I've got to stay as far away as I can get, because a part of me hasn't left. If I get too close, you're gonna pull me back into thinking everything you said was true. But the ring around my finger proved that I was your girl, but in the end it wasn't what you wanted. Just so you know, I never thought to let you go. I don't even know the truth. Just so you know, I never thought you'd let me go.We were fine, then all at once you changed your mind. And I was gonna marry you. Take all the words you've spoken and the promises you've broken, and throw them all into the ocean. Just let it be. And late at night, when you're lying in your bed alone, wishing you were still at home, but we both know it's too late.