It's Hell Not Having You Here

Happy Halloween.

I hate Halloween. I like scary movies and I like a little bit of fear every now and then, but not alone. Not alone. I miss you so much. They asked why I don't just make a move and I seriously couldn't even give an answer. I don't know why. I couldn't really say that I am afraid you don't like me, because I feel that you do. I can't say I'm afraid of rejection because I know you wouldn't. I have no idea of what I am afraid of. This holiday just reminds me that I have everything and nothing to be frightened of!

I know for a fact that I love you more than a human can bear. I can't even explain to you how painful it would be to see you with someone else. Or to catch up with you in 10 years and find you happily married. How selfish of me. But it would absolutely shatter me, even if I have someone of my own. It's not a cute little lovey dovey feeling, it is a constant and ever-present love, a desire that dwells from my toes up to my eyes to be with you. It is an enduring heartache and stomachache whenever I fear the worst. If my love for you had to be heard, it would be a wail, an agonizing cry, a giggle, the happiest laugh. If it had to be seen, it would be a grin, a river of tears, and a grimace. If it had to be felt, it would be a burn by a flame constantly pressed against your chest, a knife blade repeatedly thrust at your wrist, and a warm, gentle caress from the most beautiful of arms.

It's hell not having you here, but I won't bring you down with me.