What Do You Want?

"Well, what's your type? What was he like?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why did you like him?"

"I...I don't know."

"You don't know? How can you not know?"

"I couldn't tell you what made me like him. I mean, he's nice, and sweet, and really cute, but...that's not what made me like him."

"Well, what was?"

"Everything."

"Nothing here has worked out quite as I expected." "Most things don't. But sometimes what happens instead is the good stuff."

Every time I look back, I realize that there was no definite characteristic or moment that made me want you. It just happened. The feeling came out of nowhere, bit me, and shocked me with its strength. You later said that you liked me from the very first moment you talked to me. Whether that's true or not, I have no idea. But I did notice little things, like you paying attention to every word I said, the insignificant things. Some random girl asked me if I shave my legs and I pretended not to understand what she was saying because I noticed you staring and listening and I thought it was an embarrassing thing to say. Or when she asked me if I had had a boyfriend before and you turned around to listen. It puzzled me, but I thought nothing of it. I didn't like you. Not at all. In fact, you weren't even on my radar. We walked past you one day and she said, "He's the popular guy. The one every girl likes." I didn't see what was so fantastic. You looked pretty average to me. Which goes to show, even I can be wrong.

I thought that other boy was cute. We'll call him...Mike. I remember I went to Disneyland with my cousins and "James" said, "Guess what? Mike and him like you." I shrugged my shoulders and said, "How come the guys that I don't like always like me?" He laughed and said he was kidding. But when he said that, I got butterflies. But not for you! For Mike! Foolish.

Anyways. Once he told me that you actually did like me and other people told me as well, I believed it. It was obvious. And in that moment, I liked you, too. It's like my heart subconsciously waited for your confirmation, as I still wait for you today. You and your crazy spiked hair, sheepish smile, and somewhat dorky sense of humor suddenly intrigued me. 

And then I heard that your old crush, "Britney," asked you out. And I heard that you said you would think about it. I didn't really understand why I cared so much that she had the nerve to ask you, or why I smiled when I heard that you ultimately told her no. But I did. Oh, how I did.

She texted me and said that you were playing soccer and you said each goal was for me. And then that you said you loved me. That was the first time. I said, "Tell him I love him, too." And she said, "Really? Wow."

Fast forward.

One year later, I ended our "relationship." I felt relieved. One day later, I watched you play soccer from the bleachers and I regretted it. They asked me, "Do you still like him?" I would say, "I don't know. I think so, but I don't know." Liar. I knew.

Fast forward.

It's Halloween and I knew for sure. That little, irritating, arrogant, say, Kia, was talking to me about you. Going on and on about how she thought you liked her. How she explained to her mom how you acted with her and she said you definitely liked her. I stayed quiet and said I didn't know when she asked me what I thought. But I can't even explain how infuriated I was at the thought. I knew jealousy, but not like that. Not in such extreme, severe amounts. Not where I could've punched her in the face and walked away with a skip in my step. I ran into you in the haunted house and we exchanged a few words, insignificant, but I still remember each and every one, and that was all. But I loved it.

Fast forward.

April 1, 2009. We were back together. And it was a secret from him for about 3 hours until he saw us hugging.

Fast forward.

May. We had our first kiss. And it was short and awkward and sweet and ended in a hug, and my lips were burning.

June. Graduation trip at Disneyland. We went on the haunted house together. You put your arm around me and kissed me. Right by the rattling doors. And our teeth bumped. I still cringe at the thought of that.

School was about to end and we were in the classroom together and you hugged me and said, "I'm really going to miss you."

People told me things. And I listened to their useless opinions. Why did I listen? Why?

"Are you going to break up with me?"

"I don't know."

"Please don't"

And I did.

And it hurt you. And your pain was my pain. And I regretted it.

Fast forward.

That summer. My favorite of our time together. James, my sister, her friend, your foreign cousin, you, and I all went to the Americana together. We hadn't talked but I still liked you and you still liked me.

I went to In-n-Out with my sister and her friend while you and James and your cousin did whatever, when I got a text. She said, "He wants to meet up with you. He borrowed a stranger's phone to call me." So I walked by myself to Urban Outfitters. I walked up the stairs and saw you standing there. I walked up to you and they teased us, but we talked and talked. You talked about being self-conscious of your ears and we passed Coffee Bean and they were following us and we were laughing. And we sat down outside that little restaurant, and I could still pick out the table and the seats we occupied. We left and you were happy.

And we all went to see a movie a few weeks later. Transformers. And you held your hand out to me and I didn't want James to know, so I said no. And you were hurt. And I should have just fucking grabbed hold.

I went to your house and I was inside with everyone and you were outside with...Red. And Red came in and told me to come outside. I told my sister to come too and he said, "No. Just you." So I went and you were there and we sat and talked. And you asked me who I liked and I said, "You first." And you said, "Megan Fox." And I said, "Taylor Lautner." And you looked nervous and said, "Who's that?" I laughed and told you it was an actor. You gave me your jacket and it was warm. We held hands up your street until they came. They had been looking for us. It was the funniest thing...My phone didn't get any of their texts or calls.

Fast forward.

September, freshman year. We went to a football game and we walked up the hill. And talked. And kissed. And I loved you so much. You don't even know.

Fast forward.

We hadn't talked for a while and you ended it. I remember I listened to "Doesn't Mean Anything" by Alicia Keys and basically forced myself to cry.

Fast forward.

December, freshman year. I saw you, we talked, you said you felt the same, that's it.

Fast forward.

May, freshman year. I saw you, we talked, you said you felt the same, that's it.

Fast forward.

Sophomore year. I heard from you the least. It hurt. I met new guys but I measured them to you.

Fast forward.

December, junior year. You talked to me. You talked to me a lot. We kept talking.

April, junior year. You flirted. Made it completely clear.

Summer. Still texting, talking, flirting.

And now senior year.

I saw you and you sent messages and now I don't know. I do know that I just spent about an hour writing out a timeline about you. I can't forget even a single word, and these moments still make me smile and cringe.

I miss you.

"There is no past that we can bring back by longing for it, only a present that builds and creates itself as the past withdraws."