Jesus fucking Christ. Well, did you find what you were looking for? Are you happy now? Do you feel so much better? Do you hurt? That's what you get. That's what you get.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. No words. Ouch.
You're just as desperate as the rest of them. You don't like me. You don't care for me. You're just bored. Bored.
But, fuck! So am I! Do you have any idea how many guys have thrown themselves at me? Do you realize that there is currently a guy that really likes me for ME and I push him away? Can you possibly comprehend that, after all this time, I still care about you and it hurts so fucking bad to see this? DO YOU FUCKING SEE? I could have been with W, F, N, A, R, D, C...And I didn't. For you. And it's so goddamn ironic because you don't even want me! How's that for fucking karma?
And they all say that you care and you like me and you would have left if you didn't and you're still shy and it's so cute and blah blah fucking blah, but they are all wrong. Because I fucking snooped. And I knew I would regret it. But I couldn't fucking help it.
I thought guessing what it was was fate, that I would find out an answer, but I also knew not so deep down what I would find. You seemed cocky, arrogant, annoying, and like a total fucking douche bag You were everything I hate. And then you were desperate and pushy and relentless. And I've been through that. The only difference is I didn't let myself succumb to pressure from a fucking guy. Am I pissed? I don't know.
And the absolute worst part of all of this??? Tomorrow, when I go to your house, I'll watch you out of the corner of my eye, be so painfully aware of how close you are, and get the mother fucking butterflies when you smile or speak or hug me! What the fuck is wrong with me?!? Am I just as stupid as every other fucking teenage girl? So quick to believe the best in someone and so willing to throw away evidence, so plain and logical, to preserve your fucking image?
And then I think, "Well, fuck him. I'll just get with him. That will show you. I'll move on." But I still don't fucking want to! God damnit! Why did I ever have to meet you? No.
Why did you start liking me? Why? Why did you show any interest at all? Before you liked me, I never thought twice about you. And now you've fucked me up. You loved me too much and now you're older and you've lost it. You've lost everything. If you could love me back then with braces and horrible hair and thick eyebrows and no makeup and no fucking chest to speak of, why can't you love me now?
Not a fucking day goes by that I don't think about you and it hurts and you don't care.
I don't want this. I don't want this. But I want you. But I don't want to. And I hurt. And I hate you so fucking much right now. And I love you. And I'll smile at you tomorrow. And if you talk to me, I'll talk to you. And if you hug me, I'll hug you back. And I'll be dying on the inside and my fucking brain will tell me to pull away and to ignore you but my arms won't listen and loosen their grip and my lips won't listen and turn their corners down. I'll pretend I'm perfectly fine. I'll pretend. And pretend. And pretend. For you. Do you see how fucking horrible that is?
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