It Isn't Safe.

I'm wishing for your text more than for his. I smiled when your name came on my phone and I had little butterflies, just as I used to with him. I am wondering what that means and am terrified of what I thinks it means. I both want you and don't want you and I'm still wondering how that can be. I love you, you know this. How could you not? But I'm afraid that I love you more. More than I should. More than as my best friend. As much as I can.

To Know Is To Not

It takes a crane to build a crane. It takes two floors to make a story. It takes an egg to make a hen. It takes a hen to make an egg. There is no end to what I'm saying.

It takes a thought to make a word, and it takes some words to make an action. It takes some work to make it work. It takes some good to make it hurt. It takes some bad for satisfaction.

It takes a night to make it dawn, and it takes a day to make you yawn, brother. And it takes some old to make you young. It takes some cold to know the sun. It takes the one to have the other.

And it takes no time to fall in love, but it takes you years to know what love is. It takes some fears to make you trust. It takes those tears to make it rust. It takes the dust to have it polished.

It takes some silence to make sound. It takes a loss before you found it. And it takes a road to go nowhere. It takes a toll to make you care. It takes a hole to make a mountain.

Life is wonderful. Life goes full circle. Life is so rough. Life is our love. Life is wonderful. Life is meaningful.

Don't. No. Do.

"He's such a good guy." "Yeah." "And smart. He just doesn't try." "Yeah."

"Do you still talk to him? He still loves you."

Ugh. Stop. No. I don't want you to stop. Keep talking. I... don't know.

I feel like screaming at them, "I KNOW! I know how great he is! And I know that that doesn't matter!"

Do I Want A Regression?

Here I am waiting; I'll have to leave soon. Why am I holding on? We knew this day would come; we knew it all along. How did it come so fast? This is our last night, but it's late. And I'm trying not to sleep because I know when I wake I will have to slip away. Here I am staring at your perfection in my arms, so beautiful. The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out - somebody slow it down. This is way too hard because I know when the sun comes up, I will leave. This is my last glance that will soon be a memory. I never wanted to stop because I don't wanna start all over. I was afraid of the dark, but now it's all that I want.

You always come back around.

Secrecy

I've been thinking of something for the past few days that has started to frighten me. I have always loved him. Always. And the longest I ever didn't love him was a week. And I always told myself that the only thing that could make me not love him anymore was loving someone new. So what if I do? What if I've started to love you? No. I already love you. But I mean love you. I've thought about us before but never for this long. And this can't happen. You've kind of got a girl and you're my best friend and I can't fuck it up. But already I feel like you might be pulling away. Which bothers me. But could I actually like you like that? God, I hope not. I can't. I just can't.

Discovery

"Can you look me in the eyes and tell me you don't have feelings for her? She still loves you. Maybe you need to find out if you still love her."

Is this what you need to hear?

Don't You Dare

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill

When the funds are low and the debts are high,

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit-

Rest if you must, but don't quit.

Life is strange with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a fellow turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out.

Don't give up though the pace seems slow-

You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a fair and faltering man,

Often the struggler has given up

When he might have captured the victor's cup,

And he learned too late when night came down,

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out-

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close youa re,

It may be near when it seems afar,

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,-

It's when things seems worst that you mustn't quit.

What Do You Have In The End?

Two jumps and a week - I bet you think that's pretty clever, don't you, boy? Flying on your motorcycle, watching all the ground beneath you drop. Kill yourself for recognition. Kill yourself to never ever stop. You broke another mirror; you're turning into something you are not. Drying up in conversation, you will be the one who cannot talk. All your insides falling to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love. They're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've go the world all sussed out. They're the ones who'll spit at you; you'll be the one screaming out. Don't leave me high and dry. It's the best thing that you ever had. The best thing you have had is gone away. 

No Choice In The Matter

And I'd give up forever to touch you because I know that you feel me. So, love, you're the closest to heaven that I've ever been and I don't want to go home right now. And all I can taste is your sweetness and all I can breathe is your life. But sooner or later it's over; I just don't wanna miss you tonight. And I don't want the world to see me because I don't think that they'd understand. When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming: all the moments and truth in your life. When everything feels like the movies, you bleed just to know you're alive.

"Time to let go of something and let it pass from your life. Accept change or change will be thrust upon you. Grieving a loss or change. Rebirth."

Cold and frosty morning, there's not a lot to say about the things caught in my mind. And as the day was dawning my plane flew away with all the things caught in my mind. And I wanna be there when you're coming down. And I wanna be there when you hit the ground. Damn my situations and the games I have to play with all the things caught in my mind. Damn my education; I can't find the words to say with all the things caught in my mind. So don't go away, say what you say. Say that you'll stay forever and a day. In the time of my life because I need more time just to make things right. Me and you, what's going on? All we seem to know is how to show the feelings that are wrong.

M-M-M-Madness

"Right when you think it's done he comes back around. I don't know when but he will."

"I feel like I'm done, though."

"That's good for you. But he's not."

A month ago, hearing this would put the biggest smile on my face. And it didn't. I just sort of shrugged. I wanted to talk more about him than about you. Sigh. I can't understand this. I'd like to hear from you just to understand, to figure it all out. I would like to hear from you...

Something To Look Forward To

I want to live where soul meets body and let the sun wrap its arms around me and bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing. And feel what it's like to be new.

Because in my head there's a greyhound station where I send my thoughts to far off destinations, so they may have a chance of finding a place where they're far more suited than here.

And I cannot guess what we'll discover when we turn the dirt with out palms cupped like shovels, but I know our filthy hands can wash one another's. And not one speck will remain.

And I do believe it's true, that there are roads left in both of our shoes. But if the silence takes you, then I hope it takes me, too. So, brown eyes, I hold you near. Because you're the only song I want to hear, a melody softly soaring through my atmosphere, where soul meets body.

Belief in the breeze, the smoky morning haze. The sun on his face and the touch of lovers' hands, the pain that comes today is here, then goes away. To touch something real will help your wounds heal like the sun on your face, the dreams of starry nights. And we are homeward bound. And I, I want this more than life.

Corruption

Children, Broadripple is burning and the girls are getting sick off huffing glue in the bathroom, while their boyfriends pick up chicks. And, darling, I'm lost. I heard you whispering that night in Fountain Square, the trash-filled streets made me wish we were heading home. There was love inside the basement where that woman used to lie, in a sleeping bag we shared upon the floor almost every night. Darling, I'm drunk. And everything that I had loved has turned to stone. So pack your bags and come back home. If my man was a fire, he'd burn out before I wake and be replaced by pints of whiskey, cigarettes, and outer space. Then somebody moves and everything you thought you had has gone to shit. Well, we've got a lot. Don't ever forget that. And I wrote this on an airplane where the people looked like ants. And then a man that you loved was gone; he was bombing East Japan. Don't fucking move, because everything you thought you had will go to shit. We've got a lot. Don't you dare forget that. 

And I'm wasted. You can taste it. Don't look at me that way, because I'll be hanging from a rope. I will haunt you like a ghost.

But Now I Have Finally Seen The Light

I heard this song and looked up the lyrics because of the title of "I Wish I Never Met You." I thought, "I can probably relate." And I am so fucking proud to say that I can't. Does that mean that I'm over him, over the past four years? I think so. High five for getting over someone you would've died for!

~"And now I have finally seen the end, and I was expecting you to care. And I have finally seen the light, and I have finally realized I need to love."~

They say it's insane when you think somebody's gonna change when they won't. I'm getting tired of this recital. Is it really worth fighting for? Young lovers seem carefree, but these bags have gotten heavy again. I think it's time to break the pattern. Blame it on me, turn aside. A lonely road to nowhere, that's all we are. Contempt is in silence. You often were violence to me. You had me feeling like a crackhead; I squeeze you out just like a blackhead. Nobody's gonna save you and I know better than to blame you alone. I lay there and take the lashes, but now I leave you with the ashes. And now the flames just a flicker, down to the wick. Who's gonna kill it? It burns until you snap it out. I wanna rub you out. But love's gonna trick you and fuck with your ticker. Take you down like a brick that's tied to you, pulling you down, watching me drown.

I wish I never met you; you've done me so wrong. I wish I could forget you. It's been way too long: 16 hours and 4 long years. Been trying to wipe these memories and dry these tears. I wish I never met you; that's how much I regret you.

I Can't Help It

"I don't wanna go there. We should never go there. Why do you wanna go there? I guess I gotta go there. You're hearing rumors about me and you can't stomach the thought of someone touching my body when you're so close to my heart. I won't deny what they're saying because most of it is true, but it was all before I fell for you. So please don't judge me and I won't judge you, because it can get ugly before it gets beautiful. If you love me, then let it be beautiful. I've been through this so many times; can we change the subject? You're hearing rumors about me and saw some pictures online. Saying they got you so angry, making you wish you were blind. Just let the past be the past and focus on things now. So please don't judge me."

~Possible change in a relationship for the better. Contract or agreement restructured with new benefits. Loss not as serious as originally thought. Things may be looking up. Coming out of a rough time. Able to regroup and continue forward with new understanding of what needs to be done if lessons have been learned. A longing for what could have been. Regret.~

A Dream I Dreamed

There was a time when men were kind, when their voices were soft and their words inviting. There was a time when love was blind and the world was a song, and the song was exciting. There was a time, then it all went wrong. I dreamed a dream in time gone by, when hope was high and life worth living. I dreamed that love would never die. I dreamed that God would be forgiving. Then I was young and unafraid and dreams were made and used and wasted. There was no ransom to be paid, no song unsung, no wine untasted. But the tigers come at night, with their voices soft as thunder as they tear your hope apart, as they turn your dream to shame. He slept a summer by my side. He filled my days with endless wonder. He took my childhood in his stride, but he was gone when autumn came. And still I dream he'll come to me, that we will live the years together. But there are dreams that cannot be and there are storms we cannot weather. I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I'm living, so different now from what it seemed. Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

"Do not consider painful what is good for you."

I Don't Understand

I don't love you anymore. Why don't I love you anymore? You logged on today and I...I didn't feel anything. It doesn't hurt anymore that you don't love me. It's funny. It pains me that I don't love you. Make sense of that, I beg you. I don't get it. I've spent four and a half years wanting nothing and no one but you. And now I just...don't. It's not that I've replaced you. I don't feel for anyone right now. I'm trying to, but I just don't. I guess it's because I'm leaving. I would thank my subconscious for doing this for me if it didn't terrify me. Loving you is all I know. Waiting for you to talk to me, hesitantly pressing send on a one word text, holding your hand, teeth bumps, Transformers and The Collector and some other movie, the Haunted Mansion at Disneyland, your jacket, a football game, a smile, a captured glance. Those are the things I cherished and remembered for years. And now they're little more than nothing to me. It's very confusing. And I thought I would be relieved, but it bothers me. I'm sorry, I guess. I'm sorry that it took me four years to get over you. I'm sorry that, if you ever wanted me to speak my mind, I didn't. I'm sorry that this is all we were ever supposed to be but, after those two years of strong affection and such loving words on your part, who could've guessed? Who knew?

"If someone said three years from now you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out cause they're all wrong. I know better cause you said forever and ever. Who knew?"

Smiles All Around

Thank God I found the good in goodbye. I used to want you so bad!

Moving on.

Beautiful things. I can do this. I will do this. Thank you and thank you. I'm on my way and I'll make it.

I LOVE LIVING!

Fuck you, Yale. You're gonna regret it.

;)

Such utter nonsense. But it makes sense to me.

Good News In A Sea Of Bad. Thank You.

There was a time I used to look into my father's eyes in a happy home. I was a queen; I had a golden throne. Those days are gone, now the memories are on the wall. I hear the songs from the places where I was born. There was a time I met a boy of a different kind. We ruled the word; I thought I'd never lose him out of sight. We were so young, I think of him now and then. I still hear the songs reminding me of a friend. Upon the hill across the blue lake, that's where I had my first heartbreak. I still remember how it all changed. My father said, "Don't you worry, child. See, heaven's got a plan for you!"

Thank you.

I paint portraits of fiction, sometimes to cope, sometimes to escape, and sometimes just because it makes me happier to constantly think about a bunch of crazy made-up shit. But fiction is not always necessary. Sometimes the real world has happy endings, too.

Mine Again

I heard this song when you started talking to me again last year, right around this time actually. I thought it meant something but maybe it didn't. And I'm okay with it. If I still loved you as much as I did then, when I cried at the sight of your name on my phone, then this would be unendurable pain. But I don't anymore. Which is weird to say. Usually I flip back to loving you again by now, but I haven't. It's funny. Now that you're not holding me back anymore, I'm free. I'm free. And freedom isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

ENOUGH

Fuck all of you. You know I'm sensitive. You know one word can fuck up my whole day. And you've done it. Again. Just leave me alone. I'm sad and depressed and furious and resentful, so the last thing I want is an insult. Shut your mouths. And your snickering. Seven days and counting. I would be fine if I never spoke to you again. More than fine. Happy.

I'm separate from all of you. I don't need you, any of you. Stop looking at me. Stop. Looking. At. Me.

STOP.

"Mama. I don't wanna die, but sometimes I wish I'd never been born at all."

As Long As You Walk The Earth

"He's coming tonight with his fiancé."

"What?"

"Matthew's engaged. He's bringing her to meet his mother."

"Well, how marvelous."

"You don't mind?"
"Why should I? We're not going to marry, but I don't want him to spend the rest of his life in a cave."

"Please try to be happy for him."

"Of course I'm happy. Good luck to him."

"Last time he was here he broke her heart."

"She broke her own heart. That's if she has a heart to break."

"How are you?"
"Since you ask, I'm wretched."

"Are you happy?"

"I think I'm about to be happy. Does that count?"

"Only if you mean it."

"You'll be the first to know."

"I'm so pleased that we're friends again."

"It'll be hard to let you go, my last link with home."

"Not as hard as it is for me. I know I shouldn't say it but I can't keep it in any longer."

"I wish you would."

"I've told myself and told myself you're too far above me. But things are changing and I'll make something of myself. I promise."

"I know you will."

"It's cost me all I've got to say these things."

"Dear Lord,

I don't pretend to have much credit with you; I'm not even sure that you're there. But if you are and if I've ever done anything good, I beg you to keep him safe."

"May I give you one piece of advice? Tell him what's in your heart. If you still love him, let him know. If you do not tell him, you could regret it all your life long."

"And what about Ms. Swire?"

"Ah, as if any man in his right mind could prefer Ms. Swire to you."

"I'm not a romantic. But even I will conceive that the heart does not exist solely for the purpose of pumping blood."

"You're not a victim. Don't let them make you into one."

"You should know when you talk like that, I almost believe you."

"You should."

"He gave me some advice last night."

"Oh, yes? Was it good advice?"

"It was about honesty. He says I should say how I really feel. Do you think he's right?"

"I think honesty is the best course. And I think you regret being honest less often than you regret telling lies."

"Your proposal is improving. But you must give me some time. But I promise to think about it. Properly."

"I'm counting on it."

"Is good news imminent?"

"Would you be happy if it were?"

"Of course. I've found someone now and I want you to do the same."

"One day you'll meet someone else and you'll marry. Perhaps it'll be second best, but it doesn't mean you can't have a life."

"I think it does. For me."

"I don't know if I've dreaded this moment or longed for it."

"Well, either way it's happened."

"That leaves Matthew."

"That's done now. Finished. It's time to move forward."

"What about Matthew?"

"Not you too. Oh, Matthew. What must he do to persuade you he's in love with Lavinia? Open his chest and carve her name on his heart?"

"Write to him. Tell him of your plans; you owe him that."

"I don't think I owe him anything. But I'll write to him if you like.

"So there we have it. I look forward to introducing the two of you. Please be glad for me, as I will always be for you."

"Sometimes you can be curiously unfeeling."

"She is the author of her own misfortunes."

"Me?"

"No. Uncle Tom Cobly."

"I'm sorry but I've waited so long for those words; I can't believe I'm hearing them. You won't mind burning your bridges?"

"Mind? Fetch me the matches."

"I am delighted that you can look forward to a happy married life."

"I'm very lucky."

"Now, this may come as a surprise but I feel I must say it all the same."

"Please do."

"Mary is still in love with you."

"What?"

"I was watching her as you spoke of your wedding. She looked like Juliet on awakening in the tomb. I had suspected long ago that the flame hadn't quite gone out, but it seemed best to let her try for happiness where she could."

"I quite agree and Sir Richard is-"

"Let's not muddy the pool by discussing Sir Richard. The point is you loved her once, you sure you can't love her again?"

"Do you think it would be quite right to dismiss Lavinia?"

"Spoken like a man of honor."

"But you don't agree."

"I would just say one thing. Marriage is a long business. You'll live 50 years with one of these two women. Just make sure you have selected the right one."

"Are you still in love with Matthew Crawley?"

"Of course not. Would I ever admit to loving a man who preferred someone else over me?"

"This sort of thing is all very well in novels. But in reality it can prove very uncomfortable."

"We were a show that flopped."

"God, I am so, so sorry. You know how sorry I am."

"Don't be. It wasn't anyone's fault. If it was, it was mine."

"You know Violet came to me and told me to marry you."

"What did you say?"

"That I couldn't give Lavinia the brush off just because I was well again."

"Of course not."

"However much I want to."

"Will you be happy? Really?"

"I have no right to be unhappy, which is almost the same."

"Almost. Not quite."

"We are cursed, you and I. And there's nothing to be done about it. Let's be strong and accept that this is the end."

"Of course this is the end. How could it not be?"

"Life is a game in which the player must appear ridiculous."

"What is it that set you apart?"

"There are reasons."

"I see. And those reasons are final?"

"They are for Matthew. So yes. They are."

"She's still in love with you, you know."

"I don't think so."

"Well, I'm sorry, but it's as plain as the nose on your face."

"It has to be like this. I can't explain why."

"Well, you see, I think you're wrong."

"I deserve to be unhappy. So does she."

"Nobody your age deserves that and if you are and can do something about it and don't, well then the war has taught you nothing."

"You were wrong about one thing."

"Only one thing? What is it?"

"I never would...I never could despise you."

"I wish you'd take my advice and fight for her. But I know you won't."

"I don't expect you to understand."

"Well, that's good. Because I can't."

"You can't be blamed for feelings beyond your control."

"Would you stay if I asked you to?"

"Oh, Matthew. You don't mean that. You know we carry more luggage than the porters at King Cross. Have you forgiven me?"

"No. I haven't forgiven you."

"Well, then."

"I haven't forgiven you because I don't believe you need my forgiveness. You've lived your life and I've lived mine. Now I believe it's time we lived life together."

"We've been on the edge of this so many times, Matthew. Please don't take me there again unless you're sure."

"I am sure. Will you?"

"You must say it properly. I won't answer unless you kneel down and everything."

"Lady Mary Crawley, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

"Yes."

When Will You Learn?

"Every mountain is unclimbable until someone climbs it. So every ship is unsinkable until it sinks."

"You can change your life if you want to. Sometimes you have to be hard on yourself, but you can change it completely. I know."

"No one ever warns you about bringing up daughters. You think it's going to be like Little Women, instead they're at each others' throats from dawn till dusk."

"She can be such a child. She thinks if you put a toy down, it'll still be sitting there when you want to play with it again."

"You should learn to forget what I say. I know I do."

"My life makes me angry. Not you."

"You must be careful. I think she has a crush on you." 

"Well, that's something no one could accuse you of." 

"Oh, I don't know." 

"I assume you speak in the spirit of mockery." 

"You should have more faith." 

"Shall I remind you of some of the choicest remarks you made about me when I arrived here? Because they live in my memory, as fresh as the day they were spoken." 

"Oh, what am I always telling you? You must pay no attention to the things I say.

"For the first time I know what it is to be happy. It's just I know that I won't be."

"So I've ruined everything."

"You've shown me I've been living in a dream. Wish me luck, will you? God knows I wish the best for you."

"Are you alright?"

"Of course. You know me. I'm never down for long." 

"I know you have spirit. That's what counts. It's all that counts in the end."

"He was still a nice man. He is still a nice man. He was a little red-faced and his suit was a little tight. But none of that mattered. He hadn't changed, not in the real ways."

Beating The Tide

I feel very sad again. It comes in waves and is especially strong right now. I feel a deep pain in the pit of my stomach. Sadness. Grieving. Self-pity. I feel worthless and not nearly good enough. I feel fat and I won't stop eating. I feel bored with my life but I don't want it to change. I can't figure myself out and I'm so tired. Not in the sense where I need to sleep. I slept yesterday from 3 PM until about 6 PM, and slept again from 1 AM until 11 AM. I'm well rested. But I'm exhausted. By breathing. By simply expanding and contracting my lungs I feel myself getting weary. Maybe I'm depressed. Again. But everyone and everything is annoying me, including myself. My head hurts and so does everything else. It's such a pain, this living thing. And to think, I have about 70 more years to go. That sucks. That really sucks.

I can't see myself past 18.

Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall

It's another new year and this year will strike a change in me, for better or for worse. On the first day of the year I was already given an answer, an answer I dreaded to hear. But I got it and I swallowed it and I accepted it. And it hurt but that's life. And I expected it. And try as I may, I do not hate you. I do not hate you.

I have goals for this year and resolutions and things I hope to cross off of my bucket list. I am told that I cannot live in the dark anymore, but I love the dark.

1. I was told by a piece of paper that I need to wear onyx. Well:

         "Detachment: The ancient Egyptians believed that it could cool the ardors of love and actually bring lovers to the point of separation! Use onyx to keep away or end unhealthy or bothersome emotional entanglements.

           Letting Go: Extremely helpful to people who are having trouble letting go or releasing the past or attachments and moving on after a relationship has ended, sometimes years past the event."

2. When I'm gone, I want to go to the Harry Potter world in Florida. I will.

3. Attain my dream body. Work out and relieve stress and anger.

4. Talk to Jeneatte. Ask all of the questions that eat away at me. And once I have the answers, even if they aren't the ones I want, I have to let them go. And never ask those questions again.

5. Write down everything I hate about myself and light it on fire. Stop judging myself and maybe I'll go easy on others.

6. Remove the note from under my bed. It's time to let go.

7. Take a walk. Buy a coffee. Relax.

8. Meditate, or try to, at least once a week.

I would add something that has to do with my sister, but I'm not at that point yet. I haven't talked to her in about five days and I don't feel like I need to yet. I am resentful. But as of now, there's nothing I can do. I can't say I forgive her if I don't. I just want my answers. I need them soon.

Only Relevant If It Still Hurts

I asked for a lightbulb and changed it to a rabbit. Within an hour, I was shown both. Oh, how I miss you. And I don't want to believe it but it couldn't be clearer. And in my head I feel myself making excuses. I have seen mixed signals but these signs, they are so clear they are almost tangible. God damnit. Is that it? I suppose so. Goodbye, my love, my friend. My everything and my nothing. Inevitable, I suppose. I'm sorry and I forgive you.

"And will I tell you that these two lived happily ever after? I will not, for no one ever does. But there was happiness. And they did live." -Stephen King