Checkmate

It's your move. It's been your move. I mean, I'd be happy to make the move and all if I didn't think it made me look desperate. It's your turn. It's weird, because now when I see that you're online, I know exactly where you're sitting, what you look like. And you have no idea I'm sitting here, Oasis-ing it up, waiting for you. Silly boy, when will you realize that you're all I want?

Fifth Time's The Charm?

I felt weird waking up today, almost as if you were back in my life or something silly like that. Which I guess you are going to be because I'm going to be around a lot more. Fate? I don't know. But someone's answering my pleas. She called and said that you really wanted to go. That is so unlike you that I found myself smiling from ear to ear. I realized how much I've missed you.

Yesterday I went over to tutor your brother and I had no idea that you'd be there. Of course you would. It's my little friend, Tia, pushing us together. So you did what you always did whenever I came over. You were sitting watching TV and knew we were there. When we were close enough, you turned your head just a little and got that same smile on your face. You jumped up, still smiling adorably, and hugged me. Let me tell you. Butterflies.

Then your mom told you to go upstairs, so you wouldn't distract him and you did after a while. But I don't think you wanted to. You came back after a while and sat right next to me. Your mom told you to go again. But you just looked at her. Your dad came. You were supposed to go to a movie with him. But when he said, "Let's go," you didn't move. I later found out that your mom spoke to him in your language. And that everyone could understand but me, who was trying to pay attention to fractions with you so close to me. She said, "I don't think he wants to go." And looked at me.

I've missed you. Now you can miss me. And I'll be back Monday. Fuck. I need time with you! I need you!!! No. I don't need any guy. But Tia's helping me out and it makes me so happy. Now you can't forget about me. She's not making that possible.

"Things are looking up, finally. I thought I'd never see the day when you smiled at me. We always pull through when we try. I'm always wrong but you're never right. I'd never trade it in because I've always wanted this and it's not a dream anymore. It's worth fighting for. I could've given up so easily; I was a few cheap shots away from the end of me. I can believe we almost hung it up. We're just getting started!"

Is This What I Want?

Took a deep breath in the mirror; he didn't like it when I wore high heels, but I do. Turned the lock and put my headphones on; he always said he didn't get this song, but I do. Walked in expecting you'd be late, but you got here early and you stand and wait. And I walk to you; you pulled my chair and helped me in and you don't know how nice that is, but I do. You said you never met one girl who has as many James Taylor records as you, but I do. We tell stories and you don't know why I'm coming off a little shy, but I do. And we walk down the block to my car and I almost brought him up, but you start to talk. And I won't talk about that. For the first time, what's passed is past. Because you throw your head back laughing like a little kid. I think it's strange that you think I'm funny because he never did. I've been spending the last 8 months thinking all love ever does is break and burn and end. But on a Wednesday in a cafe, I watched it begin again.

I can't entirely relate, because he called me beautiful but so did you. He was kind, but so were you. He seemed interested, but so did you. The difference is that I could read him like a book. It was clear he was thinking about me. He let it be known. He didn't hide. I wasn't hesitant to text him. But when I think about talking to you, I second guess myself. Why do you make this so difficult? I don't want it to begin again with him. I want it with you. But I will not wait forever. Is he better? Could I actually be happier with him? I have no fucking idea.

We're All Just A Little Insane

I like the sound of the broken pieces. I like the lights that assign where he sits. We got machines but the kids got Jesus. We like to move like we both don't need this. God can't here you; they will fight you. Watch them build a friend just like you. \We like to dance but the dead go faster. We want the cash or the drugs your after. Self-correction, mass dissection, death squad brats are in detention. Complacency, photographs that I'm erasing, self-infraction, mass destruction programmed for the final function. Save me from the next life. Give me the sound to see another world outside that's full of all the broken things that I made. Just give me a life to plea, another world outside that's full of all the awful things that I made. Because we are the last disease, another broken life that's full of all the awful things that I made.And we've got the eyes to see another life that's full of all the broken things that I made.

Never A Mere Memory

Wheels are turning, I remember when you were mine. Now just to reach you, baby, I'd stand in line. But there's another world we're living in. And there's another heart that's fading in the light. I don't want your picture, I want you here with me. I don't want you're memory in my head, I want you here with me. I spent the summer just laying out in the sun. Time seems to move so slow when you're taking it as it comes. Maybe we were just too young. Your body was tanned and my hair was long, you showed me your smile and my cares were gone. Falling in love filled my soul with fright; you said, "Come on, baby, it'll be alright." I must have been a fool to the bitter end. Now I hold on to hope to have you back again. I'd bargain and I'd fight. Well, I saw you in a restaurant the other day, and instead of walking towards you, I ran away. And I'll keep on waiting for you until you come around.

There Is No Winning

Notice me, take my hand. Why are we strangers when our love is so strong? Why carry on without me? Every time I try to fly, I fall without my wings. I feel so small. I guess I need you, baby. And every time I see you in my dreams, I see your face, it's haunting me. I make believe that you are here, it's the only way I see clear. What have I done? You seem to move on easy. I have made it rain, please forgive me. My weakness caused you pain. At night I pray, that soon your face will fade away.

The Lights In Heaven Are Blurred

No, I won't do it again. I don't want to pretend. If it can't be like before, I've got to let it end. I don't want what I was; I had a change of head. But maybe someday...I've got to let it go and leave it gone. Just walk away, stop it going on. Get too scared to jump if I wait too long. But maybe someday I'll see you smile as you call my name. Start to feel, and it feels the same. And I know that maybe someday's come again. So tell me some days come again. No I won't do it some more, doesn't make any sense. If I can't be like this, I've got to let it rest. I don't want what I did, I had a change of tense. If I could do it again, maybe just once more, I think I could make it work like I did it before. If I could try it out, if I could just be sure, that maybe someday is the last time, maybe someday is the end. Maybe someday is when it all stops, or maybe someday always comes again.

More Than A Memory

When you smile, I can taste you, baby. You don't even know. And my hearts skips a beat, darling, every time you go. When you walk into the room, I can't speak and I can't move. You don't see me, but you should. Why do you have to make it hurt so good? I don't even want to let you go. I'm afraid that you misunderstood. Every day is just a wish I could. All the girls on the block go knocking on your door. You just stare out the window. What are you waiting for? Is it too late or too soon?

~~~

Speak to me; you're walking too close and it's hard to breathe. I should be running but the heart's naive. And I'll expect too much; you were too good to me. I left a scar that no one else can see. And now you're back here and reminding me that I lost too much. And you know that night I almost said I love you and you almost said it back? Say my name because no one else can say it quite the same. It takes me back to those September days; I've missed you way too much. Wish I was good to you, but just to hear it breaks my heart in two. If there's a way to make it up to you, I want to change so much, you know I do. Stay with me, I really need to hear you breathe. If words can't speak, lay your body next to me. Are we gonna be more than a memory? No matter how late my apology? I let go of you, you let go of me. Are you gonna just stand in front of me, pretending I'm not your destiny? I'm not over you. Are you over me? Same old apology. I let go of you, you let go of me. Are we gonna be more than a memory?

~~~

From the very first time I saw your face, I knew I was satisfied. You were talking so sweet, I had to taste. I wish I never tried.

To Just Pass The Time

Sometimes I say or do things to intentionally hurt someone. I don't know why. But it sort of feels good to make people feel the pain I'm feeling sometimes. I feel a little bad afterwards, but mostly satisfied that they finally realize how sad I am. How confused I am. How hurt I am. I'm not saying I'm this little depressed bitch who walks around cutting people down, although I can be. Mostly I'm just hurt and I expect the people that know me the best to notice and they never do. And that's what causes me to lash out. Every single time.

What Do They Know? More Than I

I'm not saying I've changed my mind. That's impossible. But I keep thinking about what he said about you, and that definitely seems possible. He could've been lying, but when I say that I feel like I'm just making excuses. I miss you like crazy and I like who you were but I have no idea if I'm wasting my time. That's not true. I have an idea that I might be. People tell me I am. But more people tell me that I'm not. But who the fuck cares what they say? What do I think? I think it's possible that waiting for him is useless and embarrassing and pathetic. And then I think maybe I should let go. But then I realize I really don't fucking want to, so instead I'll just hold onto that tiny bit of hope that when I'm lying awake before bed and thinking of all that we could be, you are too. That when I see you're online my heart skips and I stare at your name, practically bidding you to message me, you're doing the same. That when I'm walking to class and my mind inevitably drifts towards your name, that you do the same. And that when the smallest things remind me of you, that things just as unimportant remind you of me. Because it's not only easier, it's also what feels right. It feels best to let myself care for you. Trying to let go of you is, first of all, really fucking hard, but also impossible. But I just wish I knew. Knew how you feel. Knew everything. That's all I'm saying.

"Boy, if you're wondering if I want you too, I want you too. So make a move. Because I don't have all night.

Written In The Stars

"I love you. I am who I am because of you. You are every reason, every hope, and every dream I've had, and no matter what happens to us in the future, every day we are together is the greatest day of my life. I will always be yours. And you will always be mine."

I saw you and I'll never be able to go back. I'll never be able to go back in time and make a different decision that would have led us to not see one another. I fell. Again. But this time it wasn't as painful. I didn't feel as if my world would break if I didn't have you. Because it already broke before. And so now I'm just calm. I'm just waiting for you to decide, if you ever do, that you need me, too. I can't forget you, so why do I keep trying? I'm just going to accept that I love you and I always will. You should try it sometime.

Hello, I know it's been a while. I wonder where you are and if you think of me sometimes because you're always on my mind. You know I had it rough trying to forget you but the more that I look around, the more I realize you're all I'm looking for. Just friends, the beginning or the end. How do we make sense when we're on our own? It's like you're the other half of me; I feel incomplete. I should've known nothing in the world compares to the feelings that we share. It's not you, blame it all on me. I was running from myself because I couldn't tell how deep that we were gonna be. I was scared especially, but it hurts like hell. I hope it's not too late, just a twist of fate. What makes you beautiful is you don't know how beautiful you are to me. You're not trying to be perfect. Nobody's perfect, but you are to me. It's how you take my breath away, fill the words that I don't say. I wish, somehow, I could say them now.

To See You Again

"Maybe there's something you're afraid to say or someone you're afraid to love, but say it and love them. It's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt because it matters."

I felt as if nothing had changed. But of course it had. Things have totally turned around in entirely different directions, for all of us. Just four years ago we were four kids on our way to high school. But we didn't think about that. We were all stuck in the same little school with the same people we hated. All three of you were always together. And when you and I found our way together, you never let anyone else interrupt.

But now. So different. Of course I would feel the same. Because you were quiet and I was quiet and he was a jerk and she was pushing me to go and it was all so familiar. But now I'm looking at colleges far away. He's looking at West Point, but hoping football can get him somewhere. He's delusional in thinking he can get himself to USC. And you're unsure. But either way, we won't find ourselves ten minutes from each other for much longer. If ten minutes felt like a thousand miles, imagine how it will feel when I actually am that far away. I missed you more than I even knew. Driving to your house again made my stomach explode. Hugging you felt comfortable. But different. You're much taller. Your arms are stronger. It felt like no time at all had passed. But time has passed and that's the problem. Three years. Three whole years we let slide by. And still I look at you like it was only five minutes ago that we walked up your street, that we kissed at a football game, that our teeth knocked on a Disneyland ride. We're such different people now, and yet we were exactly the same. I didn't want to tell them how I felt looking at you because it's none of their business. Especially not his. Who took the first chance he got to make my stomach ache. I know we tease each other, but I don't go out of my way to make him hurt. Oh, well. That's life.

"I don't know why I did the things I did. I don't know why I said the things I said. Pride's like a knife; it can cut deep inside. Words are like weapons; they wound sometimes. My world was shattered; I was torn apart, like someone took a knife and drove it deep in my heart. You walked out that door, I swore that I didn't care. But I lost everything, darling, then and there. Too strong to tell you I was sorry. Too proud to tell you I was wrong. I know that I was blind. If I could turn back time, if I could find a way, I'd take back those words that hurt you and you'd stay. I'd give it all to you, then you'd love me like you used to."

"Hello, image. Sing me a line from your favorite song. Twist and turn, but you're trapped in the light; all the directions were wrong. You'll fall in love with somebody else tonight. Help yourself, but tell me the words before you fade away. You reveal all the secrets to remember the end and escape someday. You'll fall in love with somebody else again tonight. Take a step; you move in time, but it's always back. The reasons are clear, your face is drawn and ready for the next attack."

Blackbird Fly

I know, caught up in the middle, I cry just a little when I think of letting go. Gave up on the riddle; I cry just a little when I think of letting go.

When I need a healing, I just look up to the ceiling. I see the sun coming down, I know it's all better now.

Notice My Silence

I've been roaming around; I was looking down at all I see. Painted faces fill the places I can't reach. You know that I could use somebody, someone like you and all you know and how you speak. Countless lovers, undercover of the streets. You know that I could use somebody. Off in the night while you live it up, I'm off to sleep, waging wars to shape the poet and the beat. I hope it's going to make you notice someone like me. 

Chase Me. I Swear I Won't Run

"How strange when an illusion dies. It's as though you've lost a child." -Judy Garland

Have you ever been in a situation where you have no idea where you stand with someone who you really like and you want more than anything to know if they feel the same but you don't want to ask in case they don't feel the same way and then everything would change between you, so instead you just stay quiet about it so you can keep holding on to the small hope that they could still feel the same and you convince yourself it's enough even though it's really killing you inside?

I Had To Have Known You

As they say, two can play, but keep that song away from me. In my time, too much love has made me sad for so long. I was blind, can't you see through the long, lonely night. Heaven knows I believe. All the world, even you, should learn to love the way I do. Won't you take a chance with me?

"Your face I did not recognize. Your voice I'd never heard, yet your heart was so familiar and your eyes spoke so many words. You know me like I know myself. How can this be so? I, too, know the same of you. I cannot let this go. Love at first sight is spoken of, in this I do not believe. Can two hearts be forever bound as one and each other never leave? Are hearts made for one and one alone for all eternity? And they will seek until they find what was created thus to be? 

You are everything I want, because you are everything I'm not.

Unless It's You

"My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever."

Remember we'd be up all night, talking until the morning light? Like the way it used to be, those simple days, just you and me. I think, baby, I know what's on your mind. Because you look like you've got something to say. I may not say those words anymore, but maybe it just isn't my way. You ask me do I love you but do you remember why I walked on water for you? Do you remember my first steps on the moon? Have you ever wondered why I gave three wishes to you? You asked the question but the answer lies in you. Remember we used to laugh and say no one understood our way? And there were times when you would cry and come knocking on my door, and I was there to shelter your pain. I think, baby, you should get that off your mind, make it seem like a brighter day. I may not say those words anymore, but maybe I can make it my way.

Do you ever realize that everyone around you is constantly within their own mind and thinking a million secret thoughts and battling internal struggles, just like you? That you're not the only one who thinks these things and that the people around you aren't just faces meant to fill up your life but they're actually really deep people who have a lot more to them than you every actually even think about?

Everything Will Change. Nothing Stays The Same.

My dream doesn't scare me because my dream is you.

"Oh, I hate alright, but not in general. My hates are as specific as my affections."

I saw you. Just a glimpse. It might not even have been you. Just the possibility that it was you made me hurt. Fuck, I miss you.

I Love You To The Moon And Back

I read your story, little boy. Can I just say how you have touched my heart? You poor little thing, hardly given a life at all, and yet you have influenced more people than most have in a lifetime. You looked so beautiful and happy. Genuinely happy. I am sorry this happened to you. I am so sorry for your mother and your father and your brothers. I hope, no, I pray, that things will...I don't know. I doubt the days can get easier for them. I just hope that they can one day look on the past and into the sky and see the beauty, and only the beauty, and no more sadness. And I know that will not be easy. 

"I remember the drive home when the blind hope turned to crying and screaming, 'Why?' Flowers piled up in the worst way; no one knows what to say about a beautiful boy who died."

I have no idea of the pain you and they feel. But I hope you are happy, little boo. I hope you can laugh and smile and your hair has grown back and you feel nothing but bliss. No pain for you, little boy. That is all I can hope for you. I hope one day we get to meet. I would be honored.

Hi, Ronan. My name's Madeleine. We haven't met.

Happy To Serve

"I'll be your shelter; I'll be your storm. I'll make you shiver; I'll keep you warm. Be your forever, be your fling. Baby, I will be your everything."

I was put here to be everything and anything you need, because I adore you. I look at you and I can hardly see a flaw. The things about you that I normally would not like in a person suddenly intrigue me. Your slight imperfections do not make you less appealing, but more attainable. If you need a lover, I am a lover. If you need a friend, I am a friend. If you need me to be someone on the edge of your life, who you can reel in whenever you feel up to it, I will be just that. And gladly.

Reach

In the morning light, let my roots take pride. Watch me from above like a vicious dove. They don't see me come, who can blame them? Never seem to catch my eye but I never wondered why. I won't fall asleep. From your slanted view see the morning dew sink into the soil, watch the water boil. They won't feel it, who can blame them? They never know if they see me fly, so I never have to run. Higher, don't let them know we're coming. Higher, tiptoe higher. Take some time to sip it down, keep your head down low. Nobody else, you take me higher.

Wishful Thinking

 I don't know where I am going to rest my head tonight, so I won't promise that I'll speak to you today. But if I ever find a better place, a better time, for that moment I was never what I am. Take to me where you are, what you've become, and what you will do when I am gone. I won't forget. In between the lines is the only place you'll find what you're missing but you didn't know was there. So when I say goodbye, you must do your best to try and forgive me this weakness. Because I don't what to say, another day, another excuse to be sent your way. Another day, another year. Maybe someday, you'll be somewhere. Talking to me as if you knew me, saying, "I'll be home for next year, darling." Maybe sometime in a long time, you'll remember what I had said there. I said, "I'll be home for next year." If you think of me, I will think of you.

500+ Days Of Longing

When you're young everything feels like the end of the world. But it's not. It's just the beginning.

This is a story of boy meets girl. The boy, Tom Hansen of Margate, New Jersey, grew up believing he'd never truly be happy until the day he met the one. This belief stemmed from early exposure to sad British pop music and a total mis-reading of the movie "The Graduate." The girl, Summer Finn of Shinnecock, Michigan, did not share this belief. Since the disintegration of her parents' marriage, she'd only love two things. The first was her long dark hair. The second was how easily she could cut it off and not feel a thing. Tom meets Summer on January 8th. He knows almost immediately she is who he has been searching for. This is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know upfront, this is not a love story.

People don't realize this, but loneliness in underrated. 

Tom walked to her apartment, intoxicated by the promise of the evening. He believed that this time his expectations would align with reality.

For Tom Hansen, this was the night where everything changed. That wall Summer so often hid behind - the wall of distance, of space, of casualty - that wall was slowly coming down. For here was Tom, in her world, a place few had been invited to see with their own eyes. And here was Summer, wanting him there. Him, no one else.

"Look, we don't have to put a label on it. That's fine. I get it. But, you know, I just need some consistency."

"I know."

"I need to know that you're not gonna wake up in the morning and feel differently."

"And I can't give you that. Nobody can."

Do you ever do this, you think back on all the times you've had with someone and you just replay it in your head over and over again and you look for those first signs of trouble?

Look, I know you think she was the one, but I don't. Now, I think you're just remembering the good stuff. Next time you look back, I, uh, I really think you should look again. 

It's these cards and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all lies and the heartache, everything

If Tom had learned anything, it was that you can't ascribe great cosmic significance to a simple earthly event. Coincidence, that's all anything ever is, nothing more that a coincidence. Tom had finally learned, there are no miracles. There's no such thing as fate, nothing is meant to be. He knew, he was sure of it now.

Misery, sadness, loss of faith, no reason to live...this is perfect for you.

"I just woke up one day and I knew."

"Knew what?"

"What I was never sure of with you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin, and they end, with no lasting memories made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life. May 23rd was a Wednesday.

I Will

I really do not care anymore. Think what you think and believe what you want, but just remember I cared when no one else did and if we never talk again, please know that I am forever changed by who you are and what you meant to me.

I am not dying here. Not today. Not like this. I am not here to just love. I am not just going to grow; I am going to thrive. You, nor anyone else in the world, can stop me. I am not going to be just good or even great; I am going to be the best. I will never stop getting better. I will never cease my growth. Everyday I go somewhere and come back better and stronger. I hope you are doing the same. You better be, because if not you will die here. And I will be damned if I die here with you.

Almost

I almost got to see you last night. I think that's what they all were hoping for. So many people caught a glimpse and I came close, but not quite. Knowing your voice was on the other end of that telephone gave me a rush. It's silly. And he looked so much like you. God, I miss you. Don't forget about me alright? I may not be around here much longer. I will see you again, though. I have to. And I know what I want to say, I just can't put it all in words so instead I'll just say that I love you and I miss you.
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
"Find what you love and let it kill you." -Bukowski

Just A Glimpse

Can you believe it's been almost ten years now? I'm getting that feeling and we're driving around this town, passing by the old school yard; everything just looks so small, way back when we knew it all. And he's sitting right next to me, hand in the wind. Can you believe it, how much everything has changed? Well, they shut down the old diner and they put in some new chain. You know, it's so good to see. It feels like it's been forever, but we're still singing that old song. You know they say that growing up is hard. It's so hard to think of how we almost got so far. Do you remember the night of our first kiss? Baby, didn't it feel just a little bit like this? You never get a second chance at the first time. We will never be eighteen again. It feels so good to see you, my old friend. It's good to see you again.

With You, I Feel Again

It's been a long time coming since I've seen your face. And I've never went back trying to replace everything that I've had till my feet went numb, praying like a fool that's been on a run. Heart still beating but it's not working. It's like a million dollar phone that you just can't ring. I reach out trying to love, but I feel nothing. My heart is numb. I feel again. I'm feeling better since you know me. I was a lonely soul, but that's the old me. A little wiser now but you show me. I feel again.

Infiltrated

Nothing goes as planned. Everything will break. People say goodbye in their own special way. All that you rely on and all that you can fake will leave you in the morning, but find you in the day. Everything will change. Nothing stays the same and nobody here is perfect. Oh, but everyone's to blame. All that you rely on and all that you can save will leave you in the morning, and find you in the day. Everything is dark. It's more than you can take, but you catch a glimpse of sun light, shining down on your face. You're in my veins and I cannot get you out. You're all I taste at night inside of my mouth. You run away because I am not what you found. You're in my veins and I cannot get you out.
"If your losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose."

Battle Casualties

We share something so common, still so rare. And I'm in awe, never been here before. So high, we're still climbing, even here inside these walls, breaking each other's hearts. And we don't care because we're so in too deep, can't think about giving it up. But I never knew love would feel like a heart attack. It's killing me, swear I never cried so much because I never knew love would hurt this fucking bad, the worst pain that I ever had. All the times when I know I should be smiling, seem to be the times that I frown the most. I can't believe that we're still surviving because I'm slowly breaking down even when I hold you close. And if I lose you, I'm afraid I would lose who I gave my love to. That's the reason I stay around. Even though I fell away. And it hurts because I want to leave and you want to leave, but the love keeps us together.
"All I can do is blame me. Whoever that is." -Bob Dylan